Dropped a Bomb - Al-Anon Family Group

4LittleHens · Newbie

Dropped a Bomb

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

This disease is so hard on us all. I have no ESH, I just wanted to send you some love and support!

texasgal · Senior Member

((((Hugs)))) every relationship is different. Take it one day at a time. This program has been teaching me to take care of myself & to take focus off my recovering A. I have had a couple of crazy days but this afternoon I found a little bit of peace. I found some program friends to talk to. And i have peace right now I'm getting ready to go to bed. My recovering A hasn't called/texted me all night while he was at work which he always does. For today I'm done chasing him he knows where i am... at our home. Have a great next 24 hrs :)

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Lots of support for you in this difficult time. You wrote alot about HIM and not alot about you. Bombing is a tactic to divert your attention. This is all about the disease of alcoholism. My AHSober bombed me repeated especially in the last years of our over 30 years marriage. Everything and nothing is typical. Start your recovery program for yourself. Keep coming back.

Nancy

4LittleHens · Newbie

Thank you for the support. My experience of Al-Anon has been very positive. It is good to find another place for support.

I have notes posted over my compter "One Day at a Time", "Keep Calm and Carry On", and a great one about looking only at today, not yesterday, not tomorrow. These have been a great comfort.

Still wish my AH would get his head out of his you-know-what!

I hope you have a good 24 hours too!

Chaya · Senior Member

My ex alcoholic boyfriend, though sober, could not set appropriate boundaries with other women. I'm not sure if he had sex with one of them, but I am certain about the emotional affairs he had. Even now he has a new girlfriend but still tells me he loves me. He just can't pass an opputunity with a pretty girl due to his low self-esteem. He needs the attention and validation. I gave this guy unlimited sex and was a really attentive girlfriend, always trying to assure he was comfortable and his needs were met. Can you say codependent? He still needed other women though. That is his sickness. Mine is that I put up with it. He might just be repeating something he heard. My exhusband said the same thing to me when he went into therapy--that we may not be together in the end. Well, it wasn't a result of the therapy but of other shenanigans going on. I don't want to assume what your husband means by all this. I am done (almost) trying to crack the code on alcoholic thinking. Chaya

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. I am so sad you are hurting. When I had to face my AH no longer loved me I thought I would die. It is horrible.

Now your AH is very young in recovery. Most are very confused, and shakey. You do know recovery is a forever thing, they are never cured.

You are so right to take one day at a time. For your own peace of mind, you might want to go slow. What I did was hold his hand. Not make any demands, just enjoyed his company.

Maybe you could arrange dates. My first husband and I went on a date every sunday. marriage is a live thing that needs nurturing.

Maybe go to an open meeting with him. There are also these books I used with my ah called books of questions.

It sorta helps the A to think, to see how they feel. It has to be so weird to be sober, on program and not know who you are or how you feel.

I sure hope you find some serenity. Please keep coming. We sure know how you feel. love,debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and welcome,

This kind of pain really sucks and I hear a tremendous amount of fear in what you have written and shared, from you and your spouse.

I really encourage you just as Deb has done to go to some open speaker AA meetings on your own and listen to what is shared from these recovering A's. It's not easy. Once they stop drinking that's just a little tip of the iceberg to what is going on under the surface. He doesn't know what the he's feeling because he hasn't felt or ever felt for so long the only thing he knows right this second is he can't/shouldn't take a drink. I love listening to people talk at open shares. I've no doubt he's scared to death at this point and time. I would speculate has a tremendous amount of guilt, regret and shame over how he's treated your family and you over the years of his drinking. Why would you stay now that he's sober and he doesn't know who he is?

His recovery is his business and your recovery is your business. MANY spouses of A's also find out if they are not in a program of recovery all of a sudden their A's get sober and life doesn't get any better, in fact as the sober spouse we usually spin worse. So please get some support around you and go to those Alanon meetings because YOU need support during this time. Get a sponsor and work your steps because this is all new to you as well.

What Deb has suggested in her post above I just so agree with .. connect in little ways, keep that connection alive. Spend time and appreciate the time together. You will be relearning what it is to be with a sober husband. He's not going to be the same.

Hugs P :)

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I really don't have much ESH to add here as I'm in a different situation but I wanted to say that my AH also sits next to me and plays solitaire on his phone. I think it's an escape tactic. I also noticed that my AH won't make eye contact with me. I remember sitting at dinner at a restaurant and he told me a story while looking at the TV's above the bar area, I tried and tried to keep my eyes on his face and he never made eye contact. Little did I know that he was still drinking and he has his own secrets to hide from me. Pushka hit the nail on the head when she talked about their guilt, regret, and shame. Their disease is very much based on shame and it becomes too much for them to handle.

If he's really cheating on you, you'll find out sooner or later. Don't fret tomorrow. If you still love your man, there may be hope for you to keep your marriage alive. They always say that many people in their first year of recovery really need to take the time for themselves. The very nature of most addictions is that the individual is a selfish person. A friend of mine is married to a man who is 25 years recovered and she still complains that her husband is 'all about me and my recovery'. You may need to be really patient, stay in prayer to your Higher Power, and find your own recovery FOR YOU!

As for if you'll still be together in a year, that's something you really can't worry about right now. Focus on the here and now, what can you do today for YOU and what little thing can you do for your husband that tells him he is loved? Unfortunately, my AH chose to quit drinking on his own(as a result of his DUI) and did not use a recovery tool and he went back to drinking so I'm really struggling in my marriage as the trust bond keeps getting broken and I haven't come to terms yet with 'what is'. I'm still working on my own recovery so sex for us has been nonexistant as I'm the one who doesn't want it. I just can't seem to muster up the feelings to want to have sex with someone who is still drinking, hiding it, lying to me, and driving on his suspended license. I'm struggling terribly with all of that and if you keep reading here you will people who are in varying phases of their own recovery whether they are still with the A's of their lives or not. Keep coming back, you'll get so much support here!

Path to Serenity · Senior Member

Pushka wrote:

Once they stop drinking that's just a little tip of the iceberg to what is going on under the surface. He doesn't know what the he's feeling because he hasn't felt or ever felt for so long the only thing he knows right this second is he can't/shouldn't take a drink. I love listening to people talk at open shares. I've no doubt he's scared to death at this point and time. I would speculate has a tremendous amount of guilt, regret and shame over how he's treated your family and you over the years of his drinking. Why would you stay now that he's sober and he doesn't know who he is?

I agree with this - he has no idea of what the future holds for him - he only knows what he's hearing from other recovering As and it's probably scaring him. Not all recovered As end up in divorce court, many go on to live a long happy life with their existing spouse - my Uncle being one of them.

Once my Uncle got past the 1st couple years of sobriety, he & my Aunt worked together to build a business - a multi-million $ business at that! I've always envied their long, loving relationship.

4LittleHens · Newbie

I never expected recovery to be an easy road. But I also didn't think about recovery too much from his emotional side. You are right on when you say he must be scared, doesn't know how he feels, sobriety must be weird for him. It must be odd to deal with stress differently than before. I never thought about it. I really was thinking about my hurt and what I was sacrificing. I was being selfish and a martyr. I read some more of "Al-Anon Works" last night. It is a great book. Your insights are so right on. I really do need to just relax and not take everything at face value. He was probably voicing his fears. Maybe he really does think I may not like him sober. Heck, I'm afraid he won't like me when he's sober.

You all rock. Thank you for the support. I will certainly come back. This is the best "meeting" I've been to so far!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs LIttleHen,

Do not discount your feelings you are allowed to have all of what you are feeling. That's why the meetings are so good and here on the boards you can vocalize what you are feeling and not discount yourself. You are very valuable and important and it's kind of hurtful to hear oh by the way I have decided to end our relationship because ... that's what I would have taken from that kind of conversation.

Mine was REALLY chicken (pardon the pun .. lol) he actually text me that he didn't have any feelings for me .. well he's active a whole other ball of wax.

My point is for me to say oh wow he's sick, or he's recovering and there fore I'm going to rationalize away how I have verbalized what I'm feeling and my feelings in this don't matter umm .. noooo .. I matter and that was pretty lame to say the least. That was a whole lot of chicken on his part and he's got his own issues as well as consequences to deal with.

That's why his recovery is HIS business and YOUR recovery is YOUR business. It's not an easy business to get recovery on either side of the coin in this situation. Just stick to your own program and growth everything else will be what it's going to be.

Hugs P :)

Path to Serenity · Senior Member

Maybe he really does think I may not like him sober. Heck, I'm afraid he won't like me when he's sober.

--------------

Now that's what I call ''getting in touch with your feelings'' - scary, isn't it? It's strange when one realizes that the symptoms of their disease(A) and our disease (co-dependency) overlap. Not recognizing our fears and/or acknowleging them is what throws us back into our sick-stuff.

Try not to be hurt by his comment - it was shared openly and soberly and that is progress. IMHO

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Ah new sobriety I remember it well ugh ! I lovingly refer to it as they are stark raving sober , change thier mind every 5 min , cant make a decission are afraid to show affection and the list goes on . If i had not gone to my program on a reg basis i dont think our marriage would have survived the first yr . If you both work a program I feel you have a chance , as far as intamcy alot of A are impotent in early recovery but that can and will change . Other women , dont go looking for trouble , take care of your own needs , remember he is now facing life completely sober no crutch and he is scared sh%^*)less . find meetings that work for you talk about your concerns you will find others in the room who have been where your at . Don't miss the good days worrying about what could happen . oh we have 21 yrs of sobriety in our home to day . don't give up . Louise

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