The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I am in a long distance relationship with someone who is coming to visit me on Saturday! I'm totally stoked but...
They have made other plans while they are here to see other friends of theres, and emailed me a very detailed schedule of when they are and aren't available. It bummed me out because we don't get to see each other much and she's only here for a week...I had asked her to stay longer but she didn't wanna be away from her home for long...i get that and support her but then why book up her time when she's here?!
It makes me want to detach, and I'm cool with that, I'm not trying to change her behavior. My attitude is like "she's giving me this level of commitment, so i'm going to recalibrate to match that." doesn't mean i'm not sad, though.
I'm scared to bring it up cuz I don't wanna make a big deal and the just for today card suggestes not sharing hurt feelings at times...I mean we have the opportunity to enjoy our time together, but will it be heavy and a bummer if i bring this up?
At the same time i wanna be honest with my sweetie!
On the bright side, thanks to al anon, this relationship can shift, not necessarily have to break, and I don't feel too wrapped up in this.
I can understand your disappointment. I always remember to examine my motives before I engage and then say what I mean and mean what I say and not say it mean, I do believe that the way you expressed your feelings here, about the amount of time you have to spend with your friend and how you would like more is an acceptable way to express this to your friend.
Remember the issue is trying to spend more time together and not "Why" she scheduled her time the way she did
thanks for reading. I think i have been living in fear lately as a result of being away from meetings! it feels good to reach out and find serenity again. phew!
Examining your motives also includes whether or not you are "settling" in your relationship. If you want more of a committment that is not a "wrong" motive. It's what you want and you will continue to be resentful when you don't get it. If you are truly okay with distance and less commitment, then your actions may be different and acceptance would be more useful than communicating that you want something you aren't getting. Of course, if the other person is not open to giving more, you have to be ready for that response.
It did take me a while to recognize that I didn't have to settle in relationships for things I didn't want. I also recognized that there may be wonderful and great people out there that I date or come into contact with, but that doesn't make them wonderful and great relationship material for me.
Without details of the "booked" level, I know for me when I visit "home" I have so many friends and relatives in my hometown and I have to try and work it all out, it's stressful to try and coordinate sometimes. I have several friends who feel I ignore them when I go there but that's not the case at all.
Thats just perspective from someone who has a tendency to do the same. It's not that I dont want more time with each person there, it's just that it's hard to do.
As far as taking more time - I can't answer for that one either. I've got pets here, kids who need to feel "grounded" and are often cranky and hard to please after even 3 days away from home, plus work, etc. But again I don't need or have the details so I think probably just discussing it with the open mind that it may not be what you think?
Ye i agree with you alot a stronger me. I´v done a lot of perspective shifting in this relationship with the help of al anon.
The larger issue here for me is applying fear instead of excitement, and letting fear guide me. its easier to keep fear at bay and let my higher power (love, excitement, trust, respect, fulfillment, fun, happiness, etc.) with the help of this forum!
I am experiencing something similar. For 25 years I have wanted my husband to spend more time with me and our children, but there were other priorities he had (substance abuse, work, etc). I thought that when he went into recovery, after the initial frenzy died down, we would be more of a priority..not so. Now that our children are grown, and he continues to find other activities to fulfill his needs, I am realizing, this is it and may never change. I have done a good job expressing my needs, saying the right things at the right time, seeing a shift in him for a period of time, then witnessing his more subtle addictions take over (need for attention from others, work, etc). I struggle not to let my addictive thoughts take over. So, one day at a time, I am trying to be in the moment, be aware of and accept my feelings and take the action I need to make myself whole and happy. It is a struggle not to project into the future and awfulize...ugh. Right now I am going to a yoga class!
Thanks for you share, it helped me to not feel so alone.
