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I am a 29 yr old ACOA, my father has been an alcoholic my whole life, with the severity increasing over the years and countless attemps at sobriety, the longest being three years (2008-2011) after a jail stint for this 3rd DUI. Since he started drinking again last fall, he is especailly depressed and likes to start fights with my mother and sister, (both codependents and enablers but thats another post) threaten sucicide and go on such severe benders he has been checked into the ER 3 times in the last 4 months. (He was laid off and is now jobless and without insurance too adding to excuses for drinkiing) I live 30 minutes away and my husband and I are expecting our first baby next week. We have good careers and a very stable life and are very excited for this baby, I am trying to practice loving detachment but he is just so manipulative and although I try not to be I am angry he is tainting his supposedly happy part of my life with his nonstop drama. (hospital trips screaming matches that have my sister calling me in tears etc.) He will have a week of sobriety where he will call and try to tell me how much he is looking forward to being a grandfather and how sorry he is and how is going to be better, but after almost 30 years of hearing this I have no expectations. I have already set the boundries that the baby will not be allowed at their home and my mother and sister will have to come to my home to see that baby. He has called me drunk crying that this grandchild is all he has to live for and begging me to let him see the baby. I know its no good to engage with a drunk person, I try not to answer these calls bc they just break my heart, bc sober he really would be a wonderful grandfather. I just want to enjoy my life my husband and I have buiilt for ourselves and focus on my baby but by trying to include my mother and sister I unfortunatly put him in closer emotional proximity to him and end up worrying about/be angry with him. Could really use some advice on the best way to cope and actions to take once the baby is born. Do not want his BS cycles of broken promises/manipulation to affect my child but struggling with how to do it. Thank you.
You sound very strong and I got to learn how the disease twists everything in their mind - just last night. And the advice I have gotten here is to just see them with "SICK" stamped on their forhead as they tell you things like your father does. You stay strong, you are doing the right thing. But not easy still. Congratulations on the pending arrival of a new bundle of joy! Focus on that - allow yourself to be immersed in that bliss and it's ok to not allow the other drama into that. Hugs.
I assume you are not attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself , I hope you will consider doing so for yourself and imediate family , I could suggest when the family calls you with the latest crisis , tell them you dont want to hear it . Detach with love and the drama will not affect you as much . You could take baby to see your dad if he is drunk you can leave . good luck with baby next week . louise
I restricted my Father's access to my children and do not regret it one bit. When I 1st got married, my father took my 3 yrs nephew supposedely to the farm, didn't come back for a long time, went looking for them & found them in a bar -- Dad drunk as a skunk on the bar stool and nephew dancing in the middle of the room as entertainment for the rest of the room. Right there & then, Hubby & decided that our children would never be left in his care.....period.
