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Background: My father was an alcoholic until I was an early teen, I'm the oldest of 3, I'm on my 3rd marriage and my current husband is in rehab for his drinking problem...
I just got off the phone with him and I just feel completely manipulated but I think I may have been manipulating the conversation some too... And I really don't know what to do... He's been in rehab since Mother's Day and he couldn't have a cell phone, well, he just got a job today and they are letting him have his phone back. This means that I had to turn it back on. He calls from the facility phone to tell me that he got a job and now I can turn his phone back on... Wow... No hi honey, how was your day, do you need to talk about anything, are the kids and/or animals okay... just he's got a job and now he can have his phone back on... I have been paying the phone bill so it's really not an issue of money, it's that I feel like he wants me to drop everything to do what he wants, nevermind the fact that I have a 3 year old running around and she was in a very playful mood... Anyway, he called me and asked me to activate his phone. Instead of saying I can't, I'm doing other things right now, I dropped everything and activated his phone. Then we hung up. A fews hours later, I started thinking about my flexible spending account at work and how rehab is a medical expense, so... I texted him to find out how much the program is gonna cost him for 2012... and he ended up calling me because he didn't understand how the flexible spending account works... and next thing I know, we are arguing and he is pretending like he's the calm one of the bunch... and I know he started the arguement because he was talking so loud to me that his voice was echoing in my ear and he was being sarcastic to get me upset/mad but I'm so upset and frustrated I start thinking that maybe I am the one who started the arguement. We spend the better part of an hour arguing and he would haughtily stop in the middle of MY rant and calmly tell me that I was manipulating him and that I need to stop belittling him. WHAT!? He totally had me under his thumb, he was yelling at me and cussing at me and would sit quietly and listen, waiting my turn, and then I would talk and he would try to talk over me and before I knew it, I was yelling at him and he would calmly tell me how irrational I was being and that I needed to stop manipulating... told me that I just needed to work out my problems in my program and let him work out his in his. UGH!!! He wanted to make me feel like a big jerk. He even told me that he was there because that's where I want him. When I told him that was not true, that I was willing to do whatever I needed to do for my sanity and that I wasn't going to let him drink my life and my kids life away and he could go get help or find somewhere else to drink but he wasn't staying here while he did it, he turned it around and said that I keep throwing stuff in his face... He is such an unreasonable man! He even laughed at me. I hung up on him once but he called right back and I answered...
What am I doing!? I am new to Alanon (2 weeks/3 meetings total), so I haven't started any step work (I don't really know how to), I'm on chapter 8 in the book How Al-Anon Works. I hope you don't mind my venting and getting this off my chest. I actually feel better just talking about it. Thanks for listening!
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Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
I went to meetings and found a great home group then my sponsor found me and 6 months in I started my steps. You cant do it all at once. Take it one day at a time and read read read anything Al -anon. Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews was a brest read for me early on. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Aloha AmandaK...welcome to the board. Take a look at your status under your name and bask in the realization that you are newbie. You didn't get into the disease over night and you won't get out of it that way either. So you're family. We have slogans such as "Easy does It"...take it slow and take your time. We make lots of mistakes early on and continue to want to run the show ourselves forgetting that we don't know and don't know that we don't know what this thingy called Alcoholism and Addiction really are and what our part is in it.
"Keep and open mind" was gold for me...Listen and learn from those who came before me. They were the ones who were relaxed and had smiles on their faces and were happy and often came from situations much more broken than mine. These are the teachers...I am the student.
Admit you are powerless and then get out of trying to win the game. It's not a game its a fatal disease which cannot be cured and only arrested by total abstinence. My job is knowing my part on how I got here and what my part is on getting somewhere else I like being and want to be. That is what AL-Anon and also MIP does for me when I do my part.
There is lots to learn and it won't come over night. Take your time and keep coming back. Just some inside info from my experience..."They" learn all kinds of cute program ideas and sayings in rehab and they learn how to spout them out like a parrot while recovery isn't about the talk...its the walk. If he's been drinking and using for a while its gonna take him that long or longer to just "get it" before he can honestly use the word sober other than that he's a duck who thinks he's a parrot. Quack!! My alcoholic/Addict wife use to do the same throw it at me and after I found out what I learned in program it became humorous. Its okay to laugh cause its better to be happy than to be right.
I definitely used to jump for the ex A and so many people in my life. I would highly recommend getting the book People Pleasing and other books like Getting them Sober. They are real help in learning to set limits.
I had incredibly high expectations of myself when I first was willing to grasp al anon. I had had friends who swore by it for years and was completely non plussed.
I know I once had a relationship with a sober alcoholic and in some ways that was more difficult than living with an alcoholic because he would quote recovery about everything. We went to therapy at one point and he refused to give any ground at all.
Getting them Sober has some very good recommendations about expectations. When I am around an alcoholic now I expect them to be an acloholic. It took me years to get that. Somehow with Getting them Sober and this Board and working on myself I'm willing to accept that now.
Defining who is the manipulator and who is manipulated is pretty difficult. I know when I am in a crazy situation a lot of my recovery goes out of the window. So I really work pretty hard on avoiding crazy situations. I couldn't always do that and certainly my life is far from perfect.
I'm glad you are here. This Board is a real life saver.
Recovery is going to take a while for both of you. Sounds pretty volatile. Lots of hurt feelings and a history of some very toxic interactions that overlap with his drinking and some may be independent. Both of you can benefit from backing off the heated interchanges and finger pointing while you work on yourselves.
It does amaze me how people in REHAB can be screaming and barking orders and cursing at their spouses about how wrong they are and how much the problem is all theirs. Like..."Hello?? You are in rehab buddy!"
Knowing that might help you take what he says less personality. Rehabs do function like semi-prisons and him getting a new "privilege" is like a kid getting a new toy. In fact, much of his early sobriety is going to be like him growing up all over again. To that extent, it would help for you to remember it's kind of pointless arguing with someone who is like an emotionally busted 2 year old. Just because he uses big words does not mean that he is emotionally mature.
It's going to take a lot of patience for both of you to weather this change. For now, just for you to be handling your own life, the kids...all of that is HUGE!! He is fighting for his sobriety and his life. It's not fair that this makes him "not there" as a husband and father. None of it is fair and none of it is right. That is just a given. He's not going to give you proper kudos for quite some time. Alanon is there to support you while he gains coping skills and hopefully grows into a responsible adult. You can't rush him into being healthier than he is ready. You can only work on you and your own resentments, spirituality, and outlook. You can trust that your Higher Power has a plan for you and misery, fighting, fear, and anger are not part of that plan.
He totally had me under his thumb, he was yelling at me and cussing at me and would sit quietly and listen, waiting my turn, and then I would talk and he would try to talk over me and before I knew it, I was yelling at him and he would calmly tell me how irrational I was being and that I needed to stop manipulating... told me that I just needed to work out my problems in my program and let him work out his in his. UGH!!! He wanted to make me feel like a big jerk. He even told me that he was there because that's where I want him. When I told him that was not true, that I was willing to do whatever I needed to do for my sanity and that I wasn't going to let him drink my life and my kids life away and he could go get help or find somewhere else to drink but he wasn't staying here while he did it, he turned it around and said that I keep throwing stuff in his face... He is such an unreasonable man! He even laughed at me. I hung up on him once but he called right back and I answered...
I am new to Alanon (2 weeks/3 meetings total), so I haven't started any step work (I don't really know how to), I'm on chapter 8 in the book How Al-Anon Works. I hope you don't mind my venting and getting this off my chest. I actually feel better just talking about it. Thanks for listening!