The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK, So... I have Been Battling a "Trust" issue, and Everytime it is Brought Up I Find myself slipping back to Old habits of Judgement, Control... Now I have been Working My Program the Best I Can Squeeze into the Crazy Schedule I Call life, and I have been Asking HP to Show Me how to Forgive Those Worthy of Forgivness... How to Let Go of this Very Deep Issue, I'm Still Sitting in the "Once Bitten Twice Shy" Mode... I Have Stayed in Kindness but at times I think for the Wrong Reasons.
For Me when Trust is Broken, the Scars run Deep..(Which Im Sure Comes from Being Raised ACOA) With all the Broken Promises, Lack of Loving Relationships, Lack of Confidense, & Desiring Trust & Love..And when that Bound is Broken My Heart Weighs Heavy, and I Can Own My Part because I know I have More then One, But I Try Owning theirs as well..I Find I Don't Trust Myself in thier presents. Trust for me is HUGE... And Something I have always Strived to be was a Honest, Trust Worthy Person..Treat Others As I Care to be Treated.... And At times I Think My Honesty may even come on too strong, but Im OK Not having Secrets... I am OK telling it all, because I Accept My Past, and My Future, and I'm No Longer Bound to the Shame I Once Carried for So Long...
Now I Can ALWAYS "Fake it till I Make it" But... I Don't 'Fake' Well... Because under that "Fake" Persona I Sit in Anxiety, Resentment, and at times Fear of When I Will Let that All Out! But More Erupt... When I get to this Place, I find it doesn't just effect my relationships with the Broken trust, but also with all that come in contact with it...Then Its More Restentments & More Judgement...
I have Learned "THINK" and always Ask Myself IS IT? True, Honest, Important, Necessary, or Kind... Before I Engage but then i question if I should have been so Kind, so Honest, so ME! As One of My Dear Program Friends Always Says... "The Hampsters in My head Just Start Runnin on the Wheel, & I at times Can't Stop them!"
I have Many times Questioned My Own Recovery, Questioned if this is Truly My Path, or If I am On it for Other Reasons... I Can't Find all the Answers at Once, Nor do I want to know them all... But I know that Coming Here, Sharing with you all, and Hearing Your Struggles, Your Triumphs, Your ESH on Your Journey thru some Not so easy Times, I know I feel Faith & Trust that this too Shall Pass... It just Always Seems I Would LIke to Control when that Would be, and HP is Constantly Reminding me, Im Just Not There Yet..Patience (Which I don't have often) . But i am Def. A Work in Progress...
I have Seen So Much Growth with Myself, My Inner Child, My Marriage, and Being the Better Mom, Wonderful things have come to me Thanks to my Recovery & Discovery of ME... But as soon as I have to Venture Beyond My Confort Zone, I Find myself in Constant Struggles... And I have a Pretty Amazing Recovery Family Here & at F2F and I have Comfort Zones with a Few, but I Still have Walls for Some that are UnJustified... Walls I Put up in Fear of what they may bring to my life, Fear of Not being Myself in trying to Control Yet another Relationship... So I Keep them at a Semi Safe Distance, and Only Engage when the Moment Calls...
I Guess one of My Constant Battles is the Confusion of it all... Trying to Find the Truth Out of all the Fabricated Lies i was Brought up on... Its a Struggle for me, When I hand Someone or Something My Trust, it is with Whole Heart, it is without Fear... But when it crumbles or gets misplaced, even for a little while, or a little thing... I Sit in my Bubble as to Not Let it happen again... And the Walls Continue to Grow...
Any ESH is Good ESH... Thanks for Being Here...Thanks for Letting Me Share ....
Something someone recently shared was "qualified trust", learning who I could trust with what is a REALLY big deal.
Trusting someone who has never shown themselves to be trustworthy is kind of setting them up as well as myself in a big SEE I TOLD YOU SO way.
Trusting someone with what they CAN give to me I can live with that idea. I'm not setting them up, .. I'm not setting myself up either.
I'm so happy to read your post!! I have missed you my friend.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
For me, i am recently starting to understand that at times, my trust is linked to my expectations
For example; i put trust in my husband before i married him. I trusted him with everything in me. He had stopped smoking ina constant manner. I trusted that would continue. It turned out i was wrong. My expectation was that his hanits as they currently were would continue. I guess my trust was mis
(sorry, small iphone big fingers)
Misplaced in the sense that i trusted my expectations, not his reality.
Im not sure ifni am making myself very clear but i guess im trying to say that sometimes my trust equals my own expectations
I put my values onto others. When they are not met then i feel my trust has been beaten.
Hope that makes sense. Imput a post up a while ago titled "the first person i couldnt trust... Was me"
I too Missed You" and appreciate your message. I agree, Honesty and Trust were huge issues for me as well .
Before program , my walls were up for everyone except the "Very Few Chosen Ones"
I found when I worked the Steps and truly turned my will and life over in the 3 through 12 Step that I had been given the gift of "Trust".
Once I truly trusted HP,then I found that I could let down my walls, and let people in. It was possible because I could Trust myself.
I had new tools in which to live by. I could say what I mean and mean, what I say without being mean. I no longer needed to "People Please, nor disappear in an encounter, I could stay where my feet were and live one day at a time.
I found that I do not have to give everyone unconditional trust and that I can trust my intuition
You are growing and your recovery is so inspirational
I think for me it was not so much about trusting others it was about learning to trust myself. If I have a nagging doubt around certain people I do indeed set boundaries.
I've been a master idiot at people pleasing. In the store I work iin I was a people pleaser, ready to do anything. They walked all over me. I got nothing. Other people beat me to the punch on getting what they wanted. Now I have set limits and mandates I get less credos but get more of what I want and need. Kindness has to be very carefully distributed.
I am far less willing to go out on a limb anymore. When I do I see it as a red flag. I know when my buttons are pushed.
I'm glad you are questioning these things. Self doubt was crippling for me for such a long time. That accompanied by panic, self hate and fear were so hard for me to get through.
Thank You... "Qualified Trust" For Me Sometimes I do get the "See I told you So" and with Some Relationships I believe that is where I am, Once bitten Twice shy and Fearful of being right back to square one in the Relationship of No Trust... But I haven't Given up, and Im Trying... And Just knowing I Wont Quit till I Find a Comfort zone Shows me I'm Tryin to say the least... If it Don't Come, Well ... I'm Accepting of that as well... Sometimes My Patience on HP's Work is the Hardest Lessons to Learn... Thank You for Your Kindness... And its Sure is Nice to be Back... :)
((((Oksie))))
YES... EXPECTATIONS.... Its Funny Because When I have Done for Others, I Never Felt Like I had "Expectation" from them... But the More I work My Program and get HONEST with myself the More I Realize that Expectations is ALOT of My Dismay...There are So Many around me that Feel the World Owes them Something, and I Guess I am apart of that as well (When I Put My Expectations on Them).. I Completely understand what you are saying & thanks for Posting... Sometimes when I can't Figure something Out it is ALWAYS Great to have Other Avenues that I May not have been able to come up with right away ... SO Thank You ... & LOL about the Phone... I can Barely Type on a Full Keyboard... SO You are already more talented then me...lol...
((((((((Hotrod))))))))
THANK YOU...And as Always You are Correct... I Hand it Over & then I Steal it Back... And I Guess I Like the Idea of Living in a "Perfect" world where when someone Gives you thier Word, that it is True and without Judgement or Conviction... I know on the Outside this is not always the case, but when i am Moving thru the Motions... My Heart Truly wants them to be Someone They are Not... And i Guess that is apart of learning to hand them Over to "Their" HP just as I do my Own Insecurity's... Sometimes I Get wrapped around the "Thought Of" a Perfect World... You would think My Imagination would step down a Peg after all this disease has Handed me... But for Sure... i have Plenty of Work to do on this Subject, and i do Trust that HP Will Lead me thru it One Moment at a time... As Soon as I Can Learn Myself to TRUST HP First n without question... Thank You ALWAYS for Being Here... You have Helped Me thru Some Much... And i am Forever Grateful for Your Kindness, Your ESH, and Your Journey ....
((((Orchid Lover))))
"I think for me it was not so much about trusting others it was about learning to trust myself. If I have a nagging doubt around certain people I do indeed set boundaries."
I Do Struggle at times myself with "Trusting ME!" I think I Feel with some Relationships that My Judgement was what Put me in this spot to begin with, Not Knowing How to Set the "correct" boundry's for some People, so I don't always Trust myself... and just Accepting that some Aren't to be trusted regardless of how bad I desire it... I'm So Grateful for all INPUT & ESH... It opens me up to new Ideas to Help overcome my hurdles... I'm Grateful for all...
