The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For ten years I have tried. I have given ALAnon my best shot. I have listened, attempted to learn; I am still angry, hurt, and upset with his nasty drunken binges. I have no peace of mind. I have no understanding of his addiction. I keep trying, and keep hanging on. I don't know why it hasn't worked for me. And I simply do not have the will to go on alone; otherwise I would have kicked him out long ago. I am a master of pretending. And I am tired.
Best to all my friends here on MIP. Thanks for putting up with me all these years. It seems I only show up when I am feeling defeated. Excuse me for that. I am with all of you all the time, if only in my thoughts.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You are not a failure. You have managed to live with a disease for 10 years. That is an achievement . I dont think we will ever fully understand the disease. Perfection is not what we are after.
I appreciate your honesty. Keep seeking and I wish you serenity and enlightenment.
I have days when I feel like a failure and the future seems so bleak, then I think of the people I have in my life that love me and that seems to pick me up. There are people here that love you..hang onto that love.
GRRR. I don't like that the alcoholic probably is not saying they are a failure but the the significant other is. Not many folks could put up with it for 10 years. You have tried. Not every moment is going to appear rosy either. You have much ESH to offer all of us.
"Angry and upset" is the natural and healthy reaction to drunken binges. It's when we buy into the idea that drunken binges are healthy normality that we've lost perspective.
But it does sound as if you're still on the rollercoaster of pain and that's bad. Some people simply cannot detach enough to live serenely with an alcoholic (I couldn't), AND some alcoholics behave such that no one on earth could detach enough to live happily with them. Ten years is certainly enough time to try out the tools. But you say that you don't have the will to live apart. I guess my question then is: What are your choices?
I hope you have a good sponsor and a meeting. It sounds as if there's a logjam here and some intensive work is needed to make life better. You deserve more!
aha Diva *hugs* when your tired of hanging on let go . Let God do it for you . A failure ? I dont think so we only fail when we quit trying . Take care of yourself Diva . thinking of you today . Louise
Diva: I think its pretty normal to be upset with the disease. I did come to an understanding of the disease of alcoholism but I don't live with it day in day out anymore. I do understand some the compulsion although I can't say I know how it feels.
I am sorry you are feeling low. I can imagine you are devastated. In some ways I will be always devasted by the disease of alcoholism.
I know you are an incredibly talented, resourceful woman and you will pull through this time.
I have read many of your posts and I do not think of you as a failure at all. We are all human and this disease knocks us all to our knees on occasion. I am glad you came here to let us give you love and support back! Sending you much love!!!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously never tried to understand another person's irrational addiction insanity or running through a solid mountain of rock :)
Thanks all of you for your kind words of support. SOmeone said to me, "perhaps you are trying to prove step #1 wrong". I believe he hit the proverbial nail on the head. The other steps are comparatively easy for me to accept. Notice I said "accept" and not "complete." But I have always controlled every facet of my life, and have done a pretty good job of it; but this one is bigger than me, and I often feel lost, confused, angry, and bitter.
I keep working on it, and sometimes I actually believe I understand...then he goes on another nasty, mean binge, and I fall harder every time. That's not the way it is supposed to work.
Thanks again everyone, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Well, your post made me smile, Diva. I very often feel the same way. I often " take what I need and leave the rest" as I think I've seen it stated on here but I gain a lot of strength and understanding and support even if I don't agree or practice everything ... yet.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
I do not visit often as well. However, you have given me some wonderful strength throughout the years. Your are by no means a failure. The problem lies here....some just never get it....I know my husband didn't. So here I sit a widow..Why? he could not control his addiction. On the upside, i am in school and happy with myself. Life on life's terms. It is honestly that simple my friend.
I'm sorry to read that he's stills at it. I understand your feelings quite well; your post brought back memories.
While I don't know the answer to your particular situation, I do know through experience that beating yourself up and labeling yourself a failure is not the answer. I also know that your realize that, too. You needed to vent.
Be kind and gentle with Diva. By treating yourself well, it's more likely for the solutions to show themselves to you.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I have never thought of you as a failure at the program. I have always thought of you as a triumph of the progam.
* Because you stay does not make you a failure. * Because you love him does not make you a failure. * Because you are overwhelmed by the power of his addiction does not make you a failure.
Because you keep coming back, keep working on your program, keep detaching with love.....that makes you a success.
In my DH's case, HP took him home after giving him many chances to stay on this earth with me. The addiction had him bad, it was the hardest thing for me to let go and let God. They didn't mean for me to let him die did they? But I didn't. I loved him for all of his life.
