The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Why do we have to love such unavailable people? Who will go to any lengths to keep us in a role and keep us at a distance. We try to make it work, oh how we try, but they have other plans for us. I feel like a hostage to love, kept in the dark and fed the worst parts of my partner. I know the love is there and it is deep, but they are too sick to embrace it. It's a sick game and it hurts. Waiting, knowing that if I continue to wait I could be waiting for the rest of my life, possibly wasting the years I have left, unfulfilled. It just isn't fair. I found the love of my life nearly 19 years ago and turned out they were broken.
Hugs tigger, so sorry you are experiencing pain and frustration. something I'm learning is that I'm just as broken in a different way. I have to be able to give the things I want and I'm just as emotionally unavailable as my stbx. I'm learning how to change that it takes time. I didn't get here alone or overnight. Hugs p ;) keep coming back it gets better!! ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It is true what you say Pushka. I am broken too. I think I would be terrified at the idea of a relationship with a functional available person. Growing up in an A home means available on both sides is totally unfamiliar. I'm at least now learning to acknowledge my needs and see about getting them met rather than wandering round without those needs and being a victim. Thank you for your love and support on the boards me dear. Hugs, Tigger x
I have known my AHSober for 40 years. He asked for a divorce. We rarely talk. We have three grown sons. How can this be? I still love him very much. I don't like him any more. It is because of the disease of alcoholism. It is painful. But I am learning to create a life for myself.
Hi Tigger! I have a book recommendation for you. I have asked myself this same kind of question over and over - why would I seek out/tolerate a relationship with an unavailable man? In my case, it's been men who are unavailable due to addiction and substance abuse primarily. I am happy to say that I have made a ton of progress understanding what's going on in my heart and my life, and the explanations won't be the same for everyone. I hope that everything I'm learning and changing will help me to find the healthy relationship that I really want for the future.
One of the books I think is interesting and helpful on this topic is "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" by Natalie Lue. Pushka brings up a super important point about questioning how available WE are and the book addresses that too. One thing though - I don't think it's fair that they single out men as being Mr. Unavailable. I think men and women can both display either side of these relationship dynamics so if it were up to me, I'd write it more gender neutral, but in any case, it's been really interesting and helpful for me.
Check this out for a sample - "Emotionally unavailable men thrive because they have complicit, commitment resistant, emotionally unavailable women to accommodate their behavior. Mr. Unavailables are chosen by Fallback Girls because they reflect their beliefs about love, relationships, and themselves. Women who genuinely want commitment, who are personally happy, and have a healthy sense of self esteem don't desire or chase Mr Unavailables. If they find themselves involved with them, they also don't blame themselves for their actions and recognize the toxicity. We chase Mr Unavailables because their behavior works for us. They pander to and nurture patterns within us that, despite being dysfunctional, make us feel comfortable in their familiarity. Mr. Unavailable can only be with a woman as long as she's carrying some negativity with her. A personally secure woman with boundaries would make him nervous plus he couldn't drive things on his terms."
Just a couple things to think about... Self esteem and healthy boundaries play a huge role in being available for healthy relationships and I think Alanon and this board have been super helpful for me to learn new healthy patterns I didn't learn growing up...
I was ready to chuck the towel in after many many years of trying to get my husbnad sober, funny thing was when I finally felt I had had enough he stopped drinking, and my goodness, what a wake up call, suddenly roles were reversed some how, it made me have to look at myself, and what value did I have as a person in my own right, I wasn't me I was an extension of him, I lived my life totally and completely through and for him, sobriety changed that, I have become strong because of him I truly hope he can become strong because and inspite of me emotionally, it's almost like we are doing things in reverse, so much messed up behaviours on both parts, takes a lot of unlearning and relearning, I love my husband but I am not inlove with him I possibly have still yet really to know what that feels like, all I know is that yucky horrible feeling of dispair has desolved it served as a crutch for my personal self pity for along time, now it no longer works for me, look within yourself it's there inside of you.
Wonderful shares here! I am going to look into the book that Doozy posted about because I think there's a lot of truth to her quotation from the book. We found men who reflected our own insecurities and shortcomings just as they found women who would do the same for them. That's where the tools of Al Anon come in and we realize that we do have value, we are beautiful, and we do deserve better and all of a sudden we become uncomfortable in our relationships with the A's because it's just not working anymore. This is where the hard part begins and we start to question our relationships and what are we willing to put up with and for how long. I'm finally learning what my part is in all of this and it's a tough road for me to humble myself and take responsibility and to make some positive changes. These changes aren't accepted with open arms, either, they are met with sullen behavior, emotional withdrawl, and passive aggressive behavior because my A is not ready for these changes. He wants things to stay as they are. And, this is where the rubber meets the road.
Tigger, you mentioned that the love of your life was broken. Yet, aren't we all broken really? I knew I was broken, I just didn't know how badly and how the negative patterns established in my 17 year marriage have become so engrained and NORMAL. UGH, and what really is normal? To each of us it means something different. I will be thinking of you this weekend, sending you lots of support!
You beautiful wonderful souls! I feel so held by what you all have said here. And deeply challenged also. It's not all comfortable to hear, but there is much truth in your shares and I am humbled by them really Gosh. How does my relationship fit with what is convenient for me so I don't have to be too authentic and vulnerable. So I don't have to risk or trust or lose control. I dont have to genuinely surrender my heart because I know how the script goes. I can also hide my own terror of life here behind my partner's greater terror, and tell myself I'm available and brave and ready to live "if only" they were more alive. The other important thing that is revealed to me is that I have my own pain and victim scripts that I play out and look for the repetition of these...I have my own mind sets and beliefs about love that I on some level want to preserve and "prove" they are real. I think it comes from my childhood griefs about unavailable parents and not wanting to challenge what I learned then because I've learned it's unsafe to make choices that show up the truths of back then. Theses a whole lot to think about and the book doozy mentioned...that quote was ouchly right on the money. Self honesty. You guys are really amazing Lots of love, Tigger x
