The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My partner decided to get give up the alcohol about 4 weeks ago, Said he would get help by going to AA meetings, couselling etc. Still to this day he has made no effort to get the help, making any phone calls or going to AA groups. I asked him twice in the last 4 weeks if he has rang to book an appt and he just says he forgets. I have now given up asking.
A few days ago he didnt come home and said he was staying at his place even though he stays at my house every night. I rang him later that night and he sounded very drunk. He tried to tell me it was the fumes from araldite glue which caused him to go abit funny (saying it lasted 4-5 hours) i have used araldite many times to glue my shoes or my kids shoes back together. He has never admitted to drinking but i am convinced it wasnt due to the fumes of the glue.
Today he has been looking for all excused to stay at his house tonight, My anxiety is playing up really bad because i have a bad gut feeling he is just going home to drink.
Some of the best guidance I have received is to keep the focus on me. Alcoholics/addicts not in a recovery program are cons (even in recovery programs they relapse into those patterns of conning). Your mind is in a crazy state right now (that was hard for me to hear but it was so true), so get to al anon meetings, start to hear sane people, get yourself sane and enjoy the heck out of your life!
There are many angels on this site that are here to help, you are never alone. Let others walk with you through this scary time.
I agree....try and keep that focus on you. If there is anything good I can see in your situation it would be that the A has somewhere else he can stay while he is doing his drinking. You know what he is doing when he stays there so try and go on with your life. No sense in even asking him what he is doing....you already know, right? When we constantly ask the A and he constantly has to lie (which his disease has to) just makes the A feel more guilty and then more to drink to get rid of that guilt.
I was always told not to ask my A a question I already know the answer to.....
Wishing you serenity and peace especially during those times your A stays at his place.
I can sympathize very much with what you're going through. I've found myself in a similar situation. All I can tell you is that I've found a lot of relief in seeking out meetings and readings in Alanon. It's helped me realize that I'm not alone with this, and this problem isn't mine to fix. It's helped me (slowly) learn how to put myself first. I'm not quite there yet, but I have a better idea of how to do it now. My AH and I are in the throes of the disease right now, and I don't know what path he's going to take in terms of his recovery. But I know that I'm at least feeling some peace for that hour-long Alanon meeting I go to, and that's what is helping me right now. I also downloaded a lot of Alanon speaker's podcasts from ITunes, and I play that in my car on my way too and from work, or listen to it at work if I'm feelign especially anxious.
I don't know if this will help at all, but I found some temporary relief doing all this, and as I get myself ready to start gettign into recovery myself. Alcoholism is an awful disease, and I'm just starting to see how it's affected me my whole life. (My father was a lifelong alcoholic who never acknowledged his drinking was a problem, and that left me with a lot of scars).
I don't have any of the self doubt I had for years. If I feel like someone is drinking, slurred words, unsteady gait, I honor it.
For me drinking is a red flag, my boundaries change. In the past drinking was a way for me to save them and show them how much I cared. These days I do my caring from a distance.
Of course there is panic, fear and anger when you realize someone drinks. There is also a certainty that goes with it, so this is the problem.
For decades people in al anon have been dealing with this issue, so there is much wisdom, companionship and more here. You can get a lot from al anon including just being where you are until you are ready to change.
Thanks for sharing. That sounds like an extremely rough situation.
I would encourage you to get to as many al anon meetings as feels good. We all go through this same stuff in different ways, and you will hear all sorts of people with similar experiences.
Also, make sure your taking care of yourself. For me this means eating and sleeping enough, having people who respect me present in my life and knowing whats going on with me, getting exercise.
You have every right to be happy and respected and loved.
