Always Feel Like I'm Imposing - Al-Anon Family Group

Elizabeth10 · Member

Always Feel Like I'm Imposing

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

when a member offers the gift of sponsorship , he or she is well aware of the responsibilities , we answer the phone we meet for coffee and we listen , just like our sponsors did for us . you are not imposing .

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Imagine how you would feel if you phone rang and someone from alanon said "Elizabeth, I really need some support right now." You would probably feel honored. You would not be like "OMG Why is she calling me!!? What an imposition." It's the same with you calling others. I am honored when people seek out help from me and feel blessed if I have it to offer. Also, the real gem of helping others is that it gets us out of ourself. We get caught up in the drama and chaos of out or situations and helping someone else is a wonderful break from self-imposed neurosis.

So....Make the calls! You will be doing yourself and them a favor :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

My friend used to count the times I apologized for things I didn't need to and eventually helped me stop saying sorry for just being me. I now catch myself once in awhile if someone else bumps into me I will say sorry and then think here I go again and not do it the next time. I have learned now to own my space and my power without being aggressive or mean. I never wanted to come off like my Mom and I went too far the other way with no self esteem. After working my program and steps and having great friends, I finally feel good about myself and know I don't need to feel like I am imposing on anyone. If someone is too busy when I try to call or visit with them, they tell me and we reschedule no problem. It's all about progress not perfection. I have learned to let go and let God with so much stuff I used to rehash in my mind at the end of the day, but now my mind is much quieter and the stinkin thinkin has slowed to a rare hush. It has taken me a year and a half and I feel great about myself. Sending you love and support!

texasgal · Senior Member

I was the same way for a long time & I never seemed to get better. I never called anyone. When I hit my own personal bottom I was texting/calling everyone & anyone that would listen. I cried a lot & no one ever judged me or told me to stop calling. The opposite happened they would tell me to call them & if i didn't they called me. They helped me through one of the toughest times in my life. And for that i am grateful. Eventually I stopped crying & some of those ladies are my dearest friends now...we laugh more now :)

willowtree · Veteran Member

Elizabeth10 - I can SO relate to your post! I have always felt my whole life that I was imposing on people. It wasn't until this last few months that I am finally feeling like I am not a bother to people. I have stopped most of my apologizing to others for calling them, ect...It has been the most amazing feeling to finally feel like I actually have a right to be on this planet and make a mark in it. I would encourage you to keep catching yourself when you notice you feel as if you are imposing on someone - like your sponsor said "It is just part of the sickness" But the great thing is that you can change it! Today I was feeling very isolated and very down and negative so I forced myself to call a lady in Alanon and she was so happy to hear from me and we ended up going to lunch - it was so much fun and I was so glad I called her as she was me. This program has helped me see that I do belong and I can be okay anywhere with anyone....but I really had to work through some things. I don't even have a sponsor yet LOL. But I have also found GREAT success with EFT tapping - Brad Yates on you tube has some amazing affirmation video's and tapping that has changed my life...between God, Alanon and tapping...things are awesome! All my best!

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Elizabeth, yes I struggle to phone people, I have no problem texting but I for instance if it's the hairdresser I worry I might be stopping her working, I have to council myself on this madness, I used to by default think everything was my fault or I caused it somehow, thats no longer happening, I am alot more confident in myself these days and seem more able to understand what is my part and what is someone elses.

I can even apolagise sometimes when I am wrong:~) not always yet, but I know when I do, I feel so much better and often the person softens too.

I used to be so afraid of hurting peoples feelings, because my self confidence was shot at, I never considered that always feeling this way myself was the problem, Alanon has taught me I matter too, my feelings are validated here, I do see what I see and know what I know now, Alanon supports and validates me in my own right, when you see the problem you can deal with it, choices!

regards

Katy

x

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Somehow I have trouble with the notion that most everything is "part of our sickness." The reason you hesitate to call or text is that your manners dictate this is not the proper thing to do offhandedly. Go ahead and call or text. She would not have agreed to be a sponsor if she did not want to hear from you when you need her.

Diva

Elizabeth10 · Member

I appreciate everyone's replies.

I also have trouble with apologizing when it isn't necessary for me to do so. I've been working on it, though.

I agree, Diva. I don't believe everything is part of our sickness. But a great deal of my experiences have made me something I wouldn't have been had I not grown up with alcoholism. I have a lot of "ism's" that come from growing up with an alcoholic. I do believe that not wanting to impose on others who offer their help to me is because I always felt like what I did would either cause or stop my alcoholic from picking up a drink. As a result, I feel that what I do will cause someone's behavior to be different than what they would choose. Sorry if that doesn't make too much sense, I wasn't too sure how to phrase it.

I watched a few Brad Yates videos. Very interesting. I think I may give them a try.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I also grew up in a dysfunctional home. I was either invisible or the scapegoat. I was definitely imposing with any of my requests to my parents because they absolutely couldn't cope with anything. They had a hard time getting through the day. Anything out of the ordinary sent them into a tailspin. Some of those tailspins were never resolved. I also had to hide the family insanity from the outside world. Somehow my mother had some idea that people didn't perceive her as crazy. In fact they did but she isolated herself so much she could buy into her denial.

For me the issue of what worked for me in childhood is that I have had to acknowledge my defences as a child, denial, people pleasing and more got me to here. However as an adult I have to learn new things. One is self care. Every day I work out what needs to be done and work on it.

I have stopped beating myself around the head for anything. I am grateful to have survived.

Maresie.

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