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I hadn't checked my Facebook account in awhile & this morning I checked it & on my husbands page I find that the woman he dated when we were separated was his friend & every single post or pic he had she liked or she made a comment. I was mortified. He did not comment back to any of her comments. If it meant nothing why would she be his FB friend. I was so upset I usually go on a rampage but i need time to cool down before I confront him about it. I don't even know how to confront him about it or if I should even say anything. I don't know what to do. All I know is that for the next 30 min I need to calm down & pray.
Do I understand how you feel and it really sucks. Feelings aren't facts and I'm soooo glad you are taking a moment to breathe. I hope you will take the opportunity to call either your sponsor or an alanon friend and workout the hardest feelings you have going on at the moment.
Sending you so much love and support it does get better, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Sorry you have to go through this now. I believe the internet can have crazy effects on our relationship. Maybe it helps to tell you that I have a number of fb friends and they do not all matter to me. In fact, some are friends of friends and some I don't even remember.
Ugh, Facebook! I too have wasted too much time trying to follow my AH around on Facebook. I see now why they say it leads to more divorces every year than anything else. My AH too has gone back and forth friending, unfriending, friending his ex that simply worships the ground he walks on and has made it clear if he would only leave me that she and him can have their dream life together. My AH unfortunately gets a rush from the interest even though he has no intention of being with this girl. This is a continual topic in therapy. Here is where I'm at today, it might help you, it might not: if my AH is going to cheat it doesn't really matter the method he uses, if you cut them off of Facebook they will simply find another avenue, therefore I have learned to just let it go. I can't control it and the less I focus on it the better off I am. Confronting my AH never had any long term effect, he would placate me in the immediate and then just go back to doing it. Now that I have stopped asking him about it and stopped seeking the information I am more at peace and honestly, I think he has stopped communicating with her because I think I'm taking the fun out of it for him. Remember, A's are notorious for seeking affirmation and attention from us, what better way to get it than to communicate with ex-girlfriends and watch us lose our minds. Lately I simply think to myself "yea honey, go ahead and chase after him, give me a call once you got him and let me know how it's working for you". For some reason that calms me down. Please just give yourself time to cool down Texasgal before you do anything and release that you can simply rise above it. I've been there, hugs and prayers your way! sg
My husband came home for lunch & I refrained from yelling & crying. I texted with a group friend & I calmed down. I have been talking & praying to HP all day. I have also refrained from sending him nasty & mean texts. Before coming to program my emotions and feelings ran my life.
Sounds like you are working a good program. My question would be: givem that these comments are there and no one can go back in time and undo them, what do you want to happen? What outcome do you want? That might help in thinking how to go forward.
That's hard. I'm not sure how to handle this now given my tools. In the past my ex that I was married to 15 years cheated multiple times but not during "splits' just during our entire marraige. I was able to "control" it (which as you will see, control is a fallacy) by placing demands on him. Don't be friends with other women, don't go to lunch alone with women, etc, etc, etc.
He still cheated until the day I divorced him, he just got better at hiding it. I can't say your situation sounds anything like mine, but not sure if there is much that will help in the way of the facebook issue. I might just simply tell him how I feel about it, and see what he does.
What I want is to yell at him & throw a fit. But that is not healthy & nothing will get accomplished. All i know how to do is yell & then give silent treatment. I don't know how to have an adult discussion about this. I want this lady out of his life & FB forever. But i know nagging & complaining won't resolve the issue. I want to be respected & in order to be respected I need to set some kind of boundary with him but Idk what or how to approach it at the moment as I am still very emotional.
Setting a boundary is a great idea, if it's something you can carry through. This is a hard situation. Maybe start with telling him how it affects you and how you feel with "I" statements. Of course there is nothing that says he's going to magically be understanding and sympathetic! The boundary with my RBF is "if you choose to drink, I am not willing to be around you". We haven't had that happen yet but it's clear and there. Very emotional is ok especially since you recognize it and are avoiding discussing while you are processing those feelings. Once you gather a plan and make a decision on how to go forward, you may find yourself a little less emotional if you feel clear headed about it.
I wish you the best in this. And my last thought with what kind of boundary to set is that on Facebook, if she were to block you, you would not be able to see her on his page, in his list of friends, anything she writes, likes, etc at all. I think for me I would prefer to know she's there and be able to see her. I have that rule with my son - I have to see his posts and know who his friends are and I agree to not post on his wall and embarrass him LOL.
Oh Facebook, how it brings so many together and so many farther and farther apart. I recently deactivated my Facebook account because I was constantly trying to figure out what my AH was doing living 700 miles away. I checked his friends facebook pages, his page, his sister, his brother...anyone that was friends with him. It was literally driving me crazy trying to find something, anything!!!
I want to activate it again because I feel even more disconnected from my friends and family. I live so far away from them all, it really sucks not having that connection.
I think if I do, I will need to block my AH and all of his friends and family...I am not sure I have the strength yet to not go searching and stalking!
In my opinion, Facebook is so fake sometimes, I have people that requested to be my friend and I havent seen them or talked to them in over 10 years. They comment on some of my stuff too, like they know me... oh well... you take the good with the bad I guess.
I am proud of you for noticing your anger and taking time to calm down before reacting. I was once told that we never say the things we mean to say when we are angry.
The best thing my soon to be ex has done for me is block me .. LOL!! I can't look and I don't feel the urge to even. I'm soooo grateful for that fact. As far as his "friend" they really truly deserve each other and then some .. it's a train wreck coming and it's going to be nasty. Guess what .. I don't have to be in the middle and they can both jump the crazy train to looneyville and stay there forever if they so choose .. as long as they don't take MY children with them .. I really could care less.
It really hurt to see what he was saying when I wasn't blocked. What I had to remember is this is ALL the disease .. this is all of the garbage that goes with it and this is the behavior of a teenager not an adult .. soooo .. who's got the bigger issue me or him? HIM! I just need to keep the focus on me and deal with what I need to and as I do and I get stronger things get better. What other people think of me is none of my business and knowing how bad he lies to everyone is a really good feeling. My actions will speak far louder than anything he does or doesn't do.
Please don't beat yourself up .. I agree with the boundaries .. although .. I've never said I wouldn't embarrass my daughter .. LOL.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
LOL P! I had to - he kept blocking me, then I'd take away his internet access and it was this back and forth thing. So when he approached me respectfully and asked that I not tag him in pics without his permission and I not write all over his wall or make comments to his buddies - I agreed. He's 16 though, I do not have that agreement with my 13 year old
My husband is due to come home in a bit I feel like I'm not ready to see him. I feel like I might explode when I see him. But i guess I won't ever be ready I'm just going to take it 10 minutes at a time. It's funny cuz he doesn't even know that I'm having this mental breakdown. Before i would have exploded & their would have been crying & yelling & all kinds of havoc. I'm so grateful I found the program & this message board.
