On cloud 9 till lighting striked again! but I got up! Just want you guys to hear my battle - Al-Anon Family Group

Julie3310 · Veteran Member

On cloud 9 till lighting striked again! but I got up! Just want you guys to hear my battle

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh boy, I know those feelings so well! But you did awesome. You didn't fall for his lies and your alarm went off right away when he mentioned the money. He was trying to suck you back in (and get money out of you) and you stayed clear! That kind of detachment is what we're all aiming at!

I think it hurts so much when this happens because normally the painful relationship is in the past, even if it's not very long ago. But we're moving forward and taking care of our lives. And when we talked to them, it's in the present again. The whole total of pain and disappointment is right there with us. We feel it all over again.

Such a strong call to take care of ourselves! Thank goodness you are no longer stuck in that terrible situation trying to get bread from that hardware store! (Or really it's more like trying to get bread from a patch of burning quicksand!)

I hope you can take extra good care of yourself today. A meeting? Some time with your favorite music? Take good care!

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Really great job, pat yourself on the back there. It's hard to break away and it will take time. Give yourself a break! Sounds like you need some down time to process the feelings. Go cry in the shower, bath by candle light, read a book, put some soft music on, whatever feeds your soul.

Hugs!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I am very vulnerable around alcoholics. I do not engage too much anymore. I have had to look for red flags and set a lot of boundaries. Sounds like you have the boundaries now.

Good for you!

Maresie.

Julie3310 · Veteran Member

It just hurts sooo much bc I wish I could fix it. I wish I could go see him right now and everything can be calm and cool like a real friend doesnt even have to be a relationship. He cant understand that i need space and I need to be alone. He thinks im giving up on him and by him thinking that he gives up on me and thinks i never really cared or loved.

The woman on the phone said he needs a friend he really needs someone and as a co-dependent person like myself thats a trigger bc those are words that would make a CoDA person go help that person. She said he is really in a bad situation. But where was i when he was swimming at the beach with his baby mama and lied to me. When was he when I gave him the chance to see me and hang out and he had me drop him off and give him money instead.

The trigger of asking for money alone even with all the love and hugs he would give me if i saw him automatically makes me stop at these red signs. The words he feeds me is what makes me weak.

I have gotten wiser with the manipulation bc he is the king of reversing it and putting it on me but when he uses things like fine, im moving on im done, thats when i regret and go back into it with him bc I am afraid to lose that security.

So many friends are rooting for me and happy for me, i am soo energetic at work and i am working really hard to keep it up. I dont think i could afford to forgive him again. He has told me many times he was going to rehab and never had. where the hell did he find these 2 people he is staying with and letting him use their truck.

I cant believe anything he says and i want to so bad. the worst part is that dealing with his baby mama was the hardest of it, over the drugs and all bc he gave the love i yearned for to her as well. And he always made me look bad and did the same to her.

Do you guys think that even with help a manipulator, cheater, liar, abuser and user can get rid of all the attributes? like be clean but become a saint and dream guy?

I really dont want him to change but thats my hate towards him.

Lucy 333 · Member

I have a wonderful friend who did choose to stop drinking and has been sober for many years now, its very possible but I would be staying clear of someone who keeps using you're compassion and love against you. I was married to an A years ago and at one point I had enough and told him to leave, he did but he was on my doorstep three days in a row drunk begging me to take him back. There was no judgement on my part but I definetly was done with that chapter. Now, 20 yrs later, I am in a 9 yr relationship with another A. It seemed I had learned nothing the first go around. I have again turned off my emotions but now in a healthy detached way. I have learned to recognize when he is manipulating and stand up to him. He is running out of money because he drinks and won't work. I have made it clear, the bills are paid equally and no way am I paying any portion of his so he can afford beer. We will lose the house soon as he's running out of inheritance money and it really doesn't matter if I help or not, he is going to be broke one day and why would I let him drag me down too? I have small moments of guilt and then I look at the reciept for empty beer cans for 685.00 that the bottle depot actually came and picked up and I feel nothing but sadness. He doesn't care I would have had a house paid off by now had we not gotten together, instead our house has so much damage from his rampades nobody would buy it without tons of work to it. Have you ever gotten a bottle depot to pickup? 570 cases, they will, took him about 14 months to drink that. I am shocked he's still alive. They waste no emotions on us, I figure until they need money or something else. I can do that too, he's a great guy when sober, so I will give it a little more time but I don't want to be stuck here when I am 60, thats only 8yrs away.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Clearly some people do change -- but only when their lives have gotten so bad that they are in great pain. And even then most people don't. People who work a program can change. People who keep saying they're going to go into recovery and then never do, can't.

So, say, there's a small chance -- let's be generous and say 5% -- that thirty years down the road, after a whole heck of a lot of recovery and effort, he'll be less manipulative, dishonest, and dysfunctional. (Because change never happens overnight, does it? Or else we'd all be in a great space.) In thirty years, after he's changed, if he's changed, maybe it wouldn't be quite so dangerous to be in touch with him again.

But what I always did was to stick with the person before they changed, waiting for that 30-year process to begin. Needless to say, it never did. The proof is in the pudding, they say. In other words, if he's not in recovery, and he's still trying the same old lines, then there's the real answer. Not "Could he change?" but "Is he interested in changing?" I think if he were interested, you'd have seen signs already.

Keep on taking good care of yourself!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I could not agree more with what Mattie just wrote there. Even being in AA, there's a very small portion of folks that make it to lasting sobriety and amongst those folks it still takes a lot of work to work on all the personality issues underlying the sickness of addiction. From everything you have mentioned, he is definitely not in that 5 percent mattie just mentioned.

Jadie · Veteran Member

Well done for not falling for it! Its the disease talking of course. Its wasted energy to engage, I used up so many resources on this insanity when I would have been better fixing myself. I am truly powerless over this disease. Nothing comes overnight, Ive really had to embrace Al-anon day at a time to get me to this point.

Picking up calls, engaging etc etc just keeps the focus on the disease, enabling it to fester.

Yes were sorry theyre like this, but always remember, no matter what they say we didnt cause it, we cant control it & we cant cure (fix) it.

We only have one life

To thine own self be true

Take back the power.

((((hugs))))

Jadie

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Julie A's mostly active ones,have nothing to give, they only take. The disease makes them this way, or they were always takers.

My question to myself would be, what makes me answer the phone, and/or soon as you know it is him what makes me stay on?

There was someone else who just posted something like this. It's part of our path of learning. Why does one step right back into the poison oak, just after they healed up from it?

Do you want to feel good? OR do you want to be infected again.

When we face all the disease wants to do is suck us dry, take take take, does not love us, and will do something to hurt us when we say no to them, we stop.

I used to ask people ok have you been beaten up enough yet?

We are like the A in some ways, we step into it until we finally "get" what is getting where we hurt, and change it.

You are starting to get it, I see progress!!! hugs hon, debilyn

Julie3310 · Veteran Member

I dont know why i do it. I tell him I am trying to heal without him. He called me again and just like you mentioned i stayed on the phone. he said he was on the way to my house bc he needed money and this man was crying for the money bc he said he needed food. I dont believe him at all and the fear of him coming to my house right now is terrifying. I told him I cant do this and I hate myself for touching the poison ivy again. Its like seeing a ivy tree that looks different but it isnt. I thought i was strong enough mentally but i realize i am not and still fragile just by entertaining him. The fear i have for him is even stronger. I know i could do this. I just want to burn down that bush so bad.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I would call the police if he shows up.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It takes practice at learning how to set boundaries, and A's will test them again and again until they see we really mean it. You say "I tell him I am trying to heal without him" and "I told him I cant do this" and he hears "She's trying to convince me but all I have to do is be stronger than she is and I'll get my way." Remember that you don't have to convince him to see your point of view or that you should be left in peace. All you have to convince him is that no matter how many times he tries to manipulate you, you're going to say "No." As the saying is, "'No' is a complete sentence." I think we need as much practice saying it as they need practice hearing it!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Go ahead and cry, be sad, feel whatever you feel and know that you can hold all of these feelings simultaneously and it is ok. Be aware of your feelings, accept them and take the right action for YOU.

Things get easier for me when I remember that my addict husband is MY addiction.

HUGS to you

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