The material presented
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level.
If he wants to change rehab facilities, it's probably because he's discovered that he can't manipulate the people at the current one. His recovery is in his hands.
I can't think of anything I'd rather do than watch my garden grow {{{hugs}}}
-- Edited by Path to Serenity on Friday 29th of June 2012 08:37:24 PM
I don't know... *sigh*.... My AH is in rehab and I have been detaching from him. It's good for both of us. I need to get better too, ya know. And I'm starting to feel better about myself and more confident in myself... But because I am not dong everything he wants me to do and dropping my life to "support" him in his program he wants to divorce me and has completely ignored me. I just wanna hear his voice tell me he loves me and appreciates me... I just want to feel his arms wrapped around me... but he hates me... at least right now he does because, according to him, it is all my fault he is where he is and that our marriage is falling apart... So now he wants to transfer to a different facility several hours away just to get away from me. I know it's not my fault and I have to be strong for my kids. And I will be okay. And I will lean on my HP for His strength. I'm just a little sad right now... :'(
His mom says he's acting like a childish brat... I agree!
__________________
Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
I agree with his mom too. His reasoning is not up to par at the moment. It's not a reflection of you....it's disease talking more than it's even him in all likelihood.
Tell him to go ahead. I bet he'll turn around and change his tune. Seems to me when they threaten us and we panic, they get their control back. When we agree with them, they get scared. My AF is here, and I am screwing up all of my plans that I had when he was gone all last week. He is pulling the same crap, telling me that if I don't start being nicer he is going to leave me for good. Little does he know that I truly have the same plan myself, but I am certainly not going to discuss it while he is drunk. It still hurts though, you would think he would be on his knees asking me for forgiveness. Ha...nope. His "I'm sorry" is more like "I'm just saying this to shut you up." It's sick, they are sick. I am sick too, otherwise I would hold my head up high and kick him to the curb. It's just a mess. Hang in there. Your's is in rehab. Look at that as a positive, and don't let him get to you.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Until the A is really truly willing to follow the program and examine themselves as to why they're feeling bad, they'll continue to blame other people, circumstances and events for their own misery.
I know I can have that problem, too, as an Al-Anon. I'm forever reminded that when I'm pointing my finger at someone or something else, if I look down I'll see three fingers pointing right back at me. Good time for me to pause, then, and see what my part is and if I really am the victim I'm assuming to be. Which brings me to another favorite saying... "there are no victims, only volunteers."
Keep coming back, Mandy. Let him spin and do whatever he needs to do. His HP has him, your HP has you.
I can so relate to your post when my A is in early recovery or rehab etc and not drinking I find this sometimes harder to cope with than the actual drinking. I thought that once he stopped and was getting help he would change all of a sudden. In reality this is just the beginning, They become very angrey and lots of emotions they have been stuffing away with their drink come up. It most prob is the disease talking.
I had to work my programme harder than ever. extra meetings to help me detach and try to not take it personally what ever he needs to do he needs to do what are you going to do to take care of you. I reached out to al anon I learnt that I did need to change to but also that none of itwas my fault today I have a strong relationship with Hp my A is no longer my HP hugs tracy xx
I concur with what everyone else has shared this is his issue and not about you. It still hurts though and as you are more able to distance yourself between what are his issues to deal with and what are yours you will find you want to grab onto the peace, clarity and serenity of living life on life's terms for you.
Watching my STBX do what he's doing to the children thinking he's doing it to me is hard. I want to shake him and say what are you doing? Why would you do this? Why would you hurt the kids just to hurt me? He doesn't see it that way. In his mind he shouldn't have to pay me anything because I don't deserve it. Never mind what the last 7 years has brought down on us as a family. I'm sure not perfect .. I get that more and more as I work the steps. What he doesn't understand is as I get healthy, as I get stronger, .. he's going to have to wallow in his own crap more and more. He thinks he's so smart too .. wow .. it's really laughable at this point.
Spin spin spin .. let him do what he needs to do and know how powerless both of you are over alcoholism. You are each exactly where you need to be right now in your healing.
Keep coming back, it really gets better and instead of becoming about reacting to what your AH is or is not doing it becomes about being able to make clear choices in your mind, body and soul and being way ok with the consequences of those actions. It's a process and it's every evolving.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Is he allowed to transfer to a different facility? Do you have any communication with the counselors or administration at the facility? Didn't know if it would work, but if they knew what was happening, maybe they could work it into one of his therapy sessions?
Thanks everyone for your encouraging words of wisdom. I do believe it's the alcoholism speaking... I haven't let him know that I'm upset, I've been able to stand strong and hold my composure so he probaby doesn't think I care... which is okay, it's better than him thinking that I want him home... then he would be even more aggressive with his manipulation....
@ callmemara... he's at rehab willingly so he can leave whenever he wants. I've talked with the couselors to let them know of different conversations when I felt they would be helpful for them to help him deal with him. He does talk about it in counseling sessions, or at least he told me he did once, but of course they don't say what he wants to hear so that's part of the reason he wants to go somewhere else. He'd just be running from his problems but I guess he hasn't realized he's the problem. I'm trying to distance myself from his rehab because I think I'm running the risk of trying to control what happens. I'm trying to wipe my hands of it so that his recovery is on his own terms. I can't control it anyway. He asked me if I think he should go to the other program or stay where he is and it was VERY hard for me to tell him that I was not going to share my oppinion with him. I told him he needs to decide his recovery on his own... Although, inside I was screaming that leaving this facility for another one would just be a huge mistake!
So for now, I'm just gonna let him spin, spin, spin and I'm gonna work on me and my program and getting myself healthy for myself and my kids... I'm putting my oxygen mask on first so I can help them too... I'm also gonna keep planting gardens in my yard so I can watch the plants grow, reminding me that growth doesn't happen overnight...
__________________
Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
