im so messed up - Al-Anon Family Group

texasgal · Senior Member

im so messed up

texasgal · Senior Member

I deleted my FB account & ay the moment we don't have internet I wad using my phone the internet is like a bottle of tequila for me. I do not have any balance I feel like i ruined something that was going good & that my HP was handling without me interfering. By I messed it up big time. I have an hour in a half to leave. Now i know how he felt when i threw him out & changed to locks. I'm so sad & lost right now.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry things are so volital right now.

You are the only one who can make the decision. I will try to pose questions and say things for you to think about ok?First I can only give you my experience.

We are not a piece of furniture that others can just throw away becuz they are tired of us taking up space. We are human beings, we are spouses. NO one has the right to tell us to leave our own home.

Myself I would be doing dishes, baking or reading or whatever like he had not said a thing.

Remember we do not have to argue. If they come home and say why are you still here? I would say I live here. Leave it at that. If one says anything else, we repeat, I live here. I don't engage in the bolony. I won't argue. I state the fact over and over until he is sick of trying to get me involved.

If he got abusive, I would have my cell ready for 911. You have a right to stay in your own home. I don't care who's house it is, NO ONE can make you leave even if his mother is letting you live there, with out a legal written eviction. And then they have to go to court to get it.

Do you want to stay? Would you be happier to walk away? Sounds like you care very much if you are looking at his fb.

Also Al Anon teaches us not to get into his inventory. His fb having someone on it like this, is not our problem. We cannot change it. We can only decide if we want to stay with the person and accept them and their inventory as is.

Are you afraid of him? do you have a plan to call 911 and have money, extra cloths and what you need if you need to get out quick to be safe? If you do that call 911 immediatly, go to a neighbor, but be safe! Do you have keys to a vehicle hidden outside?

I am only putting this out there to help you think.

To me this is too rediculous to take seriously. Whether he means it or not. If my ex AH said this, I would ignore the sick sick sick guy.

Please update us. email me if you like. rivercabin@centurylink.net. Pm me if you want. We also have a chat room here too. I have not been there in a long time.

Does not matter what he says. What do you want?

sending you strength and love and faith, I KNOW you can handle this without freaking out. I would decide to be the calm one.

So you made a mistake, big deal. We learn to not be hard on ourselves, we are dealing with a very powerful disease, I don't know about you but I am not intimidated by a stupid disease.

again, I check my email a lot even during movies i watch on netflix. I am escaping to watch Medium, started at the first season and watching the kdis grow. lol anti stressor! love love, your friend,debilyn

sweeetr · Senior Member

that is great advice... best wishes and peaceful prayers sent your way !

WornOutMrsFixIt · Senior Member

Just my opinion but he shouldn't be having any contact with this woman since it makes you uncomfortable. Have dealt with some jealousy issues during a separation due to an AH. It can make you crazy. I understand and will be on here for a little while.

texasgal · Senior Member

I have one hour left before he gets out of work I don't know what to do so many questions in my mind. What if I stay & he decides to not come home? What if he seeks out comfort in this other woman? I don't want to leave. I want to talk to him about everything & work it out. But i don't know how he feels about anything it has been a few hours since we talked or texted. Idk what to do I'm scared, nervous, & freaking out.

Chaya · Senior Member

I'll be thinking of you and sending good thoughts. I feel like I could cry right now knowing that you are in that terrible, uncontrollable crazy place we can get to. You will get through this. Chaya

Amandakay · Veteran Member

I have struggled with jealously before... but my story won't help you with your current situation... just know that you're not alone. I've made some big mistake being driven by my jealousy too.

I think Debilyn has some good advice.

Also, you've realized that you were wrong, so maybe if the subject comes up (if he wants to talk about it, if he doesn't, then be patient) you can explain that you were wrong and that you are sorry and ask him to forgive you... but don't beg or try to over compensate. You were wrong, you are sorry and that is that.

Good luck! ((((BIG HUGS!!!))))

katfshh · Senior Member

I did something like that today. I have been really out of control. My AF is here and I am mad at myself for letting him back in, but it is his home too. His name is on the lease. I also feel better knowing he is safe here. But, that woman he was talking to that I heard her voicemail the other day, then blocked her from his phone. Well, like a crazy person I saved her number. I also went back into his phone and heard a couple of other messages. I have been punishing him all day. I know it's the wrong thing to do. I know I shouldn't give it power, but am so hurt. I sent her another message, scolding her for being a bar fly. OMG! I am insane. Every time I go upstairs and get on the computer, he comes here and asks me to come back down. Then he passes out on the sofa. The last time I went down, I turned on a show that I like. He was passed out. He yells at me and said why can't we watch something we both like. But, he is passed out!! Ugh. Then we get into an argument about what is on the TV. So, I leave and come back here. He comes and finds me and says he wants me next to him. I go down and cook dinner, he passes out. I wake him up to eat and he gets mad at me. Now he is pissed because he needs cigarettes and he doesn't have any money. Then he passes out AGAIN! This is total insanity. And I can see that, but I keep letting it get to me. Why?

My advice to you. Don't leave your home. He isn't that powerful. He can't really make you leave. Only leave if you feel like you are unsafe. He tells you to leave, say no and go to another room. This disease is making us all nuts. It doesn't have to be this crazy. Right?

texasgal · Senior Member

I'm so nuts right now he text me that we need to pray & think about what we should do. HP guide me.

katfshh · Senior Member

So pray. It's all that you can do right now anyway. At least he is on board with that idea. Your post is really helping me right now. Thank you.

texasgal · Senior Member

Thank you all for your posts it has helped me in my time of need.

texasgal · Senior Member

I texted him at 11 which was 10 min ago but their was no response. Maybe he's not coming home. Anything can happen at this point. I'm here & I guess I'm going to stay unless he comes upset & wants me to leave I have a little money I just got paid in case I have to go to a hotel & I called an program friend she said if i needed to I could go over for the night.

texasgal · Senior Member

He still is not home so I'm going to go lie down & rest.

katfshh · Senior Member

I think they do this kind of stuff on purpose. It gives them the upper hand, now he has you worrying about him. My AF is very good at that. It's like he is always a step ahead of me. Get some rest. xxoo

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

i gave all my power away to the ex A all the time. He got something out of me checking up on him all the time. He got something out of me being obsessed with him.

The ex A didn't go out with any other women. Instead he held his friends and family over me 24/7.

I think its good you deleted FB. Can you stay deleted?

I think its also good that you are reaching out for help. Detaching is a big trip when you first start. The good news is there is a life without every second hanging on what he is doing.

Be brave, jump into al anon, Get a sponsor. Start working the steps. Start a To Do list that isn't anything about him. Take all the focus entirely off him and put it on you. Say nothing to him about who is calling, who is posting or whatever. Stay out of it. Focus right on yourself all the time and work on feeling better about you irregardless of what he does.

You can do it.

Maresie

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.