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I think I have come along way, at times i have been enraged by my husbands lack of care for me and inhability to read my mind and to show me love when I need it most, so I am trying to drop the BUT, the justification of if you would only do this I would do that, and it's becoming clear to me it's me thats got to do this in my own right if you see what I mean, I have had to learn to see my part, to take responsibility for my own needs.
So from being financially dependent upon him and emotionaly I am braking away, I have stopped all phhysical contact because it's something I am not willing to give of myself if the other things arn't in place, my husband listens to me but he doesn't hear me, I keep thinking about chosing unavailable people, I did and I think I was one too, I am considering a break from my home life to figure out who I am and who I want to be, for a large chunk of my life I have been in search of love, only thinking I knew what love was and yet not really understnading that to recieve love I would need to beable to give love in an healthy way.
I feel it is time for me to remove myself from a situation that wearies me and I think it will give me a better understanding of myself and also my husband. I used to feel mortified by these thoughts, but now I feel it is nesserserrry in order to feel complete.
Sex isn't love, i think it can be with the right person, sometimes thats the closest you get to being with someone, I need more than that i hope someone undrstands what I am talking about.
I can understand your post and I can somehow identify with your thoughts. I am almost embarrassed to write something for you, as I am quite new here ;)
I have the impression you know the answers and only you can give yourself the answers. Let me tell you a bit of my thoughts about the sexual part, from woman to woman so to say. I find it disturbing to think that sex is something that one gives, especially that it is something women just "give" as a favour or so, you know what I mean? A part of the attachment in my relationship has meant that each of us does what he or she thinks the other one wants. Ignoring my needs and looking for signs of satisfaction in him, while he does the same does not make sex fun.
Part of my detachment included taking care of my own needs in that regard. I am sparing you further details here ;) So I can figure out what I want and I need, what makes me a lot more confident to tell him those things. I am talking about plain animalistic pleasure needs here. I understand that sex is the closest thing to love in your relationship right now, is that correct? This is a complicated thought, I actually wonder where the love is in my relationship... Before we used to cuddle and snog a LOT in order to feel the love, but today... As I change more and more with Al-Anon I somehow believe that love is just there. "Love is in the air". I don't know if I have to naively trust that he loves me, if I see it in small things he says and does, or if it is in me and no matter what he does it cannot be changed.
If you come to the conclusion that what you need is an emotionally available man, that is what you need. I wish you all the strength and clarity you need in order to carry out your and your HP's decisions.
You sound pretty disenchanted in the relationship. Some spiritual fine tuning could be in order. After being in the program for a while you do sort of sense when you are just "not right" spiritually and you need to do some work there. It might not be that the whole relationship is busted and that you are totally busted....Careful not to get too down on yourself or beat yourself up. It does seem likely that you need to work on finding things that make you happy, taking time for you, and feeling more complete on your own. Those instincts are worth paying attention to.
Hi Katy, your post reminds me of the conclusion that I drew too - I gotta jump this ship. At the time I angrily filed for divorce, I got a sponsor and she brought me to an al-anon meeting like I had never been to before, it was mostly AA's (these people work a program!) During the meeting, I was amazed at the honesty and focus on self. I left that meeting completely changed, I had never seen anything like this...
On the drive home, my sponsor and I chatted, and we concluded that I had not done enough work on MYSELF to be making the monumental decision to be ending my marriage. When I got home, I approached my alcoholic husband sooo differently, I walked into the house with that meeting after-glow, and felt much more accepting of him. I withdrew the petition to divorce and became ACTIVE in my own recovery. I stopped hating him, and I began to see my own lack of substantial being.
Today I know from working HARD at my recovery - my disease is cunning, baffling and powerful, my disease willl convince me that withdrawing love is the solution. If I hadn't done the steps... particularly step 4-9, I would still be living in the problem - me and my head.
Since al-anon is spoken here, I just had to make the suggestion since you don't mention where you're at with the steps or sponsorship, please be sure to practice what we practice in al-anon first.... work the steps (which I am convinced is Higher powers work) and make yourself accountable by working closely with a sponsor. Once I made the decision to divorce, I didn't feel like I was managing my own life anymore, but rather, Higher power was.
You're going to be okay, my friend (((big hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
