I'm so hurt, sick, and betrayed. - Al-Anon Family Group

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so hurt, sick, and betrayed.

katfshh · Senior Member

I was doing so well. But, I noticed on our phone bill for the last week he calls a number over and over. I checked his voicemail and there was a message from some woman. She was calling him sweetie and telling him she has her kids the next few days but would love to see him. I am just heartbroken. I know he's not in his right mind, but this just hurts so much. I have planned on ending things with him, but I guess I had hope of some sort that he would sober up and be sorry. I thought maybe he could get sober and we could start over down the road. But, to be gone for a week and already be talking to another woman on a daily basis. I haven't even taken my engagement ring off. I am still committed to him in my heart. Plus, until we have the break up conversation, I just don't think it's right. We live together, our home has both our names on the lease. All of his stuff is here, his clothes, everything. I am sick to my stomach and so sad, so hurt. What was all the bs about me being the love of his life? We reconciled after being apart for 27 years, he moved from North Carolina to here two years ago for me. Why do I feel so sad and betrayed? I can't stop crying.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh you have every right to feel sad and betrayed. He is sick and from what I see, most A's can't take care of themselves so they have to go find someone else right away. It won't be for awhile but you will come to feel sorry for her. Take care of yourself, worry about your health and happiness right now. Surround yourself with people who can support you and love you through this, be it friends, family, coworkers, whoever you have - Al Anon friends, find people who you can trust right now. Big hugs, it's ok to hurt right now :(

katfshh · Senior Member

Thank you. I am so sad. My two youngest kids are away, and that's probably good. But, I feel so alone and sad. I've been through crap like this before and been ok eventaully. But, it stings so much. Just the weekend before last my AF and I had a wonderful weekend alone together, we went fishing and had a romantic, wonderful weekend, he was sober. How can it go from that to this so quickly?

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience - it may not have been ok that weekend either. Can't say for sure but generally the times I found out my ex had cheated, it had been going on months before I found out. He just hid it well. I hope that is not the case for you but either way it hurts no matter how the events unfolded and it's not Ok. Hugs.

katfshh · Senior Member

I got a little crazy a little while ago, and looked back on all the phone records for the last few months. That number showed up for the first time last Wed. Tuesday was when he left and he was at a local bar. After that it shows up a few times everyday. Also, the voicemail from her sounded like she didn't know him very well. I would think that would be the case anyway, because if she knew him much longer she would have known he was sober and a different guy. Plus, she would know he was pretty much homeless right now. So, from what I can tell they met the night he started this recent bender. Either way it's, not cool and really messed up. Oh, and when he is sober, his phone is always within my reach and I can look at it anytime. In fact, he will ask me to answer it for him if he is further from it than I am. He works from home and had been home every day and night up until last Tuesday night. I have to confess though, I text her and sent her pictures of us and told her that he is an alcoholic that just fell off the wagon and that she should run and run fast. She text back and said they are just friends, and that she doesn't want to be in the middle. I am falling back into my controlling ways and I know it's the wrong thing to do. It's really triple hard for me when there is another woman looming. Then I went on our phone website and blocked her number from his phone for texting and calling. Ugh. I guess I need a meeting. I am in freak out mode here, and this isn't helping me any.

katfshh · Senior Member

Thank you. I think that boundaries are my big problem. I have allowed this behaviour in my life before, and when they ask for forgiveness, I forgive. But, when it repeats itself, I start feeling anger and resentment. I say I forgive, but the hurt runs too deeply, and then I throw it in their face over and over. But, it's out of fear, because I don't want to let on that I will let them come back the next time. But, I do, I have. So, here is where I have to really do the tough work and have a real boundry. Not one that comes and goes, not a boundry that is there one minute and gone as soon as the other person "does the right thing". I guess I find that really diffifult. Because, when he comes back I do feel like the right thing to do is to forgive. But, this is where forgiveness and boundaries get messy. Do, I forgive and move on with or without him? And can I really forgive? Or am I really living without real boundaries? I I have a 23 year old son that I kicked out a few months ago. Turns out he is living in his girlfriends car. I am sad and hurt, and I want to tell him to come home. But, if I do then there goes the boundry I set. He needs to have a job or go to school full time, and he isn't doing either. My mother lets him stay there sometimes, but I told her to stop. I am so sad that my son won't grow up. And my mommy instinct wants to let him come back. But, do I want him to continue this way and become a 30 year old here without a job? No. Man this is so much work on so many levels.

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, your story brings back some painful memories for me. When my AH and I were still together, not long before the time that I decided to move out, I found some texts on his phone from a girl who worked for him. They were very flirtatious, as well as inappropriate to be sent to my AH, her boss. I confronted my AH about it and he told me that she was "psycho" and not to take it seriously. Soon, I found myself becoming obsessed with checking his texts after he passed out at night. It was a very bad time for me- I felt so shameful and hurt. Each time I checked his texts and saw another text from this girl, it felt like I was cutting into my own skin. Thank God for my HP, Al-Anon meetings and sponsor! This was the time when I came to the realization that I was getting sick right along with him. And I agree with what other have said before me: alcoholics lie and cover up. It's part of their disease. They are very sick.

I hope that you will turn your worries and feelings of betrayal over to your HP to help you find clarity and serenity. Sending you lots of support right now!

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

All I can say is Alanon will help you with boundaries as you live and learn the philosophy. It doesnt happen overnite.

I know one thing for sure in dealing with the Alcoholic all those years, I knew I couldnt do it alone, the disease is to overwhelming. I use to blame myself because I thought I was the one lacking.

Why is it you have the right instincts when it comes to your son, that takes a lot of courage. Keep it up. I have a very good friend whose son was an A and drug addict. He was told to leave the home. My friend never faltered. Today he graduated Berkley and is a sober citizen.

As far as the other A in your life, the boyfriend, sometimes you have to really get sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

Hope you go to your Face to face meeting, it will make you feel better.

Luv, Bettina

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

kat, just remember sometimes we need a lot of pain to make big changes. For you it's a relationship. For your son living in a car. When people 'save us' from ourselves, we repeat.

It's hard to see a child go through being homeless but you are doing the right thing by putting the responsibility on his shoulders. At some point he will get tired of it and have to decide how to move forward. Hugs, a lot of stress for you at once.

Chaya · Senior Member

Kat, I can feel the craziness rising up in my chest reading your post. Have I been there before! I remember feeling sad, angry, jealous, violated, and on and on. I didn't want him, but I didn't want to be without him. Geez did I feel nuts. If I think about it I feel crazy all over again. It's awful. What I've been learning through my own experience is that if you decide to start taking care of yourself and part from him it's going to hurt like bloody hell for a while but it will get better.

katfshh · Senior Member

Thank you everyone! You are a wonderful support system. I am so glad I found you.

I have to tell you I went to one Alanon meeting where I was just in tears. It was all woman there, there were about 12 of them. They were very comforting and understanding. They were all older, like 60 and above. Most of them were widows and they all had been with AH for their whole lives. Several of them even said they were glad their husbands were dead. I thought OMG! Is this what I will look like in the future if I stay with my AF? They were happy and content, seemed to have great friends in Alanon, but it was a really weird meeting in the respect that they were all old, and glad their husbands were now dead. I went to a bigger meeting that was much more rounded after that, but some of the same woman were there too.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I would be lying if I didnt wish my X husband dead many times. Death is quick and overwith . Living with an A can be unending torture.

This all comes with the honesty of the program. There is nothing about the disease of alcoholism thats balanced. LOL

Luv, Bettina

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It had the all the makings of a beautiful romance but it turned out he is needy, clingy, and very sick. That's not your fault though. People that need to jump from relationship to relationship like that don't do it to betray you. They do it to find another enabler and because they are living in total fear of being single. It's okay to cry. This is not an easy transition. Grieving what you thought was going to happen and didn't is normal.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember that you can "forgive," in the sense of realizing he is sick and being able to move on with your life, without taking him back. Cultivating a sense of forgiveness may be the right thing to do. But going back with someone who's a proven cheater has predictable consequences.

And I know you know this, but deleting her information and making it harder for him to get in touch with her is just like throwing the bottle away. If he's open to doing it, he will do it regardless of whether a certain person is on his phone or not. Remember the SSS on their foreheads for SICK SICK SICK.

I know that terrible sinking feeling when you find out that they're not who we thought they were. But once alcoholism is in the picture, it's often open season on other kinds of deceit. They weren't in their right minds to begin with, and it's not as if alcohol makes them any saner or more honest.

Take care of yourself! Hugs.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to stop looking at the phone records. I used to look at the now ex A's phone all the time to see who he had been talking on the phone. While he wasn't "unfaithful" to me he certainly spent all this time with his drug buddies.

I know how forceful it is to want to find out. I had to let that go for my own sanity. I had to really get to grips with the A was not available for me. I put all the energy I put into snooping after him to my own recovery. I stopped being more interested in his life than in my own.

The ex A would promise the moon all the time, marriage, a home, a lovely life, he could be so persuasive. The reality was he destroyed everything, our home, our finances everything with his alcoholism. So much for promises!

Maresie.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

How crazy is it to give up your wonderful life with a caring fiancee for booze and recklessness? Other crazy behaviors, while still very hurtful, are probably not surprising in many ways.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I had a hard transition at first and dated a guy that ended up stalking me right after I left my AH, but now I am serene and happy to be alone. I stay plenty busy and am trying to find time just for me. Sending you love and support!

amills4294 · Senior Member

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. What he is doing, I believe, is no reflection on you or your relationship - it is a reflection of his illness. Of course, that makes it hurt no less. It is so hard to learn that we cannot change someone - they are who they are - now we just focus on ourselves.

Sending you much strength, hope and peace.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I am also sorry you're going through this. I know how painful it is. My exAH cheated on me numerous times. It's a pain I'd not wish on my worst enemy.

You are right, though- checking up on him is sick behavior in itself. I know because I did it constantly with my exAH. If I'd check his phone or emails and find nothing, then I'd just tell myself "well, he just hasn't done anything yet." and then if I'd check his phone or emails and find what I was sure I'd find, it would feel like a knife stabbing through my heart and my insides would just turn to liquid. Either way, I felt like absolute crap, whether I found something or not.

The fact of the matter, for me, was that I was living with blinders on where my AH was concerned. Cheating, promiscuous behavior was just who he was. I wouldn't accept it, though. I was so afraid to be alone, to get divorced, that I was willing to put up with the behavior, despite how crazy it made me, because I was too afraid of life without him.

I also tearfully admitted at a meeting once that I wished the A was dead. I felt absolutely horrible and was just certain people would have avoided me after the meeting. Instead, everyone came up to me and just poured their love out to me and told me I'm not a bad person, I'm just struggling with my powerlessness over the alcoholism. Every single person told me they'd at one point wished for their own A's death. Death signifies a release from all the problems, after all.

It was only after being in Al-Anon for a couple of years, working the program - attending meetings regularly (usually two to three a week), connecting with my sponsor and getting myself involved in service work - it was at that point where I finally got real and accepted without any anger or judgement that my AH's truth was that he would always cheat because that was just who he was. And I FINALLY developed enough faith in my HP to understand that my HP was going to take care of me no matter what, and that "no matter what" included, for me, getting divorced and striking out on my own.

I'm coming up on two years now after my separation and then divorce from my AH, and I can say that my HP has certainly taken excellent care of me.

(hugs) Keep getting to your meetings, and keep working the program, Kat. You're going to be okay.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.