well,for the last 2 weeks things have been going gr8t,loveing each other to peices as we always have for the last 20 braekups which i was always the one breakinging it off,he drank or drinks 3 24oz everynite after he gets off work sometimes he just manages to get 2 24oz down before he falls asleep after being out in the extreme heat of 104 everyday working hard labor construction.he told me would keep his drinking down,                                            last nite he was acting really drunk and slurring his words ,diff. behavior ,my son noticed it and got onto me about allowing him back into the house after all that i said that he was never allowed back in my yard or home ever agin id promised my son after my last breakup,what happened to me ,well i dunno it all happened so quick ,what do i say to my son??? except im sorry but he is back,and im tearing up while typeing this out cause i thought my feelings were gone for him but they werent all came back very strong even stronger than before he told me that he really wants it to work this time,he has recently got him a really good paying job and a vehicle nice one that he bought  yesterday under a payment plan,but i still have this issue of him drinking and his manupulations ,i thouight i had time or was over him that i could text him and it would be ok that i was strong enough to handle it,he begged me and pleaded with me,maybe im setting myself up for another huge downturn,im sure i am cause its nothing for me to throw him out the door agin and not speak to him agin,we last a mth or mth and a half and back together agin,i know now and shouldve known then that i didnt have near enough time to get over him,it had only been 2 mths maybe not nearly enough time,now what do i do with myself ??sit here on my pitypot and beat myself up everyday about it,or get busy,i know i cant live with him and yet i am because i told my hp and everyone else that i was keeping myself clean and liveing for my heavenly father and  carry his will out as to what he wanted for me and not sin as in liveing together agin,but i broke that promise not only to myself but to my heaveny father and that hurts me really bad inside and out,breaks my heart my kids are gonna end up didowning me ,my daughter dont know about us yet.i dont want to tell her,he wants to marry me now if i would ,but cant i keep telling him to lets wait on that we have plenty of time,maybe my hp still working on me by me still holding back on marrying him to make everything right in hp eyes,this whole pic. just aint right.im thinking its my distorted way of thinking and he can make me believe anything ive caught him in lies allready he dont know it but i do,after he goes to work and im alone and get to thinking about what he said i start remembering the truth.they are convinveing of getting their own way.i told him earlier when he came in from work that my son knew he was drunk last nite and he said what did he say and i said he said alot he didnt like it he said ill just quirt drinking,right,then wasnt 5 mins he was in my room sucking down a 24oz beer,i said i thought u said u was quiting he said i work hard all day i pay bills here ,which he just moved in 2 weeks ago and no he hasnt paid nothing ,i paid all the bills around here before he came and was doing well, besides what right has he got to argue and raise his voice at me in my home where nothing here got his name on it ,like he owns my home, stupid is he,ha,that one really bites me then he saaid fine ill just move to terries his drinking buddys house ,i said nothing then he said ill just drink oput in his truck he just got,i still said nothing not careing if he does he knows i dont care if he does,i did tell him that i knew and know that his beer comes before me and of course his reply is no it dont just that dont hurt for him to have a couple of beers when he comes in at nite from a days of hard working labor,ohmy what do i do ????where do i begin????? this is all new to me,i or thinking that my hp wants me to change of attitude toward an a/d because i just cant handle an a in my home espescially and a and drug both ??????im getting scared now.i know if this drage out us staying togerther its gonna have to be marriege or him out the door cause i cant be liveing in this kind of sin any more,im really frightened ,he is going tomorrow to a dr for his health,one of them is h/b meds and someother things,im going with him,i need help here,i dont want my life to be miserable.is that where im headed to is a miserable life with him,knowing that im one of the main ones here that ,liveing with an alcohilc is way tooo much for,this i know so ami liveing on a timebomb????just waiting for it to fuze,when do i stay off this train?and do i marry him?no i better not its not what my gut is telling me to do ,so what,am i headed for dooms day ??im liveing on my ssi check and i know i can do way better tan this man that ive been with for 6 yrs off and on,or 5 yrs or maybe 4  yrs time got away,he dont pay taxes at all,never has in yrs so wheres that gonna get him but nowhere when his health collapses,i do need help ,plz try to ansewer some or all of my ?...hugs silent,needing esh agin

thanx for the esh,very much needed,my son dont know about him not paying bills but he did spend 80.00 towrd getting my yorky clipped and shots and buys the groceries,and will give me his part of the bills this weekend or fri. when he gets paid,i just have to make sure i hold him to it for if i forget while we are out spending his money on eatting out and shopping i tend to forget about his part of the billsand so does he but not my problem ,he will pay me for sure or out he goes,my son is anxious only because of his drinking in my home which he keeps it under cover in my room and keeps it to a limit thus far ,time will tell more,i told my son last nite that if he should mess up he will be out of here in a sec. he said he knows that i willl do,no as far as marrying him im sticking to my intuition of wait ,and i can wait a looong time because ive been single way tooo many yrs , i hope he does better this time and dont blow it all away ,like his good job,vehicle he just bought,etc but agin thats his problem me and son and freinds are hpeing for the best for him,time will tell,but since ive posted here im happy to see yall keeping me in reality with it all cause i do forget what alcohol does to them,i want to keep my head on straight for sure,and they prolly wont get better yur so right hotrod,he is just rideing the fence ,trying or playing like he can keep it under control,i know he cant,he says all one has to have is a h/p and that he can get that at his church.that he plans on going to,i dunno what to think and how do i think by liveing with an active a,in my home ??what should i be thinking that he is gonna relapse or go over board ,i dont understand it all i know that it bothers me,i know to keep posting here is one trhing ive got to do,and meetings no meetings around here so just have to come here in morning meetings.thats one bad thing is that he is here at nites so theres no me attending meetings here cause theres always interruptions from him he has to have my attention for now its ok but after the newness wears off and the old sets in ill wanting to come to meetings even more so.cause i figure that my problems will begin.,,,thanx for the esh plz keep it comeing ill need all the esh i can get from here on out...hugs silent