The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm such a mess all the time. I have gone to meetings on and off. We separated for a 10 months and I became very active in program I even completed the steps for the first time in 5 yrs. I was beginning to feel good in my own skin. We decided to get back together but then while we had been apart he confessed that he had dated a woman for about 2 months. I was in shock & so began my spiral downward. Im sad all the time. He says he loves me & that he chooses to be with me but I can't believe him. I feel betrayed that he dated someone while we were apart. How do I start back to healing?
Take the focus off of him and put it on to yourself. Obsessing about what he did while you were apart is not going to change what did or didn't happen. You know what you know and all you can do if you want the relationship to work is move forward. Get back with your meetings, get back into working the steps with your sponsor.
So glad you are here!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Make a conscious decision to let it go...to stop caring about it...to stop letting the "2 month fling" he had while you were separated own you and your feelings. Make a decision to forgive. Trust your Higher Power that there was a reason that you guys separated and that everything which happened in the 10 months was part of what each of you needed on your respective journeys to reconnect.
You cannot and will not ever be his "everything" and the fact that he found some comfort in another relationship for a brief period is probably more a reflection of his weakness and loneliness at that time rather than a reflection of your insufficency. The fact that he found out the grass is really not greener on the other side could be reassuring to you. He could have stayed with the other person right? He chose you. The end. You can view it differently and you can stop obsessing about it all together. It won't just go away overnight (or it might) but practice viewing it differently until the more healthy views actually become your reality. Praying to have the obsession removed and healthier views to come in would also help.
This is just my suggestion based on what's worked for me.
I think your feelings are completely valid but probably not useful. I'm learning to understand the concept of "feelings are not facts". I tend to break things down in my head. If I were in your shoes it would be "am I able to let this go?" "if not, then am I willing to live with that or do I need to make a change?" "if yes, then I need to set it down and start clean and never pick it up again".
But that is not to discount the feelings of betrayal, however when carried and held onto, it will prevent healing the relationship. And I couldn't agree more with taking the focus off *him* and *his issues* and moving it to yourself so you can take care of yourself and love yourself and heal yourself.
And I have been through feelings of betrayal more times than I wish to count with my ex. I hope you will find a way to work through those feelings, I do not recommend working through them with your ex. A trusted friend, a therapist, a pastor, etc.
I need to start to work out the feelings with group friends. I have been holding in all the feelings & then I blow up over little things & we fight. I can tell it is bothers my husband. He has been sober 7 yrs. And sometimes after a trivial fight I feel guilty cuz I know I'm not using my program tools I'm running on self will. I do not want to push our relationship so far that it breaks. It's funny how when he was out their drinking he was the tornado & now he is sober & I'm the tornado. I don't want to be the tornado anymore. I need to choose to be forgiving & move forward with my recovery for my own sanity.
I felt betrayed all the time around an alcoholic. I think I was very sensitive to the lies and the distance. When I am around an alcoholic now I notice they are either totally distant or absolutely demanding. At one time I was absolutely hooked into that now I am not. Now I can see right through it.
I don't know why you stopped going to al anon except that a relationship with an alcoholic can be very time consuming. They have a way of taking up every second of our lives. When I started to carve out my own life it was the beginning of being able to take care of me.
When I feel sad or rejected I isolate myself & I felt very rejected by my husband. I had stopped going for about 3 months but I completely shut down. We were together for about 7 months before I found out. During that time I would go to meetings & go out with my friends everywhere. I had my life then i found out & I felt like the rug got pulled out from under me. I have been in hiding all this time. I'm going to a meeting in a little bit & I feel so good about it it is the first step to getting my life back.
I can relate to being devastated. When I left the ex A I was absolutely heart broken for a long time I felt like he betrayed everything I had built up over our relationship and given it all away. Of course now I know he was too ill to do much more than just self destruct everything around him.
For me the issue is that I had a lot of signs that the ex A was like that before I got involved. I didn't heed those signs. That is a big part of my recovery these days, heeding the signs...
