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Last Christmas I bought Pink Floyd tickets for my son and my AH (and myself so I could be chauffer). My AH is in rehab now and is beginning to earn privileges. He has talked them into allowing him to go to the concert with my son and I but I don't want to take him. Heck! I don't even want to go. I have been able to find someone willing to take my ticket and my son... I love Pink Floyd, I just hate concerts more. Also, my AH is really pushing all of my hot buttons, even one's I didn't know were there every time we talk... trying to convince me that I am wrong for everything I do while he's in the program... everything all the way down to the food they make him eat. I just don't think I am strong enough to stand up against him and I don't want to have to sit with him in a car for 2 hours for the drive. Am I wrong for telling my AH to find another way because I'm not going. (On a side note, he lost his license to a DUI many years ago and hasn't gone to get it back -even though he could have a year ago -because, as he put, "I'm afraid I'll get drunk and get charged with another DUI, that'll be my last strike". We have a 3 strike policy in our state and he would do major time in prison if he got caught drinking and driving again.)
__________________
Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
Well, I'm not one to ask since my AH is on a suspended license for his DUI and it's driving me crazy deciding when and where I will help out with the driving assistance. I say do what feels right for you. What are you comfortable doing? There is no right or wrong answer here. Maybe forcing him to find another way to get there will reinforce the fact that the drinking has more fallout than expected? Or maybe it won't. And, I totally understand the 'I don't want to sit in the car with him for 2 hours, either." I can barely do 20 mins in the car with my AH right now. He's either dead silent or he's pushing one of my buttons and neither one is very appealing to me.
Just my opinion here but No I dont think its wrong to say you dont want to go to a concert . And hubby can get his licence back and take responsibility for his own behavior . I always told my husb if he got a dui he should be prepared to hire a driver as I was not going to put my life on hold to drive him to work etc. luckily I wasnt chalenged in this area but hope that I would have stuck to my decission . Louise
What about your son in this? How does he feel? Would he be happy going with you?
I can relate very much to having my buttons pushed by an alcoholic. They can really get under your skin. I work pretty hard to stay out of their way these days. Of course there was a time when I was right in the middle of their lives.
I can also relate to being told everything about me was wrong. The ex A could do that in a heart beat. He could also convince everyone that I was the one who was crazy. I used to be hurt by that. The other day I heard this drug addict/dealer was calling me crazy. At first I was hurt now I just think its funny that someone who is putting his life on the line every day by dealing drugs thinks I am crazy. I absolutely have to grasp the three C's. I can't control them, cure them and I absolutely didn't cause it.
Wow - there's not someone out there willing to take your Pink Floyd ticket?? haha
Yeah, I'd say you don't have to come up with the solution for this one. The only part your responsible for is taking care of you, and if you need to back out of it, then that's all you have to do. Let your son and AH come up with creative solutions to get there. I'm sure if you'd ended up sick or something, they would find a way to get there.
My exhusband has totally agreed to take our son to the concert in my place. I didn't even have to twist his arm... haha! My son will enjoy some father/son bonding time without anyone else around. It will be good for them.
My AH, on the other hand, is just gonna have to figure this one out on his own. I'm not a chauffer. He is in rehab afterall and it is not my fault he's there and it is not my fault he doesn't have a license. I don't want to go to the concert and I have found a way that my son won't suffer because of it. I went to an Al-anon meeting tonight and in that meeting had a revelation. I don't have to look to others to justify a decision I need to make. I have been seeking permission to say I'm not going and I just need permission from myself. It's okay to say no. I give myself permission to say no. There I said. No, No, No... It's a new found freedom... I'm doing a happy dance right now. This is pretty big for me! Now, I just need the courage to tell my AH... I'm sure once this is all over with it won't seem like such a big deal to me anymore.
Thanks everyone for your input. I appreciate it. :O)
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Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
It is OK to say No. No, is also perfectly capable of being a complete sentence. Which reminds me of my favorite J.A.D.E. - I do not need to justify, argue, defend or explain if I do not wish to. Your post reminded me of how hard it was at first to just believe in that but boy, once I took to the idea I have never given it up as my favorite! Welcome to MIP.
I'm not suprised but I thought I'd update you guys. Today, I handed him his concert ticket and told him that I'm not going to drive him to the concert. He got really mad and then pointed at my face and told me to find a divorce lawyer and divorce him! Ha! I told him if he wanted a divorce he could divorce me himself, other than that, I am in no hurry to be free from him. I know that was his alcoholism speaking and he was trying to manipulate me into changing my mind but I won't. I am holding my ground! I feel like a little girl who is trying to be real brave and then when no one looks, I tuck tail and curl up in my HP's lap and cry. I know I will be okay, though. I'm keeping my head up.
__________________
Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
Isn't alcoholism amazing? It can turn a simple thing like someone backing out of a plan to suddenly manifest a divorce. It reminds me of my illness, too... how I can turn a sink full of dirty dishes into a divorce. :P
That was so awesome you got to practice saying "no", and so great you spotted the alcoholism right away when he gave you the reaction you expected. Amazing growth!
It is amazing... very cunning... I love my husband very much but I can't change him. Like I told a dear friend the other day, I'm not giving up on my marriage or my husband, just my alcoholic!
It was kinda exciting saying no to him though. The whole experience gave me an adrenaline rush. It took a little bit for my body to calm down. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be either. I appreciate everyones encouragement. It produces strength!
__________________
Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
