The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I attended my first F2F Al Anon meeting. It started at 7:00- AH was supposed to be off work at 4:00, so my plan was to leave the kids with him at home and go. Well, needless to say he didn't come home after work. I found myself getting super angry and the voice in my head telling me that meant I couldn't go to the meeting, and it was all because of him, blah blah blah. And then I thought about what people on this board would tell me to do. So I packed up the kids in the car and took them right along with me. Nobody at the meeting cared that they were there. Then once I was there I was super nervous to say anything...figured I would just listen this time. But then I got to thinking about how scared I was to go in the first place, and that eventually I would have to get over the fear of speaking up, so I just went ahead and did that too. Afterward I got hugs and welcomes from some of the members, and my eight year old told me he was so proud of me for speaking. I think it helped him to be there and hear other people talking about how alcoholism had affected their lives, so he now knows it's not just our family.
So now I have some questions. First, how do you get a sponsor? They passed around an attendance sheet where we wrote down contact info and if we need a sponsor. I checked 'yes' to that one- do I wait for someone to contact me? Next- today my AH told me he was going to get his prescription (to reduce alcohol cravings) filled and that he was then going to go by this place called the Genesis Center to inquire about meetings for himself. He keeps telling me he doesn't want to lose his family and he wants to get better. I'm not sure what to do with him or where to set boundaries if he really does mean it about attending meetings. I feel safer when I detach, but I don't want to withdraw completely if he is serious about it this time- we were supposed to go to a cabin in the mountains over the 4th of July holiday and then up to visit my family for a week or so later in July. Should I let him come with us? I am confused about boundaries.
YAY! Congrats. Good for you for not giving up on going to a meeting!
At one of my first meetings I asked about the steps and I was givin the book "How Al-anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics". It is helping me to get aquanted with the the program. It was free at the meeting I attended. They said I could read it and turn it back in or keep it but that I needed to read it.
Also, I saw where someone here wrote that boundaries are for my not my AH and that the consequences are for me not for punishment for my AH. My first repsonse to that was "@$%#%^, then what's the point!", then I realized that is exactly how it should be. If my boundaries and consequences are set to make my AH stop drinking instead of for my serenity then I am still trying to control my AH.
I am very new at this so I don't have much advise except you need to do what you feel comfortable with. What's good for you. Good luck and be encouraged! (((HUGS!)))
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Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
Atta girl , pack up the kids and go anyway .. If you signed up for a sponsor someone will step forward and offer to help guide you thru the program , if that dosent work attend a few different meetings you will find someone you can relate to eventually . As for your holiday , regardless of wether he drinks or not there is nothing you can do about him , go with an open mind enjoy your family and remember your not responsible for his behavior so no need to explain to family if he blows it .. boundaries are diff for every one what is acceptable to you may not be for me and visa versa . If you have a ODAT our first daily reader go to page on July 14th that explains what our part is in any relationship , detach with love and your life will get easier . that page in odat and our pamphlet on detachment changed my life . Louise
Aloha holivex and thats working "the courage to change the things I can" from the Serenity Prayer...Good for you and you did what you needed to do...focused on your needs and then followed thru on them. You got the positive consequences so there!! What should you do next? continue walking in that direction. We are not perfect or saints and none of us did it in the perfect manner because there isn't such a thing. You started now continue. The sign in sheet...great! Wanting a Sponsor...great! Excited about the new journey...great! Allowing and respecting your alcoholic to be responsible for his choices and the consequences of them...great! Showing your son that you have courage...great! Wow the list goes on doesn't it.
For me I had to allow myself to be the willing student also so that I could learn and leave the life I was living then and build one that was different and productive and positive and within the will of my Higher Power.
You won't get this recovery thing over night so I suggest open mindedness and patience...lots of both and you will succeed beyond your wildest dreams which will also help your alcoholic have all the time and support in getting his stuff done also.
Welcome to the family...I wanted to tell you earlier and then the world doesn't revolved around me and there are lots of other family members here to give you (((((hugs))))))
Wow that is awesome. What an inspriation!! I think you'll get some good ESH here. I have a meeting near me but the timing with work hasn't allowed me to go yet. So I come here and am trying to coordinate kids/location/work/schedule/daycare. Not easy task. But I'm very inspired, just worry about taking my 8 year old because he can be really active/loud.
Congrats on going to your first meeting!! Your recovery can now truly begin/take off/flourish - in earnest!!
The "sponsor" question is well-answered in David's "FAQ" in one of the stickies, at the top of the board.....
Regarding the boundaries - there are a couple of key things to consider, with the most important being: are there consequences for failure to your boundary being met? If the answer is "no", then it's usually best to not bother setting one in the first place....
With your AH's "soft" responses that he might go to treatment - one potential thought would be to sit with him, and for the two of you to agree on a timeline - whereby it could become a boundary for you (that he is well aware of).... i.e. You need to be in an active program of recovery, attending regular meetings, by August 1, or xxxx....
Just my two cents
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I'm so glad you took care of yourself. I learned when being around the ex A that when we travelled he was sometimes at his worst. I needed a plan be to take myself out of it if he acted up. Most of the time I didn't have one.
I did learn to stop over reacting but it didn't happen overnight. If you have a chance get a copy of the book Getting them Sober. There is real knowledge base in there on what to do when to do it and how.
Woot woot!! So glad you took that first step it's a BIG one!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
