I totally understand this one! My AH is not big on taking initiative around the house. Usually, I don't get snippy, I just slam cabinets and stomp around all ticked off because no one else asks what they can do around the house or even tries to lift a finger. Well, I finally started just assigning them tasks. My AH will be sitting on the couch just after dinner and I will be doing the dishes at the sink. I will say to him, "Hey honey, do you mind cleaning off the kitchen table, putting the salad dressing away (that he pulled out and used himself), and wiping it down, thanks?" Then, I call my son in who disappeared into his computer and I say, "Hey kid, how about taking out the trash for me and then feeding the dog?" I thank them both and keep doing the dishes and leave it at that. I find that if I ask directly, things usually get done. Now, do I sit there and assign them to tasks like wiping down the cabinets, cleaning off the baseboards, or windexing the sliding glass door? NO, that might be asking for too much but if I get help with the little things then I won't feel so overwhelmed with the big things. And, does my AH do these things cheerfully when I ask? NOPE. He gives me a 'look' but does it without saying a word. My thinking is: Tough, we all live in this house and we all contribute to the mess and to the clean up and to maintaining it. Years ago I used to feel guilty when I asked AH to help out and I took his attitude personally but I'm over it. I need help and I ask without an attitude and I try to be grateful for the help that I get.

One thing to realize here is that YOU noticed that you needed to apologize and you did. Don't beat yourself up. It's all a process and we're learning new ways to relate.

Ohh amills, I am sure you just wrote a post that has been sitting in my head. I don't understand why we need to ask them to do something that is obviously needing to be done. I can see it, why can't he. I feel like asking him to do something is like saying, hey can you help me with my jobs. They are not MY jobs.... I get so frustrated. He doesn't do the jobs he is supposed to do, and he can't see the extra ones. I never get a thankyou for doing anything extra but he will wait for praise for doing what he is supposed to have done anyway!!!!!
I addressed the oblivous to surroundings gene by way of writing a list of things to be done during the week and putting it on our kitchen cupboard door. He never looks at it. He just waits to be told and then says.. but I did that last week.

It annoys me more some times as opposed to others. I am trying to see it in a way that says.. I can choose to live in a pig sty if I want and not do any of these chores. I don't want to. I want to live in a clean house, especially when I have 4 indoor animals.
If he does do some chores without being asked, as soon as I get home, he rattles off the list of things he has done on his own... He gets praise. Then I rattle off my list and he just looks at me or gives some sort of non commital noise.

I don't understand. My exhusband was a neat freak. He would be up at 7 on a Sunday to wash the cars every week. He did alot of house work and he loved it. He called it 'pottering about'. We both hated gardening. He refused to ever cook but he would clean up. So I guess its not all men.

Wow.. that was a rave on my behalf wasn't it. Obviously this resonates wiht me too amills.