I soooo love your post this morning because it reminds me of how I was EXACTLY like you, and how much I have changed.

Gotta be honest here though, I didn't have the power to change myself, I didn't know HOW. But they told me, all I had to do is provide the honesty, open-mind and especially WILLINGNESS and Higher power would do the rest. It is so true, they were absolutely right.

I love how you came here to express yourself and I suggest you keep this post for yourself to compare it to your growth months from now. Because if you keep doing what you're doing... keep reaching out, keep coming back to f2f meetings especially, keep reading our literature, keep seeking Higher power... you are going to see miracles in your life. My experience is, Higher power longed to give me what I needed to heal. With purpose, of course, so that Higher power could use me to help others, something I never imagined I could do, I was so broken. But today, I sponsor two women, what a gift for someone who once couldn't speak for herself.

Back in the day, I remember being told, "just be yourself." Problem was, I just didn't KNOW MYSELF so I had to put on a mask, perhaps that's what you do at work. Deep down, I knew it was a charade, I was a fake and I felt so empty. When I first came to al-anon, I wore that mask too, wanting approval, wanting validation, just wanting to fit in somewhere. But so often would leave hating the experience, hating myself, hating life....

Later I had heard, it's totally okay for newbies to just wait. Just listen, no need to talk until I feel ready, I didn't have to fake my way through al-anon - If you can't be yourself in al-anon, where the heck CAN you be?!! haha

Let the peace of the program wash over you one day at a time, it will just happen all by itself, no stress, no strain, no "trying to change"....  just daily, persistent working of the program. People blossom and come to life in al-anon, anyone who WORKS this thing can't get around that, I have witnessed it. (And here I will add, internet-only recovery did NOT work for me, I had most success in sitting with a live fellowship. I use the internet as al-anon suggests, ONLY as a supplement.)

At a meeting last week, I began my share just being honest, I said I was so exhausted that I almost didn't come, but really glad I did, etc, etc.... A woman who's been coming for quite some time but NEVER shared before, shared after me, finally opened up to say that my honesty helps her to admit to the group that she too felt like she didn't want to come, but how desperate she is to heal and to speak as honestly as the rest of us are.  She was holding her throat and I understood why, I once had that same block of energy there, I could never speak before either, there was so much pain I couldn't speak about it before coming to al-anon. I didn't know who I was, didn't even understand what had happened in my life, to be able to express myself. Gradually vomiting up all that poison in me, all that pain, was how I cleared that block in me, so let it out. Speak about what's in there when you are ready. Once it's out, you can fill up on RECOVERY.  (Again, I had to do that with a live fellowship, the internet was just words on a page, that was my experience.) 

BE where you are, my friend. Expressing your fearfulness, confusion, whatever, is all part of healing. It's part of honest awareness, and that alone is PROGRESS.  Don't judge it as "bad" or "wrong" because condemning my imperfections never helped me to love myself more. Be gentle with yourself as you work this program persistently, and trust that the healing will come. You will discover how wonderful you are, and then attract everything you'll ever need, Higher power KNOWS we need friends to connect with, and longs to give that to us. Once you discover yourself, you will LOVE yourself, and others won't be able to resist you either. That's how it works for me ((((big hugs))))