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I know my AH is at a strip club right now. I had a moment of weakness and tried to call his cell, but no answer and I did not leave a message. I also texted him, but no response. I was going to tell him that I knew where he was and I'm sure it would have ended up in a huge fight. I guess it worked out that he didn't answer. I also went thru his office and found a search for a hotel near this strip club, so maybe that's why I freaked out.
I've been trying to DETACH and not react when he starts with me, but what do I do with this? He lies constantly (not just about drinking). It makes me sick to my stomach.
Do I confront him with my information? Ask him why he lies? I'm so tired of it all. I have put up with a lot of BS (as everyone here has too) and I just want it to stop. I know I can't make him stop his behavior, but I don't have to put up with it do I?????
I am new to al-anon and I have not been to a f2f yet. I know I need to go ASAP.
I hope you make yourself a priority and get to some f2f meetings soon. I can so relate to that and more unfortunately. A's lie and has confronting him before ever went well for you? The serenity prayer is a great way to keep your mind focused on the things you can change. I remember picturing my AH and I in houses across the street from each other and it was only my job to clean my house and yard and keep my side of the street clean and it really took a lot for me to stop looking across the road and saying, yeah but..... there came a time I even forgot to glance over from time to time to see what was going on over there and my life has only gotten better since. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Welcome to the intention to get to a face to face Al-Anon meeting...now make it real for you. You are not responsible for him and his choices and consequences. You cannot make a person love you...if you could it wouldn't be love. You can love yourself...let him go...turn him over to a power greater than yourself and go after your own sanity and happiness.
Alcoholism and all that it affects is a major disease with no cure. It can only be arrested by total abstinence. If not arrested it results in insanity and/or death.
Come to where we are and meet and support each other.
I found a local meeting tomorrow night. I'll try that....
I have even worse evidence that I confronted him w last week when he was not drunk. He denied it of course.
I don't deserve this - none of us do. I spoke to a lawyer last week. She basically told me to get my ducks in a row financially, take classes needed to find a job, etc. I haven't worked (for a paycheck at least) in @10 yrs! That's scary - not sure what I'm qualified for anymore or what I even want to do at this point.
Thanks again for listening and advising....
Hi there, PJM, just wanted to send you lots of support today! I, too, haven't work in 14 years and I currently homeschool my son who has learning issues(cognitive memory problems from a traumatic birth) so I'm not looking to go back to work full time. It's one of the reasons I stay in my marriage. I guess we all have our reasons, I hope that you get to a meeting, though. Al Anon meetings have been my saving grace. I am on vacation in FL for 3 weeks and I found a meeting this AM that's right around the corner from the condo we're renting, go figure, LOL! Meetings can be found everywhere and the support we get from others is so valuable to us in our time of need.
So he came in my room this am ( he sleeps in the basement every night) and is all nice and starts to rub my back. I said I deserve a husband that loves me, respects me and is honest. He says he is, he does, blah blah blah. I asked him where he was last night. He said out. I said where. He said a local bar name. I said I know where you were (strip club name). He said he goes there because they are nice to him there unlike me! Then fight ensues. Back and forth over who lies and who treats who worse, etc.
My mom called to say my uncle died right in the middle of all this (I'm sad but he was old and sick do it was not a surprise by any means).
He threatened divorce, said he won't leave the house. I said I'm not leaving the house. UGH. What a way to start the day.
Oh, before the fight I told him I was going to an alanon meeting tonight. I wasn't sure what reaction I'd get, but wanted to be honest. He just said "where?". He doesn't think has a problem though, I bet he thinks I'm going because of my own drinking!
Why is it important that he doesnt go to a strip club? My X alcoholic husband, never went to bars, or strip clubs but managed to make life unmanageable, so I dont see the significance of the the strip club or having to know where he is at all the time or having to come clean and admit where he was.
If he is an alcoholic he will drink, and he will lie and do all kinds of stuff we will not like. But thats just the effect of the problem.
Alanon is about US not them. We can point the finger at the A but it will not make us feel better until we begin our recovery and start to figure out solutions to our problems and it is our problem, we chose this person , so what are we going to do about it. We have choices. Alanon is here to help you with that. Keep coming back , take what it has to offer and you may come away with a little more serenity, a better understanding of the disease and some solutions.
The problems are many. He spent over $20k at strip clubs in a few months. One club had a $1500 charge at once so it's not just looking or occasional. He is bipolar so sex addiction is in play. He also frequents Asian massage parlors which are probably associated with these clubs. I can go on.....
I found out he was buying gifts and sending money to a woman back in feb. He said nothing happened, he's committed to our marriage. I told him he needed to stop lying or I couldn't move forward. Bottom line is he us a liar and I have to get out.
It is clear this is not a man who's on top of his life. The lying alone just to drive me crazy, even apart from all the other behavior. He'd say, "I only lie because you get so upset!" Well, first, any rational person would have gotten upset over some of the destructive things he did. So what he meant was, "I only lie because I have to keep my activities undercover." And second, I found him lying about completely innocent things. I'd ask where the toothpaste was and he'd lie about it. Lying was a way of life, a compulsion. I couldn't stand it.
Anyway, some of that is off topic. It is clear that you need to take steps to recovery your own serenity in this insane situation. Going to Al-Anon meetings will be a great step in that direction. Your lawyer's advice is probably also great for that. If you've been without a job for ten years, that might be cause for alimony. Your lawyer would know about those things. But it sounds as if he is not a reliable support either emotionally or financially. Taking good care of yourself helps make the future seem less daunting. Keep coming back. Hugs.
Going to alanon has helped me in letting me know I'm not alone. I'm having an awful day today.
I never looked at my husbands cumpulsive lying. He lies about everything even small stuff too. Idk why he does that. Just because he is sober doesn't mean he's healed.
Well, its sounds like he definitely has a sex addiction problem, does he drink too and you mentioned he is bi polar. A lot of addicts are double diagnosis.
My X alcoholic husband had a DUI that cost well over $40,000. and he had depression who knows if he was always depressed or the alcohol made him depressed. Disease doesnt make them bad people, however it can drive us crazy. I know I have been there.
Glad you are here and working on your own serenity and recovery. Thats all we can do , so we can prepare ourselves to make those decisions and solutions for our life.
Keep coming back, Alanon works if you work it. Luv, Bettina
