The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
im the one thats doing all the contacting not him,but i do know my feelings for him arnt the same,at all i know what works for me and that is just what ive been doing by coming here posting ,meetings church havent missed a sun,staying around healthy ppl,i figure im just doing a flip flopping because its only been 2 and a half moths since i stopped all contact with him,i do know whats working for me and what never worked in the past as far as my relationship with him,im on the sidelines watching in is what i feel like im doing,ha,my hp is surely working with me,and i have faith that this talking to him on ph. wont last long cause he always messes up some how,so im keeping my distance as far as not getting invoved with him at all and staying silent ,listening to him cause i know all his crap,i know this will fade soon,but plz keep all the esh comeing i need the slogans for sure and tools ,(the stove eye is hot).hugs and more hugs,,,,,,silent
Living Proof that "It Works if ya Work It!" I Know when I Started this Program I had Know Idea what or IF it Could Help Me in My Life... I thought I was the One that Was Screwed up beyond help... With all the bad choices I had made over the years, and I was Pretty Good at Beating myself down before someone else had the chance... We Grow When we are Ready to Change Our behaviours from the way we always where... I have made some HUGE Progress since I got to Al-Anon.. And i Couldn't be More Grateful for the Love & Support it has brought into my life... And I have learned... I'm Really Not so Bad :)
Very Glad you are Taking Care of YOU... KEEP COMING BACK :)
Friends in Recovery... "One Beautiful Self Learning Day at a time" :P
Something I was told when my ex and I kept re-engaging in arguments (most via email) was "you are getting something out of this if you are continuing to do it".
It took me a long time to really get that but it's true. When we engage in a behavior we know is not helping us, we are getting something from it and unfortunately often it's something dysfunctional. For my ex when I continued to get caught up in his threats and demands and 'fight back' I was trying to get control. Control of him. I wanted him to be someone he couldn't. I thought maybe I'd say the right thing to get him to turn around and be someone better. Once I realized that was what I was getting, then I was able to look at that for just how crazy it was!
You've come so far and learned so much and I see here how aware you are now. That's something you should be very proud of and focus on. Awareness takes a lot of strength.
Aloha Silent...you're doing good and it seems still looking back over your shoulder to see if "he" is still there. If that is what is happening, practice keeping facing and moving forward and don't turn around to see how "hes" doing...God's got him and that's the best place anyone can be including in our own powerless grab. Get your addiction into the past and go grab the belt of your Higher Power and be led. Blaming yourself never worked for me except to keep me sick. How's it coming out for you? Stay on your program you've done very well in such a short time.
You know I let go of the ex A slowly. When I physically left him I had contact with him for over a year. I had one binge of going in and rescuing him, paid all his bills for about 3 months. Then I found I could let go. I felt like I had given it my all. The ex A who I was involved with had a cycle, he messed up, fixed himself up, got money, got it together then destroyed it all ina long binge. I didn't really see those patterns when I met him. Now I do. Of course I was always over reacting to those patterns too!
I have had no contact at all with the ex A for a long time now. If he calls I hang up. I have no need to know anymore. I know the disaster his life is but it isn't life/death as I imagined it was. An addict/alcoholic always has enablers around. He finds them out of the woodwork. I no longer need to know. The day when I no longer needed to know was really something I worked on. For some reason I needed to know for a long long time. Now I don't. The line I crossed wasn't accompanied by beating myself up..it occured naturally as I got real busy taking care of myself.
I feel really lucky that my exAH doesn't want contact with me, either. Makes things a lot easier. For a long time, I believed if I could just get a handle on him, on our relationship, force closure, then my life would magically fall into place. I was trying to take control over MY life by trying to control HIS disease. When I poured that energy into my own self, I found that it had much more fruitful results.
Letting go and not pining for his sick attention was tough. What did I get out of it? A challenge. An intellectual and emotional puzzle. A symbolic do-over of my childhood. Maybe some self-abuse too. It's hard to feel "good enough" in a relationship with an addict. Because you will never be enough. All of your energy, time, and "help" will never be enough. It's a dead end and I had to keep bashing my head against the wall, cramming that square peg in a round hole until it hurt enough for me to cry "uncle" and stop it.
I had to learn to let life flow. I don't believe HP intends for us to struggle to the point we lose our selves and become obsessed.
This is one post where I hear you talking about YOUR feelings and yourself instead of your ex. You are really getting there, silent...one day at a time!
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chφdron's When Things Fall Apart
Wow! I really appreciate all of these posts! Thank you Dolly Llama for stating that you were trying to take control over your life by trying to take control of his disease. That is my life in a nutshell. Very eye opening....thx!
