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I just realized something about myself. I have a huge problem with inaction! Specifically regarding exercise. I am very rigid on my exercise - if I don't do it in the morning then I will just not do it all day. I will also come up with excuses as to why I don't have enough time in the morning to exercise (like right now - I need more coffee time to wake up). If I would take better care of myself by going to bed earlier I may have more energy in the morning to exercise before work. I recognize that I am atleast aware of this issue but I need to take the next step and take action. I have a huge problem with taking action on things. I tend to want to just sit and keep wishing it were better (martyr role) - and yet I could be doing something about it! I wait until the last possible minute to get something done and then I complain that it was so stressful to get it done LOL. Am I the only one who does this?
I definitely relate to being hard on myself and clubbing myself over the head, lol
I can say this, being rigid and hard on myself certainly doesn't help me to love myself more. My one-word description of recovery is surrender, and when I am more surrendered, I give up my ideas about things and how I think they should be. "Should" is a judgement and when I am should-ing, I'm pretty much in a struggle for power and control.
I'm like you, I like to keep fit. But sometimes, whether it's due to cycles or whatever, some days what I REALLY need is more rest, and my body lets me know that. Recovery is teaching me to stop fighting, to be more flexible and to LISTEN to what's going on inside me, and not argue with it, haha. Softening and surrendering, being much more gentle....
Living with alcoholism made me neurotic.... go, go, go... do, do, do... this isn't "right".... bleck!! Today, stress and strain are an indicator to me that I am out of balance and I need to get quiet again. So often, my busy-ness is me running.... running from myself. I do that because working on myself is hard work.
Don't know if that's what you meant, lol..... so please, take what you like.... ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I can totally relate. I suffer from what is called "paralysis of analysis". I will sit at home and make deal with myself about getting something done or not done, and then it never gets done in the first place because I analyzed it or rationalized it to death. Lately, with everything going on with AH I have been having trouble doing any type of exercise and then I hurt my back 2 weeks ago. It's finally feeling better and I realized that I make adjustments for myself if I can't exercise. I skip dessert at night, I choose more veggies throughout the day, and I try to make healthier food choices. If I won't exercise physically, at least I can try to control what I put in my mouth and exercise some restraint when it comes to food choices. This helps me keep things in perspective. I can control certain things in spite of what's going on with my marriage and I choose to at least eat healthy for most of the day. Now, I did have a cupcake last night from the fancy place at the mall, but I've learned to not sweat the small stuff. I had a yogurt with granola for breakfast and a cup of potato mushroom soup for lunch today, no snacking between either.
So, yes, I can relate to your procrastination and the martyr role too. I try not to get caught up in that, though. I used to be a yoga instructor and I have learned that every little bit of exercise or stretching you do can help in the long run. Some days all I do is sit and stretch on the couch, like yesterday. Other days I will go for a 1 hour hike, clean the garage out, vacuum the house, and go play tennis at night. Every day is different and I've learned to listen to what my body likes and feels for the day, when it comes to exertion. It's ok to rest, but getting stuck procrastinating is where I have to literally talk myself out of it and go DO SOMETHING. Like right now, I'm putting off cleaning the toilets and wiping down the bathroom floors. I know I'll get it done but I'm sitting here wasting time. OK: I'm going.....really......I am going.....LOL!
I can remember when first working the 3rd Step with my sponsor. I finally uncovered my will It was buried deep under, excuses, justification and blame. My will did not want to do anything In fact I truly wanted to sit back tell everyone what to do and be a princess.
That was the exact nature of many of my wrongs!! In letting go of this will in the 3rd Step I asked HP to lift this negative wall and direct my day It has worked since.
Many times I am tempted to revert but I have my program tools and make my lists and calls and stay open to guidance'
You are not alone . Remember awareness is the first step to growth.
I justify and rationalize why I should or should not do things....However, once I make up my mind - I do things gang busters. This is still something I see as a product of my alcoholic thinking. I either do things not at all or to excess. I still need to work on it.
Currently working out like 6 x a week. Yes, I lost 70 pounds and am more fit than ever, but all this exercise is taking up time I could spend doing other stuff (like going to meetings - Hello priorities?!)
