New here, and some basic facts about me:  I come from a family of substance users.  My parents, aunts, and uncles all use (or used) drugs and/or alcohol, and with the exception of two family members have kept their use predominantly recreational.  My parents could, I suppose, be described as "functioning alcoholics": perhaps they drink to excess, but bills are always paid, nobody misses work, no legal issues, etc.  My sister, most cousins, and I have all experimented with drugs and alcohol, but no one has really developed any addictions or problems.  In fact, I rarely drink, but only because it upsets my stomach (I also try to avoid foods high in fat content for similar reasons), not due to any fear of developing a problem, and don't use drugs because they make me feel crappy, despite frequent and heavy experimentation as a teenager.  I had always assumed that this was true for all or most substance users: anything is fine, as long as it is used in moderation, and there is no excuse for allowing these substances to control your life.  Although I work in the mental health field, I assumed the substance users I encountered were a small percentage of the actual substance using population, and that other issues (poverty, lack of education, even personal weaknesses) were the true root of the problem, but the substance use itself.  Long story short, I have a tendency to minimize the impact of substance use rather than overreact.

However, I am beginning to see that my family is the exception, not the rule.

Approximately one year ago, I moved in with my boyfriend.  He has always been a heavy drinker, smokes marijuana daily, and also uses cocaine.  Although I have no problem with (even daily) marijuana use, I am now very concerned about his drinking and the cocaine.  When we moved in together, I was under the impression that the cocaine use was occasional and recreational.  In my opinion, if you have a little extra money and want to go out and party with your friends and do some coke every once in a while, that's not too big a deal.  However, he is now using weekly, and spending money he does not have.  His car is illegal: unregistered, uninspected, and uninsured.  He is so behind on child support that his entire tax refund was seized and his bank accounts were frozen.  He owes money to multiple people (dealers).  I have paid the majority of the rent and bills for the past 7 months, despite both of us currently working.  I buy all of the groceries.  He frequently asks me for money with which to purchase alcohol or drugs, and if I do not give it to him he becomes very angry. 

Now, part of the problem, at least with the money situation, is that he spends his money foolishly.  For example, he buys prepared food or take out instead of making meals from scratch.  The larger problem, though, is that he is spending money on alcohol or drugs.

He has also begun drinking to the point where he is blackout drunk.  His friends are commenting to me.  He becomes angry if he is told he is drinking too much or needs to slow down.  He becomes loud and obnoxious to the point where people don't want to be around him.

When he drinks too much he sleepwalks and urinates in the house.  He has peed: on our couch; in the closet; in his daughter's toy chest; on various piles of laundry; in the corner of rooms.  You cannot wake him up, and if you try to get him to stop peeing and go into the bathroom he yells at you to get out of the bathroom.  He has also punched walls and pushed me while he is in this condition.  I am starting to worry that the next step will be him hitting me.  I am also starting to worry because the last two times he ended up leaving the house: I heard the front door open and was able to get him back inside, but what if I'm sound asleep one night and he manages to walk into the road?

We were recently at a Jack and Jill party for a wedding where he was the best man.  At 3 AM I wanted to go home, but he wanted to stay and keep drinking (and doing coke).  When I told him I was leaving we had a huge fight because I didn't "understand" that he was the best man and it was his duty to stay and party with his friend even though I was tired and wanted to go home.  He ended up getting out of my car, punching my car, walking down the street screaming and punching street signs.  I was able to get him back in the car and home, but he easily could have been arrested had police happened upon the scene.

A week or so ago he drank to excess, and wanted to go buy some coke.  When I wouldn't give him a ride or money, and his dealer wouldn't come to him, he attempted to take my keys.  When I asked for them back he threw them at me.  I was at the point where I believed he would attempt to take my car (despite being in no condition to drive), and did not know whether to fight him for the keys (if he tried to take them again), let him leave and call police, or to let him go and hope he made it there and back safely.  Fortunately he went to bed shortly afterward, and I did not have to make the decision.

This weekend we went out to dinner and bowling with a friend of his.  This friend confronted him about his drinking (he drank 7 beers in under and hour, and just kept right on going), and he became angry with his friend and accused this friend of trying to break us up.  He also accused me and his friend of flirting with each other.  At the bowling alley he continued to drink out of his friend's pitcher (despite not being allowed to as he had forgotten his ID so couldn't get a wristband).  When staff told him he was not allowed to drink due to not having his ID he insisted on leaving and was verbally abusive to staff.  He also told me that he needed to go buy coke because his dealer was angry that he had called him for some the night before (which he claimed not to remember doing).  He and his friend had an argument in the parking lot about his drinking, and he stormed off.  He later called me for a ride.  While he was gone his friend confronted me.  What he said to me, and what I can't stop thinking about since is:

"He needs a rock bottom, and I'm worried he's not going to get that with you around."

When we picked my boyfriend up he attempted to get in his car and drive it home because he didn't want to have to go back for it the next day.  I had to beg him, but I was able to get him to come home with me.  When we went back to get his car his friend refused to come out of the house or speak with him.

I can't help but think his friend is right.  Other friends of his have made comments such as "I don't know how you deal with him", "I'm so sorry you have to deal with him", and "we're worried about him", but no one has straight up called me out on the fact that I peronsally may be ALLOWING this to continue.

I found a crack pipe under our couch a month or so ago, and told him he needed to get into treatment.  He asked me "or what?" and asked him not to force me to threaten him.  He agreed he would see a therapist, but has since shown great reluctance, making statements such as "I want to do it on my own" and talking about how therapy is just self indulgent 'xxxx'. He also claims that he was just tried smoking crack to see if it was any better, and decided he didn't like it and would stick to coke.

He seems to be under the impression that everyone else has the problem, not him.  His friends are all being melodramatic.  I am overreacting.  He doesn't need to change: we do. 

This is all typical addict stuff, I know.

My question is, what do I do?

I can't stop paying bills: they're all in my name, and not paying them would ruin my credit while not having much of any effect on him.

If he gets arrested I have no intention of bailing him out of jail, but I don't want it to come to that.  I also don't want to end up in a situation where my car is getting towed and I have no money to get it out.

I don't want to end our relationship: I love him very much, and am afraid that withdrawing my support would, instead of giving him a wake up call or allowing him to hit rock bottom, simply cause him to become defiant and lead to an increase in his substance use.  But maybe that is what I need to do?

Should I make an ally of his friend (or friends)?  I don't want it to appear that there is anything going on between us, or that as group everyone is now ganging up on him and talking behind his back.  Should I inform his grandfather (parents are uninvolved) of what is going on?  His sister?  Would this just look like I'm causing drama?

I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist of my own, but it is about a month or so away, and I could use support or advice in the meantime.  I considered going to a meeting in my local area, but they are all in the evenings, which is when I work.  Any tips would be appreciated!