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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> When is it time to give up on your relationship with the alcoholic
Post Info TOPIC: When is it time to give up on your relationship with the alcoholic
sarah1979


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When is it time to give up on your relationship with the alcoholic
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Hi guys, I could really do with some advice. Having thought I'd at least managed step one in admitting that I am powerless over my AH's alcoholism I found myself making some really silly decisions. He has started displaying a lot of dry drunk behaviour again, he's stopped his AA meetings and has been very down, having mood swings, behaving irrationally, spending days at a time in bed, he even said to me really angrily that at least when he was drinking he was having some fun. I did challenge this and asked if he thought it was fun to buy a bottle of vodka and down it between the corner shop and home? I decided to call his therapist about it. We did have an agreement with him that I could have contact with her if I had concerns, though in this occasion I did not speak to him first. I told him as Soon as I saw him, and why I had done it. After he went to therapy that week he called me about half an hour before his session was due to finish. I challenged him on why he was calling. He told me he got there early so he finished early. He was really cross with me for trying to 'micro manage' his treatment. He was right. I did admit that and apologised to him (I find it so hard to say sorry to him for my mistakes). This weekend was my birthday. he'd bought me some extravagant presents which were nice, but to be honest felt really hollow and I'd trade them in a nano second to have him well. I could feel the tension with him trying to keep things together but by Sunday he went into a complete strop and refused to get it of bed. He swore at me, called me stupid and told me to go and be with someone else. Turns out when he apologised AGAIN. (this is the classic pattern of his moody behaviour) The following morning that he had been feeling sad as it was fathers day that day and he is not a dad yet, and he had no relationship with his dad. I know that is very difficult and sad for him, that is totally understandable I just wish he could say 'I'm feeling really sad because X' but no, he says nothing, refuses to talk and them has angry outbursts where I'm all the names under the sun. Then, he expects he can just say sorry the next day and things trundle on. It's my fault he expects that's what he can do, because that's what I've let him do. I find it sad we're not parents too, but I haven't drank through our entire marriage and through my fertility treatment (which he concealed from me). That makes me quite sad! Anyway, I am just feeling totally burnt out by the whole thing. The drama, crying, sulking total insanity of the whole thing is making me feel,like my head is actually going to explode. I have told him I cannot go on living like this. I desperately want things to be different but understand incannotmmake him deal with things in a healthy way. It is so so sad. I don't know if I am being premature, but unless he seriously changes I cannot stay with him. I feel a complete failure for this, I know he is unwell. I want to detach with love and work through it, but I can only work through my side. I realise that he is responsible for his side and if he's struck in a poor me place fighting against accepting he is an alcoholic, then it will never work. I guess I've given him an ultimatum. I do mean it. It's terrifying though. I am financially dependent on him and we own property together so it would be really messy, but all I can say is, enough is enough, I've had my fill of life as it is right now. I just want to be happy. Xxx

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sarah x
Temple


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Hugs, Sarah--
You seem to be a very brave and thoughtful woman.
I hope you will take care of yourself--wherever that leads you.

Temple

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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread.  --Gray Charles

 
orchidlover


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before I could work out the end of the relationship stuff I had to do a plan be. Then I had the clarity I needed to know where my energy needed to go.  I had to suspend all the beating myself up while I looked at the plan be.  Then I implemented it one step at a time.  I am doing another sort of plan be at the moment and while the stress is far less I have to say its hard to keep at it one step at a time.

I recommend the book Getting them Sober too.

Maresie.



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orchid lover
Debilyn


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First you are NOT a failure. Being with an A can almost be impossible for many of us.

It sounds like you are at the beginning of a decision. I find the best thing to do thru experience is to make a plan. Stick money away, Think about what you could do to work, look at costs of small houses, apartments or a room in a nice place.

Look at what jobs are available. As you are proactive about putting this plan together you will feel better as you know you have an out.

Also it gives ya more time with him to think.

Please keep coming. Orchid lover is right. That book is by "Toby Rice drew volume one. It is the best.

HOpe you update and hang in!! love,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
canadianguy


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Sarah... in a nutshell, the program of Al-Anon teaches us that we learn to "get ourselves healthy", and he will either join you or not.... Either way, you're way better off in choosing recovery - for YOU - regardless of what he chooses to do or not do....  The right answers - for you - will become clear when it is the right time to make that (huge) decision...

 

Tom



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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
Bettina


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I agree with Tom, no matter what happens I hope you choose recovery. You may right now not see beyond your pain . But if we change the negative  for ourselves, we can move our life into  a positive direction . Being with a A can be a powerful force for change in our lives. Work on yourself and forget the rest , your HP will do the rest.

Keep coming back!!

Luv, Bettina



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Bettina
Pushka


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The biggest gift that alanon has given me and I've gotten many many big gifts is that I don't have to decide right this second what to do. I also have choices where I could see no other choices in the beginning. I had to get out of my own way to see I really do and did have choices.

I also echo what others have shared, going to meetings and finding healthy ways to deal with what is going on is primary for me to continue to evolve on a mental, emotional, spiritual, physical level.

You will know when you know what you want to do and you have the right to change your mind. You don't have to decide today on that today .. today choosing recovery is life changing or at least it has been for me.

Keep coming back, hugs P :)


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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Chaya


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Your post is really helpful to me. I have already left but I'm second guessing my decision. Reading your post reminds me of exactly how it was--the laying in bed, selfishness, and mood swings. Because he was sober our whole relationship I let myself believe that alcoholism wasn't really the cause of his behavior. When I finally got real with myself i could see he wasn't truly in recovery, I pictured a bottle of vodka in his hand suddenly it all made sense. Thank you for reminding me why I have left. I'm sorry that he is sick but I don't have to be.

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Love, Chaya
pinkchip


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Staying in bed for days is not dry drunk behavior. That is clinical depression. There might be some relation to alcoholism, but that level of moodiness far exceeds anything that should be going on beyond a month or two or sobriety. I would suspect a mood disorder. MANY people have underlying mood disorders that they have used alcohol to mask for years. Perhaps a psychiatrist appointment for him in addition to his therapist?

Beyond that, all the suggestions about alanon you have received are spot on of course.

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Chaya


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I didn't have laying in bed for days with my ex, but a desire to go out and do things when it was what he wanted to do and an even stronger desire to stay in bed when I asked to do something I wanted. If we made plans for me he suddenly was sick or just wanted to stay in bed and watch tv all day. He was always ready to get up and go for his plans.

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Love, Chaya
sarah1979


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Thanks for all the messages everyone. I feel I get so much support here.

Things have gone from bad to worse unfortunately. My Ah has pretty much refused to speak to me for a week now. He accepts my position that I've had enough of the way he's dealing with things, but has shown no desire to change it.
I have said to him he's not to blame for being an alcoholic or for feeling sad about bad things that have happened in his life. He does have a responsibility in how he chooses to face up to them and deal with them. I've told him I can't be around him with the way he's dealing with things at the moment and he's taken that as me saying the relationship is over. He's pushed and pushed for me to say its over. I've said that if he is just going to continue with the same attitude and behaviour I cant cope with it anymore and it will have to be over. He's being really dramatic about it. Telling friends we are separating and saying I won't get any money to support myself from him. ( I work, but moved to be with him, left my permanant job and now do temporary work so am financially dependant on him).

It's so so sad. I can't Believe he's telling people we've split when he hasn't actually sat down and talked to me about it.
I 'm swinging between thinking right this is it then and being really practical about my future to feeling so so sad and crying. This is just horrible. I hate alcoholism with a passion. It's made my husband, the love of my life, a total stranger to me.

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sarah x
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