The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So my A G/f and I are doing better things have clamed down some and we both can see the big picture.
But now I have ran in to a road block....
It started last week in our couples counseling. When she first joined AA and stopped drinking we both agreed that it would be best if I stopped drinking with her. So I did. Since everything has kind of blown up with us I started drinking a little on the weekends and since she wasn't living with me anymore who would know, but I was honest and up front about it. I wasn't at a bar getting drunk but I would join the neighbors for a few beers on sat night watching baseball. Either way she was upset.
She told me ,again last week, that she wasn't able to be with someone who drinks and I agreed and got rid of the booze that was in the house. When I started to talk to people about they reminded me of a few things.
While she was in class she would go out to eat after school with her classmates and when she told me where I was kind of shocked about it. Because this place is a bar that happens to also server food there. When I got upset about it she tried to justify it in every way. "my friends are only having one or two drinks" or "we just go for food", but to me and a lot of other people she was at a bar. So when I asked her to stop going there she said I was trying to control her and I didnt want her to have her freedom... Blah, blah, blah. So I gave it up.
Well now the topic of me not drinking came up and now I feel she is being very inconsistent and that there is a huge double standard. IF she feels uncomfortable with me or her family drinking then how is it consistent that she puts her self in a place that sells booze. I don't think these friends of hers will be able to understand the struggle that she has gone through because of this disease. Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way but I have seen her stuggle and I feel like she is ready to throw it way.
I haven't brought this up yet and I plan on it. Just need to find the right words.
But I guess what I am really thinking is, am I just being crazy about this or do I have a legit point. I have been told that she is not done drinking yet and that I should prepare myself for a relapse.
Maybe I'm in my head too much but I was told today that I have hit it right on the head.
That sounded a whole lot defensive George. Sounds like you were doing her script when she was drinking and she was doing yours? The roles are truely interchangable; its amazing. So many questions to be asked and solutions found for...like...if I can stand back and watch a person be taken down by a life threatening, often fatal disease and chemical and have a revulsion to it and then drink that chemical myself and want to protect and justify my using it...what am I becoming aware of?
I have physically abused my ex-addict/alcoholic wife for her using and drinking and have the experience of being in toxic shock (alcohol overdose) myself; almost dead on several occasions. What did I finally learn and why am I pleased to be a dual member in recovery?
BLAH...indeed. Keep coming back and keep and open mind...you will find help. What part of an Al-Anon meeting do you hear that read?
How is it any of your business to make comments or where she goes out to eat with friends or coworkers? Why do you keep talking about her recovery with all these other people and speculating on her relapse? That will either happen or not and it has zero to do with you. What about your recovery?
I would be mad too if someone tried to tell me where I could eat and where I couldn't. Alcohol is everywhere. As an alcoholic, I had to negotiate that and still stay on top of my program. The friggin grocery store sells alcohol. 7-11 sells alcohol. EVERY restaurant just about selsl alcohol. Recovery does not mean avoid all places where there is alcohol. It may be smart for her to avoid the old haunts she drank at, but even that is between her and her sponsor.
As far as her being mad at you for drinking - that's just as ridiculous because SHE is the one with the drinking problem. She's probably angry because you are closer to her and she is threatened and upset that you are able to drink normally and she cant. Tough crap for her. Her sponsor would probably tell her to put her big girl panties on and mind her own business about your drinking habits. Later on in recovery, a person just accepts they are different than not alcoholics and they don't begrudge anyone else drinking.
So....both of you are in early recovery in different ways and both of you are trying to control each other and intruding on each other's boundaries. Both of you should apologize and get back to working on yourselves instead of playing these games that aren't helping either of you.
Not trying to belittle you, but trying to avoid you having drama in your life that you just don't need. Also - this isn't really advice and it is suggestion just because I have been there and done the codependent games so long and in so many other relationships. It was really painful and if anything I say here can help you avoid some of that BS and wasted spiritual energy...that would be nice.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 20th of June 2012 11:33:46 AM
Out of respect for my husbands sobriety no one in our family drank in front of him , he is sober along time now and this dosent bother him at all tho most of our friends still respect his sobriety, this was a choice I made but since your not the one with the problem no one really has the right to tell you to quit . Like you going to a bar for lunch scared me half to death but my husb goes once a week and has for yrs and has managed to keep his sobriety , every one is different ,please if your not already find a Al-Anon meeting for yourself for me it is the best way to support thier efforts at sobriety and reminds me to mind my own business and take care of me .
Thanks everyone. So what I am getting so far is I am a moron. J/K
I talked to her tonight about me being so consumed with her recovery. It was a pleasant conversation and we put a lot out on the table. She told me the same thing everyone else has. That is to forget about her program and worry about my own. And I am starting to think that I'm not really mad about her going out to eat. I am just really mad that I think she it taking the ability to drink away from me. Frankly she isn't. She only worrying about herself and I understand that she wants a safe haven. I think i get that. She isn't taking anything away from me.
The codependent behavior is really killing me!! Her sobriety is very important to me, but I let it consume me so much that again I forgot about myself.
I am still trying to figure out what I my business and what is not. It really hard to not let this consume me.
If she is harping on you having a couple of beers when she isn't even around, she is trying to control you and that is codependent. You admitted your part here but you don't need to absolve her either. It's sort of reasonable if you care so much and she's in early recovery to not drink around her, but not drinking period is your decision.
In the disagreements you have it's not always going to be that you were wrong or that she was wrong. Most often it's that both of you had a part in it and sometimes it will be that neither one of you was wrong. Just keep doing your best and moving foward. At least you care and she's lucky to have that.
