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I'm always so glad when I set boundaries. It has been the one thing that has built my confidence, improved my life and allowed me to regain my happiness.
So when I'm presented with the opportunity, why must I drag my feet and hear those complacent little voices in my head going "oh what's the harm, just let it go".
My ex (been divorced over 5 years) set it up in mediation 5 years ago that we "share" the kids birthdays, meaning we celebrate together with them. Unless specifically changed technically we have to do everything in that stupid peice of paper but this one I find absurd and ridiculous and wonder why a professional mediator even put it in there instead of just leaving it as one of those "you two decide" deals.
Over the past 5 years I've arranged birthday parties for the kids without my ex and been threatened with court and "contempt of court" idiocy. I've given in and just put up with it. It's been a headache for 5 years no matter how you look at it. Either we can't agree on the venue, we can't agree on the cost or if we do agree he fails to follow through and I"m left suck with the cost and whaever else. Once he boycotted his own child's birthday on the grounds that his son did not want his dad's new girlfriend there. Crushed his son. Once I got stuck paying for his second wife and her kids at a party!
My oldest turned 16, he wanted to play airsoft with his buddies and have a BBQ after so his girlfriend could participate. Ex agreed to go in on the gift $180 airsoft rifle when tax/shipping was done. Ex agreed to split the cost of ex and 4 boys playing airsoft (about $150). And then the BBQ which is easy to do cheap for teenagers, they dont' need fancy food.
Saturday night, the night before all goes down I get the message that ex can't pay for half of anything, including our upcoming almost 9 year old's birthday on July 11 - until after that date. WTF? Am I made of money or something? So here I am, killing my savings that is being saved up for a trip to England the end of August because otherwise it would have been cancelled.
So clearly it's time to call this off. Because I only want to pay for what I can afford. And if he can only afford 0 because he didn't play - that's his issue and I'm tired of it. And in addition I will be lucky to get half of anything - and he bailed out of the BBQ so I know he'll be telling me he's not paying half of the food either.
I have a short, simple, easy, not aggressive email ready to send and the "committee" in my head is giving me hell. "Do you really want to go through the stress of his reaction over this?" "Just let it go, your son had a great birthday that's what matters" "Why rock the boat", and on and on.
I'm going to do it because i know better but it just goes to show me that my sick mind still has a powerful hold on me. To try and convince me this isn't ridiculous to go through over and over and over again. We have 3 kids together - it is a big deal! Ok thanks for letting me vent LOL.
Before I hit a send key literally I give myself 24 hours (sometimes a day or two longer) give myself time to THINK, How important is it and so on. Only because once that send button is hit there is no going back. I also do the foot work that is needed am I prepared for any consequences that go with my actions. I def look at am I reacting or acting to a situation that has been presented.
I know how hard it is and I've only just begun on this whole situation. I'm so not looking forward to it however it's going to be what it's going to be. I agree when it's not working out it's important to see what is no longer working in the agreement and it's been a long enough time kids grow and change their needs and what is best for them always need to be considered first and foremost. It sounds like that's what you are doing .. let him be the one to explain why he's wearing egg on his face.
Sending much love and support, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
For me, I think I wait (sometimes with gritted teeth and smoke coming out of my ears while I run for the hills shaking my fist at Higher power) because I've been "programmed" to put the brakes on my knee-jerk reactions... to pause when agitated and then praying for the next right thought or action. To me, your pause looks like real growth, I applaud you!
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Wow, this is a tough situation. I think you are absolutely making the right call when you said from now on, you are just going to plan birthday celebrations that you can afford on your own and quit expecting him to be involved. Sounds like he is pretty manipulative to have insisted that shared birthdays was part of the custody arrangements and then back out of them when it's not convenient for him to be there. It doesn't sound like his motivation was as much about the kids as it was about trying to figure out a way that he could still mess with your head. You sound like you are a great mom, and I would bet that as your kids get older they will really appreciate the fact that you were always the constant in their lives when they were growing up.
Thanks holivex, he's very immature and he "reacts" instead of thinking. His car broke down and so it ate up his savings and I get all that but to wait until the last minute? He did that so I couldn't find an alternative and leave him out. The email is written and saved. I'm getting ready to go in, tweak it, be sure it's as non aggressive "not mean" as possible but direct. He is extremely manipulative and I had a few words with the mediator telling her I was shocked that a therpist, psychologist and professional mediator could NOT see through his total BS smooth talking crap. She also refused to speak to the kids which further irritated me because it was my word against his. She thought I was a bitch and he was father of the year for wanting everything to be done together. It took 5 years for the courts to see the truth and now the kids are mostly old enough to decide where they live.
