Why stay with an alcoholic? - Al-Anon Family Group

erleichda · Member

Why stay with an alcoholic?

katfshh · Senior Member

I ask myself the same thing. Even when I am sure I am leaving, I don't go. I am only engaged, not married to him.

Calyx · Member

Hi and I'm glad you have found this forum, I for one know exactly how you feel. I've been in your situation (we are nearer 3 years married but I started to feel like you after the first year).

I went to Al Anon and did lots of reading and found this lovely place and decided to let go and let God. Soon after this my AH's drinking got more frequent and there were a couple of 4 day weekend benders in a row. I asked him to leave, (strangely this part was not difficult at all and I didn't have to agonise about it or anything; who would have thought?!) - he said 'where am I supposed to go?' and I, praying for serenity the whole time and remembering all my reading, said 'that's not my problem'.

He actually went, took him a few weeks to find a room to rent but it happened and we are now living apart. Amicably and he thinks we're getting back together at some point but I've found it so hard to make that 'final' (divorce) decision. I initially thought I wanted to stay with him once he'd 'seen the light' but I'm gradually thinking that I prefer it this way, living by myself. Still to make that decision though (it's so hard to leave. I love him. Just hate the behaviour after a drink.)

After all that waffle I just wanted to say, If you don't know what to do yet, don't do anything. Let go and let your Higher Power make decisions for you :) and best of luck. Remember to take care of yourself - have you been to an Al-Anon meeting, they really helped me.

Good luck whatever happens,

Calyx x

erleichda · Member

Thank you for replying. I am trying to take care of myself. There are no Alanon meetings in my area today so I am just here, trying to find comfort and some peace.

Calyx · Member

(hugs) you have found the right place. I like just sitting and reading through each thread when I feel down or low about anything. I always find I feel better after I've read a few threads. Good way to take care of yourself! Hope you keep posting xx

(blushes as I'm such a total lurker here and never post, thanks to everyone whose words have inspired me and given me peace when I need it) xx

Path to Serenity · Senior Member

I'm not married to an A so can't offer any insite to your question - the A in my life is my son and I can't un-birth him...sometimes I wish tho :-}

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I have known my exAH for 17 years we were together on and off the first 15 years. I was addicted to him, very codependent, comfortable even though mostly miserable, he was sober for a year or two a couple times and I just loved him whole heartedly in my own sick way. At times he was my HP, dad, and my friend. At this point I realize after living on my own for 2 years my Mom was emotionally abusive and my Dad was emotionally unavailable and I somehow combined both those traits into the man of my dreams, go figure, it was what I was used to. As I have done more counseling, step work, Al-anon meetings and talking with my sponsor I realize I was just carrying forward dysfunctional cycles of old. The only way to break them and get healthy was to do some good old fashioned work on myself inside and out. I needed to focus on myself, read and learn all I could on growing up as an ACOA and break my codependent nature slowly over time. My addiction was him and I was a people pleaser and fixer that was always frustrated, because it is impossible to change anyone else. Since I have looked inside myself and work daily on changing the things I can within myself slowly I have made progress and like the differences I see. When and if it is time to move on from any relationships you will know. I thought I would stick it out until death like our vows said, but there came a time when I knew I had to break away for my own well being as well as our girls. Sending you love and support!

texasgal · Senior Member

Sometimes I want to leave my A but I love him & he is clean. But I don't.think he is sober from his mind he does crazy things & he does things that still baffle me I know I'm just as sick as he is with controlling, codependency, trust issues, etc. We do not have any kids. In fact that is what we have been trying to do. In the last month We have been going to fertility doctor to get pregnant. And I know this is my sick mind but i want to get pregnant and leave him. We r going to use donor sperm anyway. It's just such an awful thought. I want to be able to be a mommy. When we were separated I was more calm & at peace. I'm 37 & the doc said we need to get pg quickly. Idk its an awful & complicated situation. I need to rely on HP more than my husband. Thanks for listening.

Tigger · Senior Member

breaking free you just told my story...thank you for everything you said there. Truly :o) x

ythannah · Senior Member

A counsellor once suggested to me that I stayed in relationships with As because I was trying to "win" over alcoholism as an adult, in a way that I couldn't win over alcoholism when I was a child with 2 A parents. I've heard that theory many times again from wise people in Al-Anon.

Anyway, I do know that I have stayed in A relationships in an attempt to meet an unhealthy need in ME. Why else would someone stay when they are not married or engaged or even living together, have no kids and -- most importantly -- the relationship meets no other normal, healthy needs?

That's not to say that all partners of As stay for sick reasons. Some manage to see beyond the alcoholism and love the person, and stay because of that love.

For me, I wasn't able to break free of the relationship until I had gained a great deal of emotional health in Al-Anon. Realistically, I knew that was what I needed before I walked in the door... and it was the hope of being able to attain that which kept me coming back.

Chaya · Senior Member

I didn't love myself enough to leave any sooner than I did. I was sick and scared and sad.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

To keep it simple, change is hard, the unknown is always a bit scarey.

You just made vows you meant, to leave is your having to face your dreams are not coming true.

Familiar is always easier in some ways. Some are really not wanting to be alone.

It's freaking hard to be alone again, for most.

Everyone has their reasons, don't want to lose their home, their pets, their financial security.

For me he became an abusive monster, nothing of the man I loved all my life was left.

hugs,debilyn

Path to Serenity · Senior Member

ythannah wrote:
A counsellor once suggested to me that I stayed in relationships with As because I was trying to "win" over alcoholism as an adult, in a way that I couldn't win over alcoholism when I was a child with 2 A parents. I've heard that theory many times again from wise people in Al-Anon.

This makes a lot of sense to me -- deep down inside, I think that if I can 'fix' just one A, that it will somehow make up for not being able to fix my Dad. I'm a fixer by nature (co-dependent..duh) but the truth is that I have the power to fix only myself.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.