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Hello everyone. I have been reading this MIP page daily since my last post. I have been in AlAnon for two years. Last post I needed to hear from others with an Alcoholic Daughter/Son to see how they were coping as our AD was a few days away from living in her car with our grandson. Took the advise and turned this over to God. After many prayers to my HP, my non-alanon husband and I invited them back.
It has been one month and she has no job. She left about an hour ago in ripped jeans, barely combed her hair and she is reeking of alcohol, looking for a job. She is getting cigarette money and gas money from her only friend she has left, Drunky Mikey. He has not doubt gone thru some serious cash since she has been back. The is a bottle of vodka in her room. She wont work at Mc Donalds (who is hiring) she want to waitress in a restaurant (but not a Crackel Barrel or Perkins as they dont serve booze. Tips would be lousy, she says.) She has no patience to fill in any applications on line and has no references or job experence in the last 4 years.. She was living with a guy for that time and he paid all her expenses until he threw her out last month. She also took some things that were his to sell on Ebay and pretty much trashed his house before she left. She has been arrested 3 times and still has a DUI on record. Her car still has North Carolina tags on it which are expiring soon and will be illegal her in Penna. We have not given her a dime.
And our 8 year old grandson, for whom we really did this for what a change in him! The first week he borrowed some art supplies from another child and money from another. He will look right at you and tell a lie about stupid things and says hateful, nasty things and curses at me and his grandfather when we correct him. But it gets better - his father recently came on to the scene and took her to court on Tuesday for breaking the custody agreement. Long story short, Daddy has cleaned up his act, has a family, is sober, and could have been mistaken for one of the attorneys in the courthouse. And he was prepared. She looked & smelled like hell, had no documentation to back up her claims of no child support. And lied, lied, lied. I was mortified to be there for her support. The Judge warned her twice that he would hold her in contempt if she would not shut up. The judge awarded custody immediately to the Father and our grandson was taken down to Georgia until the last week of August. She was distraught, which I understand, but went out on a bender and did not come home till the following day.
My husband and I are retired, and he said to me this morning after she left, Thanks so much for all of this. We had the perfect life until you just had to bring her back.That was pretty low as we both agreed and prayed about this offer to her.
I had to amend this as I am not really asking for advise. My husband and I both prayed about this and discussed this for weeks. We really were reaching our for our grandson to be with us because we both felt she was slipping fast. Literally, we brought her home to die , as she keeps saying that's all she wants to do. If she goes by her own hand, or in a car accident, or if her pancreatitus gets worse, we wanted our grandson to be with us. After Tuesday, maybe he would be better off with a father he does not know. Yes, we both pray for her daily and have offered rehab, which was laughingly refused, as she has no problem.We will see what happens. We threw her out once, we can do it again.
Just got home from my meeting. Thanks for letting me rant.
-- Edited by LeenieBeanie on Friday 29th of June 2012 08:16:04 PM
I definitely can't tell you what to do. She's willing to destroy her life, is she also going to destroy yours? That is a question only you can answer. I think that it's very awesome that your grandson's father cleaned up his act and the child is away from her. There is hope, but usually not when we are doing for them, what they can do for themselves.
At this point it sounds like you are only enabling her. I suggest giving her a deadline to get out of your house and even offer to help her move into rehab. If she doesn't, that's her choice. My mother in law went through this with my husband. Well, he left of his own free will but she didn't hear from him for months on end at some points. She never stopped praying for him. It's really the only thing you CAN do.
Sounds like your grandson might be better off with his dad, as painful as that is to you. Are you on speaking terms with the dad?
I have no words of wisdom for you because I'm in the same boat with my A son. I did tell him he had to stop drinking in MY house or get out - he did stop for a few days, then pulled another all-nighter!! I know I need to stand behind what I said about getting sober or getting out but I'm between a rock & a hard spot at the moment. Hubby is recovering from heart surgery and I'm doing my best to keep peace in the household. If I have to have the son forceably removed, I'm afraid of what the chaos will do to hubby. Unfortunately, we have put out some money for the son to buy tools for his job and along with medical bills, we're struggling with our finances. He has the tools but does very little to look for work and repay us or even contribute to the household. When he does get a few days work, he pays his phone bill and goes on a binge.....so yeah, our efforts to help him turned into nothing more than enabling.
I need another month for hubby to get better then I'm dropping the ax - son has no money, no vehicle and as far as I know, no friends to take him in so if I kick his butt out, he's on the street but that will be his choice.
We were asstranged from son for several years and I prayed daily that God would heal the rift between us = well, my prayers were answered but son came back to us an alcoholic - so many times, I wonder why God is punishing us but I have to remind myself that it is not punishment but a path that God wants us/me to walk for some reason. I truly believe that son came home to us knowing that we are the only people in the world that have his best interest at heart and will do what is needed to help him thru this period in his life -- so with God's continued help & guidance, I will remain strong and back up my words -- get sober or get out.
A little heads up: keep your purse/bank cards in a safe place - this disease pushes the A into doing things that they wouldn't normally do..I learned this the hard way. I had a 5gal jug full of coins - probably $4-500 and it's empty except for the pennies. And one time I found liq store charges on my bank card -- my eyes are now open and this won't happen again.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
-- Edited by Path to Serenity on Saturday 30th of June 2012 01:39:41 PM
Thanks to all for your kind words of support. We knew what we were in for as we took her and our grandson back before. Now that she has calmed down, we will be discussing the basic rules for continuing stay with us - job, caring for her son and her dogs, respect for our home and things. As I said, we have not and will not give her one dime. We are not making AA or Rehab an option until she says she is ready. MY " God Box " is stuffed at the moment, and we will never stop praying or holding out hope. However, we have a lock on our bedroom door with my purse/checkbook,credit cards, etc and I have no jewelry worth more than $25 as she stole from us many years ago.
