The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. I had obviously read it some time ago, because those were my squiggles and underlines and marginal comments. I guess I was ready to really hear what she is saying, this time around.
It has helped me enormously to detach. She's got DDH down pat. She says the verbal abuser doesn't love his mate--can't. He sees life as an I win--you lose construct. A zero sum game. No mutuality there. It explains so much about why he has always acted the way he does and also why it has taken me so long to get it. I knew he was hostile towards me, but I thought it was unconscious. I also knew he had placed me in the mother role (and himself as the defiant adolescent--or 2 year old, take your pick; she explains why and why he is so angry with me if anything goes wrong (the all-powerful mother is supposed to save him from himself in spite of himself.
She also says the verbal abuser feeds on anger. And explains the workings of his exploding at me and then being all pleased with himself.
She only mentions alcohol once--to say that it doesn't make him angry; it only makes him less inhibited about exhibiting it. And of course mine doesn't drink.
Well, I read that little tome and this time it sank in, and I promised myself that when I am well and fit again and have all my ducks in a row, I am out of here. And I have great peace--and no longer even think about trying to change him, or to try to tell him a better way to do anything.
I haven't said one word to him, but he saw me reading the book--the title is writ large across the front of the paperback. He's been on his best behavior. And I don't expect that to last, and it doesn't matter.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Hey Temple, good book, I read it when I was first going through my last break up with my ex, and I was just remarking to mom the other day that I should read it again now to see how it feels. I remember nodding my head a LOT while reading it. I've come to the realization that even without the alcohol my ex would still be this type of person.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I have that book, but haven't read it in a year or so. My AH was dry for 15 years and this book explains a lot of his 'stuff' very well. The drinking has just been the icing on the cake for the past few years.
Clearly I need to add that one!! What you describe there was so much of my relationship with my ex and I never could wrap my brain around him not only being proud of his temper and outbursts, but even after he knew he'd hurt someone, it was their fault.
A few minutes ago I was sitting outside thinking about the "tapes" that run through my mind from the verbal abuse my exAH. I live without him in my home and am ready to free myself from his words. I appreciate you put this post up. I am ready to read this book.
Great feedback! So glad to see so many others have read it or plan to.
Patricia Evans says the verbal abuser can change--but he really has to want to. And since mine is perfect and pleased with himself no end, I don't expect that to happen in what is left of this lifetime.
Interestingly, she says she has never seen a female verbal abuser recover. She thinks the reason is that for a woman to become a verbal abuser, she is somehow broken in her feminine side (that is a paraphrase) and also wounded on the male side because she doesn't have the whatever it takes to stop it.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I did not read the book, but I am curious. Let me ask you all a question. Are codependents sometimes verbal abusive - according to the book and in general?
The only mention of that that I can think of is that generally the receiver of the abuse only gets abusive in return when she has had it and is ready to end the relationship. She doesn't talk about codependency as such, if I recall right.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
And just for starters--I've heard some pretty mean things come out of my mouth, in retaliation, after decades of being accused of all sorts of things--evil intent, mostly. And I certainly didn't start out that way. Over the years I became more and more frustrated with the utter irrationality of it all. Now whatever he chooses to say doesn't have the power it once did. Now I have his number.
Before I reread the book, one day when he was blaming me for God knows what, I asked him, "Are you saying that your life would be fine if only I weren't in it?" No, no, no, he wasn't saying that. And I was thinking what an easy fix that would be if it were the case, and what was stopping him? (Fear of being alone, is what.)
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Yep...sounds like a pretty accurate description of the pathology underlying alcoholism. I think I've used the term "king baby" on here before....
Temple - I agree that fear of being alone is something that keeps alcoholics in relationships but along with that - Where would all that anger go if you were not there? It would be directed right back where it originates from: self and self-hate. All the more reason to keep detaching cuz you definitely don't deserve to be anyone's verbal punching bag and good for you for recognizing it.
