Wrote my A a letter - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Wrote my A a letter

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been working on a letter that I intend to give to my AH next week, a few days before I leave for Florida. In the letter I basically tell him that I'm tired of accepting the unacceptable, that I fear his driving decisions on the suspended license are detrimental to our family, and that I don't approve of his decisions. I also told him that we can't begin to fix our marriage until the drinking gets addressed, however he chooses to do so(if he chooses to do so). I told him I'd be happy to work on our marriage but the drinking must stop and it's up to him to figure out how to do it. I told him that if he continues to drink, I will ask him to leave our home.

So, I have decided that I have no expectations on this. I can't predict what his response will be nor do I really care. I want our marriage to work but it takes 2 to do that. I do not want to be married to someone who doesn't care about his wife or his family's emotional health so if he chooses to keep drinking then I'll truly know where his loyalties lie and I can move on with my life. The alcoholism and the disregard for the law are too much for me, I can't just sit there and accept that this will be my life for the next 30 years. So, I guess I'm just trying to see where his mind is and I can make decisions from there.

I keep re-examining my motives here but I do believe that this is the right thing to do since we can't have a normal conversation these days. Maybe it will all come back to bite me in the rear? I don't know. I just know I feel like I have to do something so that God can light my path because right now I feel like I'm straddling the fence in the dark, totally unable to make any decisions.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Before I found Al-Anon I wrote several letters. None of them garnered the response that I hoped for. I communicated what I needed to and at the time it was the best that I could do.

I found Al-Anon, started attending meetings and reading. I knew I was where I was supposed to be but I struggled.

I hated the pot, I hated the drinking, I was able to let go of the anger as I started working my program.

It's a disease. It's easier for me to see how this is the case in others then it is for me to see it with my husband.

In February we had a big fight, which resulted in me leaving and telling him that he needed to deal with his insecurities. I called and asked my sponsor to be my sponsor. My AH wrote me a long letter and asked for another chance. So my total time gone was less then 24 hours.

Part of the fight I threatened him if he called animal control on the dog I would call and report pot in the house. That is when the pot and all related paraphanalia was removed from our house, and it hasn't reappeared. I was and I am thankful for this.

In March I left for 2 weeks. There was a fight on a Monday night and I left because I was concerned for my safety. I went back but I couldn't shake my feelings of discontent, unhappiness, and general misery.

I went back, because he promised that he would actually do better. He showed me that he was taking steps to do better. I returned. He still drinks, he's not in recovery. As long as he treats me with dignity and respect I can leave his recovery up to HP.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. You have a lot of years with your AH. Y'all have a son. There is a lot of history between you. Whether he is drinking or not you have to find your own serenity. You have to determine if you can achieve that serenity with him, or away from him and then you have to make the choices that are right for you and that is between you and your HP.

It's not easy. Sending you support on your journey. Hugs!!!

Bug · Newbie

Wow... some great stuff posted here. You are brave!!
Hang in there. I kinda feel your pain as well...

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

Writing these kinds of letters was helpful to me in that they helped me clarify what I really wanted for myself, what kind of relationship I was after, how I wanted my life to be.

Sometimes my ex would say he fully and totally understood for the first time in his life, the destruction he had caused, the hurt he had inflicted. Sometimes it was like he barely read it.

Either way, my letters didn't change his mind about his drinking. But they did change mine in what I was willing to live with.

For me, sharing my thoughts was just something I had to do so I could leave the marriage without regrets. I needed to be able to say I tried everything within my power.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Dolly said it best, what I'm feeling and how I want to approach things. It would be easier if I felt comfortable talking to him about this stuff directly but my efforts have been futile at best. I know the results will be less than ideal but so will staying in a crappy marriage. I guess I feel that this is an effort on my part to feel some release and feel that I at least made an effort.

I keep asking myself if I want to be living this same life in 10 years or 20 years and the truth is NO! I don't want this for myself and he knows it. Deep down I know he knows it and I know he's afraid to change. I believe that the few months I've had in program have given me the courage to figure out exactly what I want and what I don't want. I mean, I could stay with him for a few more years just to avoid custody issues, etc. but at what cost? How much more can I take? I guess I can find my own serenity as an individual but I want a marriage, a partnership, etc and right now I don't get that from him. So, I guess I know that I can find my own path even staying married to him but what kind of marriage are we exemplifying in front of our kid? I guess I just can't fake it, I can't pretend anymore that his choices don't bother me and I don't want to live like that anymore. Well, we'll see what happens, right? Can't be much worse than the way things are now.

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

I felt the exact same way. I knew, through the lessons I learned in Al Anon and with the support of friends, I could keep my serenity and gain more detachment from his alcoholism.

But, then I realized how much freakin super human energy it would take to live with an active drinker, and it was *my* marriage, too...didn't I deserve one where I received some support and kindness, where I could trust my spouse and rely on him? I *could* have stayed with him...but the cost to my soul and my life was too much. It's a personal decision and I wish you all the best in finding your way. You will get there!

Everyone's relationship is different...and every alcoholic is down the rabbit hole of addiction to varying degrees....this was just my experience.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Your post brings back lots of memories. My guess is, he already knows you want him to stop drinking, this probably won't be news to him. My guess is, you've asked him to stop drinking before. My guess is, you don't like the answer. None of us do. We are powerless over alcohol. Powerless. I've written these letters too, and there was ONLY ONE motive, it was to get him to stop drinking, it was to change him. Each time, I had to make it more serious, step up my threats. Eventually, it came to a head, one day I totally raged. I ended up breaking the kitchen window and putting a hole in the wall as I threw things. Why? I was so frustrated I couldn't control him, I believed I had that power.

After you write the letter, I suggest you put it in your God Box. Let God have it instead. I suggest you use your vacation time to put some space between you, maybe apply the al-anon principles, apply steps 1-3. Because, what's the rush? Why not enjoy your time away, watching for all the ways Higher Power is speaking to you, and loving you, let that be your focus and delight. If you give him a letter, you will be consumed by what he is thinking, won't you???

When I feel I have to DO SOMETHING, I gotta watch out, it's usually a human response and not a spiritual one.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

ILD - I can only say that I was ready to leave my relationship with my ex-A when it became abundantly clear that he was going to choose misery, being a victim, being angry, and feeling entitled over living in some sort of solution. it wasn't even as much about the alcohol - It was about conflicting values and his no longer matched mine. I didn't want drama, suffering, and I didn't want to be a victim any more. I wasn't going to stay on that sinking ship with him at that point. Being on a small life boat of my own with an unclear destination was better than that.

You are an energetic and vibrant person (you have even been an aerobics instructor right?) - all the negative energy with him seems to be stiffling to your spirit. It's a rough journey and I hope you find the solution that gives you the most serenity and peace.

Mark

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad Lee's post reminds me there's a reading that talks about don't just do something sit there!

Sending you love and support it's not an easy path to walk on either side of the fence all you need to do is focus on this 24 hours :)

Hugs P :)

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

"Writing these kinds of letters was helpful to me in that they helped me clarify what I really wanted for myself, what kind of relationship I was after, how I wanted my life to be."

"After you write the letter, I suggest you put it in your God Box. Let God have it instead. I suggest you use your vacation time to put some space between you, maybe apply the al-anon principles, apply steps 1-3. Because, what's the rush?"

I know that writing helped me process. I know that everyone's story is exclusive to them. Such great ESH in this thread thank you for sharing!

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

Pinkchip, 100%. My story to a T. It def became a values issue. I chose life.

Ilovedogs, thinking of you and sending good vibes your way, sister.

JustJill · Member

I wrote 2-3 letters. they did nothing. I swore I would never write another one, and I have not in over a year. I like the idea of writing one, and then putting it away. I have dealing with my abf for almost 8 years. Wow!

The latest situation was this weekend. My youngest of four graduated HS. I had a huge party Friday night. I invited his kids to come. Well due to work they could not get here till almost 9. This was to be a surprise to him, and it was. He was happy. The problem, he had been drinking all day. So when I walked the kids out to the backyard, I said to his 19 yo daughter, I am sorry your dad has had a few drinks. She said thats okay. I really don't know why I said I was sorry, but I did feel bad she was walking into that again. A friend said that his son said to him, "You aren't going to remember this anyways." He is 12. How sad these kids seen their dad so rare, and hardly ever sober.

At the end of this party, he started getting cross, going to get snippy with my friends. I walked him upstairs and said enough. I was shaking when I went back to talk to my friends.

Next day I am barly talking. He says, OK WHATS WRONG? He had no idea.

This weekend he is not coming with me to my cabin. He is picking up his son and taking him to his own moms. abf moms. I need a break. He was not happy, but too bad. He even asked me when I was going to go to the cabin to pick up the x box for him so his kid can sit in front of it for 10 hours. Selfish.

I get a peacful weekend for me and my kids. He won't be prettending to be sober, sneaking drinks then driving a boat with us.

I just picked up my co dependent no more book, and I will bring that with this weekend. Time for some peace:)

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I love what Glad Lee shared. I do have to state that I have actually never asked him to quit drinking, not since I started in Al Anon, nor do I ask him to stop drinking in this letter. My goal in giving him the letter is to share how I feel, communicate my needs and what I want out of our marriage, and tell him that I love him. That's it. I think that's a fair thing to do in 'marriage'. I guess I have this feeling that if I stop communicating in some way, then it must be over and I'm not ready yet for that.

Also, I am going to give him the letter a few days before I leave for FL. I'm not chickening out and just handing him the letter and then running for the hills. I am using the vacation time as our space but I guess I feel that the' rush' is that this is the PERFECT time for me to express myself. He will have 3 weeks without us at home. He may choose to sit around and feel sorry for himself, that's his choice. I feel a lot of peace with this letter. I have been taking over a month to write it and re-write it and pray about it. I did have the original letter in my God box for 2 weeks and then I pulled it out and re-wrote it. I ask my Higher Power for peace and serenity and I know that no matter what, I will get that someday!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I left the ex A a number of times. I set up all kinds of ultimatums. I really did buy into that he was sorry. Really he was only ever sorry that I wasn't around to enable him. Once I left because he had a friend there 24/7. He promised the friend would be gone. I got home and guess what his friend was still there and his friend actually stayed there almost 24/7 all summer. What a summer that was.

Expectations are really hard to monitor. For me personally I have to have none around an alcoholic. I expect them to be an alcoholic.

Maresie.

JustJill · Member

I love this quote:Expectations are really hard to monitor. For me personally I have to have none around an alcoholic. I expect them to be an alcoholic.

I have to learn this. Thank you!!!

I love dogs: If a letter helps you, then I say go for it. You have every right to put your thoughts on paper.

Fuuny though isn't it. We never get these letters. They never take the time. Hummm.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, I decided to NOT give him the letter. Unless some act of God moves me to do so before I go on vacation next weekend. I thought he was warming up to me last night on the phone but now that he's home I feel that he's the same. Distant, won't make eye contact, etc. Maybe I was right in my suspicions that he was drinking last night and just being happy since he was free to drink as he pleases. I'm starting to think that the letter will be futile and I think I need to bide my time some more and wait. Just trying to let go and let God at this point. I am going to keep the letter, though, and put it in my God box!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Someone said to me today .. show up and let God show off. What that means to me is that God has a much better idea of when and where, He always has a plan for what I need to say and when I need to say it. I'm so grateful that when I do speak that the God of my understanding always provides me with much needed words and actions to carry through.

Hugs P :)

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I think I used to do this sort of thing to try and pass the responsibility of a relationship ending (or not) on the A. That way, you know, if I felt horrible I could blame it on the A. I know my A did it to me, sometimes. Of course not through a letter, just verbally. He'd tell me stuff like "well, it's up to you if you want to keep going or not." Oooooh, I really hated it when he put that on me like that.

Ultimatums, in the end, didn't work for me. It was that I eventually had to have the courage to ask myself what I was willing to accept or not, and then have faith that if I decided the relationship needed to end that I'd be okay even without the A in my life. I gave this lots and lots of thought. It wasn't an overnight decision.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Good for you about the letter. You might also consider putting these in your God Box.... him and his disease.... you and your disease... the outcome of your marriage.... etc. etc.

Surrender it all. And enjoy your time away ((hugs))

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I know you have decided not to show him the letter that is your decision.

I do believe you need to get your feelings out and he needs to hear it at some point. The letter is for you, not him. A letter is not going to make or break whether he will drink again or not But it will validate you and your opinions on the matter.

Until he goes into a recovery program and begins the process of sobriety it will not change. That doesnt mean you cant have your boundaries and say so.

Best to you, hugs, Bettina

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