Broken promises - disappointment is the worst - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Broken promises - disappointment is the worst

IWannaFly · Veteran Member

I think it must have been a full moon. In April I kicked out my ABF of 5 yrs on the verge of a mental breakdown feeling my life force being sucked away I mustered up the courage and did it. Then..... a month later, several heartfelt promises, pleas to come back I let him back in. Just when I was starting to be able to feel a little normal. I could sit for more than 5 mins without obsessing where he was and what he was doing. I felt the beginning of healing for a minute.

30 days later I'm here again, starting from zero. I had him leave again today. Of course he didn't want to and there was that drama. Funny thing this time I wasn't angry at him for staying out all night no idea where or with who. A friend stopped to visit me last night and it was quite embarrassing when she asked where he was at and I didn't know. Seeing the concern in her eyes and voice as she sat with me while the time ticked away and night turned to morning. It was another wake up call to the dysfunction I've been calling a relationship. Isn't it amazing when someone who doesn't live with an A shines light on what healthy and happy is supposed to be. No manipulation, no condescending names or stories how everyone elses partner is cool/understanding and I'm the uptight b*tch who doesn't know how to have a good time.

I have yet to understand what is the sick glue that holds me and draws me back with such strong force to relationships that I know are so harmful. Why do I knowingly keep hoping, believing and giving my heart to someone who only loves an inanimate object full of liquor? I do not understand that about me. I know better, I grew up and watched my parents whither to a shell of the former selves. I broke the relationship with them albeit it took a few trips to the ER with severe anxiety first, cry

I sincerely thought I was losing my soul yesterday when once again he had broken plans and promises. I'd been waiting for 5 yrs for the date he's promised, yesterday was to be that day finally, until when I woke at 8am he was already buzzed and the plans had changed in his mind. The date did not allow for the drunkenness to continue. Something broke inside of me again I thought I was going to revisit my old demons and end up in the ER with a breakdown. Don't know if you can stop the disappointment from overwhelming you. I know its silly, but I've been waiting 5 yrs for the day that was for me, for us, to pretend we are a normal couple. I guess I'll continue to wait or finally allow that dream to die??? Not sure which is worse.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

You watched your parents wither to a shell of their former selves. Lots of broken plans and promises in that statement. No wonder anxiety is just another breath away. And now, again, you are giving your love away and believing and hoping in someone who only loves alcohol.

I am grateful for your good, good friend for sitting with you and helping you through a really tough night. And you realizing that normal is normal, and disfunction is disfunction.

CDK · Senior Member

I read myself in your words, and thank you for sharing. You are not alone. Hugs.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

We go back in my experience because we are sick, we know how horrible grieving is, and possibly we have not been beaten up enough yet.

So you gave it another chance, and you found out doing the same thing again that nothing changes if nothing changes.

What are you going to do this time? YOU can change, hon you can heal up, we will support you, loved ones will too.Just becuz they are sick, we don't have to be also.

Again for me, I faced he did not love me. That has kept me away from him, my husband and friend of over forty years, reminding me, he does not love me. He is sick. I am not.

He is dying I am not. He is not the man I loved all my life, that man died.

You deserve sooo much more. He made his choice, what is yours going to be? love,debilyn

IWannaFly · Veteran Member

Thanks for all the supportive words! Everything said resonates with me. He did tell me he purposefully made his choice and did what he wanted with no regards for me this weekend, because life is amazing without me cuz I'm such a sober bore, ha! My place is just the bank roll and to help shelter him to look normal when he needs it.

I'm in my 40's and the only serious relationships I've had involved an abusive A's. I've overcome so many things including my parents ongoing addiction. I've pulled myself out of holes by my boot straps many times and I guess it's time to tackle this one too. This one = current relationship but more scarier than that is me and my "why do I do this?". Something I've avoided for yrs due to having re-live my upbringing which I'd rather keep as a bad distant memory.

He did make a choice. Now I have to choose to cut the crap and stop playing with scissors! Hopefully one day there will not be anymore self inflicted wounds to overcome.

Thanks everyone. I'm off to be courageous and get through today, preferably without obsessing! disbelief

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Wanna fly,

Im going to be honest here because I loved a man like you and all of you, with him for over 30 years. He drank for most of those years. Life was a nitemare 80% of the time. Been apart 5 years now. What did I learn ? You asked "what draws me to him time and time again.

I believe we get out of balance and start to love them more then we love ourselves. Or what we think is love. Love should be a force that helps you expand your life. In a way his disease can be your catalist to growth. We have to care about ourself so we can go to the next level or be stuck, which one do you want to be.? Our life is about developing the self. What I have learned is a good relationship can only be fostered between two strong people secure in their individuality.

Like I said before, Our happiness does not depend on their sobriety.

Take the inward journey, follow this philosophy of Alanon, grow, grow grow.

Luv, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 18th of June 2012 02:24:59 PM

Findinghope · Veteran Member

You sound incredibly brave, and I applaud how well you're able to handle your situation. I hope you're taking care of yourself in the midst of all this, it sounds incredibly stressful. Just remember to breathe, and take things one day at a time. It sounds like you're putting yourself first, and I hope the rest of your day goes well.

sarah1979 · Member

Hi everyone,

I can really relate to the broken promises thing. I have lost count of the amount of times my AH has let me down at the last minute, changed his mind or creates a drama and goes into a sulk like a child so he doesn't have to do whatever we've planned. Having been attending alanon meetings I have have moved on from the days where I would sit around the house waiting for him to decide he is out of his mood. I now try to get on with what we had planned, just on my own, or if I can with a friend. It's still a very lonely existence though. Sometimes shame stops me from contacting a friend to spend time with when I've been let down last minute. I find being the wife of an alcoholic a very lonely place to be.

Xxx

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I can very much relate. I spent years waiting for the ex A to acknowledge us as a couple. He at times referred to me as his roommate. Yeah the one who had a truck with him. Like a roommate does that?

I took it all very very personally and felt it was all about my worth. I had to realy work to detach, look at alcoholism/addiction and stop identifying that was all I was worth.

I flip flopped back and forth with for years. There were times when I certianly had the money to leave and I did things like go to a Motel for a week. He made all kinds of promises and reneged on them right away.

I hope you will stop beating youself to a pulp. I am glad you are here. You are not alone in your struggles.

maresie.

Chaya · Senior Member

Wow! Have we been dating the same guy?! : ) I've been going to alanon for a few weeks and it has really helped me get perspective on the same dysfunctional patterns that you are dealing with. I encourage you to give it a try. I had in the past but it didn't work for me until now that I am ready for change. PS--I waited 2 years for a date that never came either. Just a sim

Chaya · Senior Member

Just a simple date. I get where you are at. Hang in there.

IWannaFly · Veteran Member

Chaya - We probably have been dating the same man. I imagine someone has, all the times he never comes home till morning or for days in a row. I tell myself he's prob too drunk to cheat. You know what I mean, but they make medicine for that.

Yes just a simple date, sober date, with GOOD memories not obnoxious - hurtful drunken memories. I miss that so much! I HATE the fact he rules out 90% of things I wanna do because in his mind we would automatically have to get a hotel to pass out and spend tons of money. No such thing as a day trip and actually driving back home! Unless I drive him and end up dealing w/a drunk. I refuse tho, that doesn't even come close to resemble the date I long for. I beleive a real date is a guy actually taking care of us, even for just a few hours. Kind, god forbid slightly romantic and yes sober.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Dont under estimate the alcoholic. I use to say the same thing. He's too drunk to fool around. Who would want a drunk.

Turns out he was carrying on with a woman for 10 years off and on and who know with who else. Turns out the woman had twins and they were his. I was kind of happy when I found out, thought she would take him off my hands. She wanted him badly and of course knew he was married. When he found out the twins were his, he hated her. Doesnt have anything to do with the kids. Very sad. I found a big bag of Blue pills, about 200 of them, VIAGRA!!! Boy, it woke me up.

Just sharing an experience doesnt mean thats whats going on with your husband. Everything is revealed
when the time is right.

Best to you, Luv, Bettina

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