Trying to stay in the moment... - Al-Anon Family Group

CDK · Senior Member

Trying to stay in the moment...

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

Doesn't sounds like a good friend, much lest a best one.

My opinion only.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm with Dolly, .. I can't imagine one of my friends doing or saying those things. My AH's "best friend" said some horrifically sexual things to me via text after he found out we split up. It was just so many shades of wrong it wasn't funny. I don't think that's really a friend.

Hugs P :)

CDK · Senior Member

Im feeling that way as well. I think my real struggle with the situation is that I have such a heavy history if being the victim, and convincing everyone around me that I am and most significantly, I am able to convince MYSELF. I can be quite histrionic. I never meant to, but there it is. Im trying to see things about.myself, but I dont know what is real and what is not anymore. I mean, what if she was having a bad day or so,ething? What if she presented it as a joke because she actually felt.bad after the fact and didnt know how to tell me and didnt feel she could back out of this event for charity? So confusing...

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

You're right. Their relationship is theirs and it's none of your business.

How about you find something fun to do tonight? Get your mind out of it. You could hit a meeting, too. Or just go out see a movie, treat yourself to something special - maybe a massage or a spa treatment... whatever brings you joy, just do it and don't concern yourself with your friend and your ex. They're taking care of themselves, so it's high time you take care of yourself.

In regards to someone trying to drag me into their own personal relationships with others, I've had to say politely in the past that I'd rather not hear it. My mother once tried to talk to me about how she was unhappy with something my dad did and my brother and I just said to her politely, "Mom, I think this is something you should share with your sponsor, not me. This is none of my business." (My mom's in Al-Anon, too.)

I suspect your friend is feeling guilty and defensive about hanging around your ex so it's coming out at you the way it is. That's her junk to deal with, though, not yours, although she's trying to drop it all in your lap and make you responsible.

Just ask yourself, what can you do today to be loving to yourself. What does that look like?

jorjorjor · Veteran Member

I agree with aloha. i totally have problems with identifying as the victim all the time and seeing everyone as trying to do me wrong. This is what happens to us from having been affected by the family disease of alcoholism.

To help me deal with stuff like this, which I experience a lot, I think about people who love and respect me and treat me well. I remember positive things that people have done for me because they love me. I spend ten minutes a day, three times a day, writing nice things about myself so i can start to get used to having a positive evaluation of myself. its hard to change our habits but i find its working and i see myself as a victim less, though its taken months to crack it just a little bit. Hey, we´re talking about changing a lifetime of behavior here!

You deserve to be treated well and respected and loved. There are people we let into our lives who don´t do this. Thats their bad. If we continue to allow them to be in our lives in the same way or we don´t address their behavior in a healthy way, thats our bad.

CDK · Senior Member

Thank you everyone. Im kind of viewing this as a first real hurdle of trying to live my life differently. I have no reason to believe she got jiup that day, and decided to hurt my feelings. She took it upon herself to find a performance art group for a charity event. And she was gifted in life to have a very clear sense of herself and an intact sense of self worth. She probably didnt give a rat's tail if it hurt my feelings because it was between the two of them. It probably didnt even occur to her because it probably wouldnt have even given her pause if the situation was reversed. To her a jerk is a jerk is a jerk and he was a jerk to me so I should feel like "Yay! Good riddance!" I wonder what iy is like to be like that...

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

CDK it sounds to me like she is your friend, however she has NO idea how hurtful an addicts disease can be to one who was partnered to them.

A's need to be accepted too. I mean really it's no reflection on her love for you for her to cont. to be his friend. You are two separate people.

She can laugh how he wants to restock his booze, becuz it does not affect her. We all strive to learn how to accept the A as is.

See to us until we learn how to accept the A disease, if he said that its another slice in our arm. We allow it to be personal and hurt us.

Instead we can think, well thats your thing! I would rather buy another pot bellied pig....well uno. smile

Honey you are soooooo very young in your grieving the loss. It is hard.

But I hope you can forgive her ignorance to how you feel. Sounds like you need to go sit somewhere and eat mexican food and you tell her how it feels for you. She does not have to change anything, but you need her to know. Maybe suggest some boundaries as far as her relating what he says or does etc.

When I had to not be with my ex AH I didn't give it a thought if our friends were still friends with him. In a way I would hope they would. he is very sick, he needs love too. I just could not live with the physical abuse. Well would not. I called and told his family how abusive he was and how it starts. They didn't listen of course, next thing they knew he was pushing his tiny little mother around!

Anyway I hope this helps you to see this in a different way. I just want my friends to love me if they do,I have no right to tell them what to do about anything. But I can tell them how I feel.

hugs,debilyn

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Early in recovery, my sponsor taught me to pray with my hands held open. To let God take from me what needed to be taken, and to bring to me what was best for me....

seemed like God took until there was nothing left to take, and my faith became real shakey. With relationships, most of our friends were his anyway, fellow drinkers, so I never saw them again. Within my own family, there is still heavy support for him from the fellow drinkers, which doesn't really surprise me, alcoholics need each other as enablers.

So, coming into recovery, all of my relationships had changed. And while it hurt very much at the time, and felt like my whole life was falling apart, looking back, I can say with absolute certainty and tremendous gratitude, that God was actually putting my life together. God could not do that until I was willing to let go of the old.

Have faith, my friend. I made all new friends, the best, most trust-worthy people on the planet. I had prayed for more peace in my life and left it to God to work that out for me, and I am soooo blessed with what has been delivered. I'm not special, it seems to happen for everyone who works at this program, so hang in there. Give yourself lots of love, choose to do things that make you FEEL GOOD, make that list. And then put your focus and energy on that.

(((((big hugs)))))

-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 16th of June 2012 02:47:01 PM

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow that is a tough one. I know some people who I thought were best friends weren't at certain points. Sometimes when we are in need, people can't come through for us. Some people enjoy intrigue and it seems to go along with the disease of alcoholism.

I know when I left one boyfriend his friends seemed to enjoy telling me when he found someone new. I have had to adjust my expectations a lot. Sometimes that helps cushion a fall.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.