The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My Grandma was married to an alcoholic and divorced him after having a daughter (my mom).
My mom was married to an alcoholic and divorced him after having a daughter (me).
I married an alcoholic and do not have a daughter or any other children because his harsh life style has ruined his sperm.
I am the third generation of a woman marrying an alcoholic. Surprised me because he wasn't when we got married. My father got sober before I could remember, I never experienced my father as a drunk.
Today my husband informed me that he is not going to be the scapegoat for my family pattern.
I felt like that was pretty low. I don't know how to respond.
When someone says something ridiculous and hurtful it tends to be best to either 1. not respond, or 2. respond with "that was ridiculous and hurtful" and then walk away. Arguing or reacting back to such a statement gives it more attention than it deserves.
Other than that, I only wonder if the context for his reply what was it sound like (which is that all this is your problem and not his). It could be that he is going to get sober and not fit the pattern. It could be that he views himself as being more than just an alcoholic and doesn't want the destruction of your marriage blamed totally on that - which may be partially true... Or it could be like you and I presumably would assume which is that he things he is magnificent and your assessment of familial patterns and alcoholism means nothing to him because you are to blame for everything (that would be standard alcoholic reasoning).
Yesterday he said that his drinking isn't the problem, me and my issues are the problem. I think I'm going to ask him to help me break the family pattern. Because it takes more than one person to make a family.
The ex A and other people would throw my family issues at me all the time. Funny thing is I never threw his family issues at him.
I could beat myself up about the patterns that arose from my family history. In theory I had some idea that I was picking the wrong people. I had to really get into al anon to put in place things like boundaries, noticing red flags and more.
I don't even understand what that would mean -- the scapegoat for your family pattern. It sounds like typical alcoholic denial to me. My ex-AH would always tell me that I was just way too sensitive to drinking and that I had a problem with totally normal drinking. Like no one else would have a problem with drinking, hiding, lying, stealing, and passing out. The knots they tie themselves in trying to make it our problem. Remember the SSS on their foreheads -- SICK SICK SICK.
I can relate to the family pattern issue. Certain traits and behaviours, certain personality types and relationship dynamics, even certain emotional pain, can feel like "home". My partner has said similar things to me , like "I can't change to rescue you from your past", and while I was horrified that they were denying their role in my plight, I realised it had actually struck a chord in me that I didn't want to face at the time. Nomatter how the person in our life is or isn't, if we are transferring some of our issues inside us that we carry over from our family history, that is our responsibility to ourselves to take. That is our side of the street to clear. Just because someone is sick and obnoxious doesn't mean we're not making them partly the reason for something inside ourself that was there already. I know my partner is all those difficult dysfunctional adjectives: hurtful, moody, neglectful, self centred, but I also know those traits bring up stuff from my childhood with an aA also, which I need to own for my own al-anon growth, and not make iall my reactions, triggers and emotions about my partner. I probably won't be popular for making this point, but I think it's important to bring the focus back to me as much as I can, as I will externalise my own issues wherever I can get away with it. Lol. Hope this resonates...if not just ignore it. Lol. Tigger x
