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I am new to this forum. I am also new to trying to be in the life of some one going through AA. I have been seeing some one for the last month that is attending AA for substance abuse and I really care for him. This is some one that I knew in high school that just came back into my life and where I want to be there for him..I am afraid that I dont know how to be because of my lack of knowledge in his situation.. He has been very honest about things with me from the beginning and we have agreed that being in a relationship is not good for either one of us right now because of his recovery and my emotional readiness.. but there are still very strong feelings there for this person.. and I know that he cares for me as well. I just dont know how to be there for him and not want to be with him at the same time. He is in his 5th month of sobriety and on the 4th step of AA. I just need to know how to help him..and me at the same time.
I have been where you are. My AF is a boyfriend from way back when we were teens. He was in and out of recovery since age 20. When we reconnected he was 5 months sober. 5 months later he drank, then 8 months, then a year...Somewhere in there we got engaged. He told me that this was what he was always missing in his life and never had. It's been a rollercoaster ever since. We have postponed our wedding, but now it looks like we are finished for good. All because he doesn't stay sober. As much as I loved that he thought that I was his saving grace, it just wasn't true. It's hard to face, and even harder now to admit to myself and my friends and family that I ignored the red flags. But, I did. And each time, the hurt has gotten deeper and harder. I don't think you can help him. I tried to help, and it never really truly helps. In fact, I am starting to see that my helping has enabled him to drink again and again. I look back and see that I helped him and ran to his rescue three times now and took him back, because he was ready to do the right thing. But, the right thing never lasts. =( Maybe for you it could be different? My AF has great AA friends that have long term sobriety. I am really envious of them, I don't understand why my AF can't do that too.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I would say the best thing you can do for him - is to focus on you. Go to Al Anon meetings to learn. Read things here, I've learned so much on here about the reality of alcoholism and addiction. Get books that will be recommended to you - you can also see them through several posts. The ones I recommend are "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend and "CoDependent No More" by Beattie.
If you are finding it hard to fight the physical attraction you may have to set some guidelines/boundaries. Like only public meeting for the first several months. Do eithe of you have a therapist you could see together early on? Things I would just watch for - regular meeting attendence, putting his meetings and sponsor and step work above his new "friendship".
But really focus on you for now. It's not easy, I have to recheck myself regularly because my nature is to worry about him and what he is doing. But I'm taking it as a learning experience. There are some things that he does that aren't my favorite - but they are not detrimental to us or his sobriety and so I have to learn to let him be him. I find working on the little details helps me when the bigger things come up so I can separate the two.
I don't think there is a way to be "there" for someone who is in early recovery. Certainly I always thought I could make it softer. The reality is I couldn't.
I do know that reading Getting them Sober really helped me to get a perspective on expectations. I really expected the now ex A to get better overnight. He never did. My expectations were not in line with dealing with someone who is an addict. Just as there are expectations of someone in recovery. There are a recovering addict, not recovered.
I have also been through the issue of seeing a relationship isn't good for me but being ultra committed at the same time. In fact I was always more committed to all relationships and that was a real issue. I had to learn to take things slow. Although I knew some people the truth is a relationship is different. I don't know how they behave in a relationship and the way to find out wasn't to throw caution to the wind it was to take it really really slow.
In my early recovery I had to pull back from everyone and finally learn to depend on myself. I had friends that supported me, but I couldn't have focused on any relationship that wasn't already established. I had to completly ignore the opposite sex, because I had a constant need to distract myself, but I have gotten through a lot of that now after working the steps with my sponsor and over a year and a half of 2 meetings a week. It is hard to work this program and really face yourself through the steps, but I believe it is so life changing and worth it. The best book I read for me being attracted to A's (alcoholics) was "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Focusing on you is way way way more important than what he is or isn't doing. Alanon, reading good books like the ones suggested. His recovery is so not about you.
What BF saying about not being in a relationship in early recovery I completely concur with .. it's a situation where I don't know who I am let alone going into a relationship with someone who really isn't sure about who they are. As I heal then I can make different decisions about what I want and who I want to be with .. I'm not there yet for many reasons.
The reality is this .. someone dealing with addiction is never going to wake up and say .. wow .. I'm cured. This is something they will deal with for the rest of their life. Everyday they will get up have to look in the mirror and say I'm a recovering addict and I am choosing to use this next 24 hours and be sober. There are days just like with us it's 5 min at a time. Everything can look good on the surface and underneath .. not so much.
If you knew that nothing was going to change in 1, 2, 3, 10, 15 years would you make the same decisions about the relationship that you are now? Not saying to break up or stay together just saying it's a very stark reality. Some people can go through their sobriety and never take another drink/fix whatever and others get up and fall down. It doesn't make anyone less or more in terms of recovery it just is a reality that some people have to deal with. Every day they have to deal with their program of recovery. There are some really super people out there who are recovering a's it just adds a whole other layer to dealing in a relationship.
Keep coming back and I truly encourage you to find an alanon meeting and see what it's all about.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I didn't start becoming a more stable emotional person until about 18 months of sobriety. Despite this, I willfully went against all suggestions that were given to me in AA, by my sponsor and others to avoid a relationship until I had at least a year sober. I leaped into a relationship at 3 months sober and I did it cuz I was so codependent and so afraid to be alone. It did not make me drink but it did slow my progress. I used that boyfriend as a total crutch and a destraction from myself. All the work I had to do on myself was painful. I also came into AA of a harsh break up with the partner I had been with for 7 years before that (another alcoholic and the person I consider my Alanon qualifier). Hence, I guess I thought it was just too much to get sober and be single at the same time. I figured I would get sober and then face my CoDA issues later (which is pretty much what I did).
Basically, I changed so much in the course of 18 months that I was no longer compatible with that guy. I feel bad cuz I used him even though I'm 99 percent sure he cheated on me and he had is own issues anyhow. I guess my point is that, if this person is worth it, they will still be worth it in another 8 months. That time I spent with my early sobriety boyfriend distracted me and slowed me down (even though I still went to meetings 7 days a week)...I needed to learn to be independent. I didn't learn that til I broke up with him shortly after I had 1 year sober. I spent the next year single and that was well worth it.
*You can hang out - even go on platonic like dates - I suppose a small amount of romance would be okay. I would suggest to give him space and not get intimately involved and not progress to boyfriend/girlfriend til he has more time in sobriety.
That's my experience (finally something I actually REALLY have ESH on LOL).
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 28th of June 2012 02:51:08 PM
For me the best way to support the alcoholic in my life is to have my own program , you will learn about the disease of alcoholism. stopping drinking is not the end of alcoholism , the alcoholic is told every thing must change , the way we think , the way we act , in our program the focus is on us not the alcoholic . Please find meetings for yourself you will find the relationship much easier to deal with .
I think mine is one that will never stop. He has been at death's door, and after a period of sobriety, drinks again. It's impossible for me to wrap my brain around it.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Thank you all so much for your words of advice. I did go to a meeting last week and I do believe that it will help alot. I do not understand alot of times this situation that we are in. We have set boundaries of not being in an official boyfirend/ girlfriend relationship right now because he has not made it to a year of sobriety yet. It is still very difficult however because I think I am being selfish. I know his situation and I know that with the way we feel about eachother if he is worth it or if I am worth it to him at that point that it will be what ever it is going to be. But we spend a lot of time together and that makes it really hard to keep those boundaries clear sometimes. And when I overstep that boundary he lets me know and will push me away and remind me of that boundary. I wish I was better about giving him the space he needs because he has been very upfront and honest the entire time about how he feels and what he needs. And i just want to be a positive part of his recovery so that he doesnt feel like he has to worry about reminding me of those boundaries. Sometimes I think he may be stronger than me sometimes when it comes to this. I know that this is going to be a life time striggle for him and I guess I am learning that I am codependant and afraid to be alone and this is where all the advice you have given me will come in handy and so will the meetings. Thank you everyone!
