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Hello everyone. I am so freaking happy to be here. This is my first post and I just need to be really honest and up front about my defects. I have been in alanon for about a year now and attend 2 meetings a week. I have been able to find great support in the program but am coming up against a block. Here is what is going on for me:
I don't trust people.
I look for the negative in others.
I think I feel like I am better than some of them in the group-just to deceive myself into thinking that will make me "safe". Finding fault in everyone and pushing them away.
I feel as if I do not fit in in the rooms and interacting with others in general. I am very introverted so it's hard to branch out.
I am young and a couple of the older ladies in the groups seem to be jealous of my beauty (I know that sounds terrible to say but it is true) All the others in the group are pretty old and cannot relate to much of what my life consists of-they talk about their cats and medications when we go to coffee afterwards.
I can't find a sponsor because they all seem "too hard and too detached" or mentally ill.
I always want to look like I have it all together and yet I am really struggling.
So you see-the problem must lie within me. I think I have been in denial about myself. I hate admitting my faults in front of others. I have felt like crap about myself for my whole life and now in the meetings I am suppost to talk about how messed up I am? That scares the crap out of me.
I don't know how to put principals above personalities in my group since there is a really annoying judgmental lady there.
I attract people who call me to vent their problems (one lady from alanon is calling me to gossip about someone else in the meetings and I feel drained and annoyed that she is not being true to the program-she is a vetran).
So as you can see how messed up I am by what I wrote but I felt like I need to be honest. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me but I am ready to put my ego aside but am scared (edit) to do it! I don't know what to do.
I sometimes say to myself "I am powerless" and then I take it back and think that I can work my way out of the issue my brain is in but all it does is spin....freakin spin.
I just read over my post and got a good laugh at myself...maybe some of you will too! hahahaha I must be a MESS! ;D
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 12th of June 2012 09:28:49 PM
If you're a crazy mess, then so am I. This sounds similar to my experiences, and its a hard road for all on it. I however have never been the pretty one in the room, but have heard thats not as easy as it looks either. No pun intended. Blessings sent you're way sweety!
-- Edited by Lucy 333 on Tuesday 12th of June 2012 10:00:43 PM
In early recovery, I was quite the crap-sniffer, I was either "better than" or "less than" everyone I met, just give me a moment to size it up. I judged hair color, clothes, cars, you know, all that really important stuff. Sometimes I passed on a meeting too, didnt care for the discomfort.
It helps me to remember that the word tormentor also has the word "mentor" in it, meaning, this person has something to teach me. Since nothing in God's world happens by mistake, I figure God uses people and experiences to mould me, quite often, to hold a mirror for me so I can see MYSELF... that's how it works for me.
My disease wants to separate me from Higher power/the Truth/ recovery, etc. etc. And when I BELIEVE crap like that, it has been very successful. When my disease got me alone in isolation, believing lies like that, I was in real trouble.
I did continue going to the local meetings, I had nowhere else to go. They told me to try to IDENTIFY with everyone, rather than COMPARE, to trust Higher power, who only created "equals."
I'm glad you're here, Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 12th of June 2012 10:12:05 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Welcome to the boards!! I can sort of relate and am one of the youngest in my Al Anon group. Have you thought of trying out some other meetings to find younger folks? I attended a Friday night meeting and saw some younger people in there.
Have you thought about counseling for your issues?
I have the opposite problem than you, LOL! I trust people with too much information too soon. I am too trusting and let myself get taken advantage of frequently. I always see the positive in EVERYONE first.
I know you said that you always want to look like you have it all together, but who are you fooling? I finally realized that I was welcomed in the rooms of Al Anon even when I went in sweat pants and ratty hair, no makeup, etc. I remember realizing that no one made any looks like, "Gee, Bonnie looks disheveled today." Nothing. I am who I am and some days I am OK just being sloppy although most days you won't ever see me without makeup, LOL!
You are not a mess, you are a human being who thinks how she thinks and has thoughts and feelings that are her own. The question is: are you OK with you? If not, then you can take steps to fix that. Find a new group, getting some good counseling, journaling, and communing with your Higher Power can lead to enlightenment for you but it won't happen overnight. I've been in Al Anon for almost 6 months and I still don't have a sponsor. I need to find a new meeting because I've asked 6 people so far. Oh well, it will happen when it happens, right?!
You do not sound too messed up to me. Take off the ego and jump in, the water's fine
I see acceptance, awareness and growth in your post. It is only by testing the waters that we start to trust our own ability to choose the people who will help to further our program and growth. Detaching from the negative aspects and focusing on the examples of people who have found serenity in meetings helped me alot. One of my first meetings were with a very small group of much older than I women and I felt that maybe my situation would not be understood due to the multiple addictions my exAH had but they knew ... from living it. They just had more practice with working it than I did. I was able to compare my thoughts of not believing they would understand in the same category of every generation believing they invented sex while never thinking about the fact that they would not be here if that were true.
Welcome... one of the very biggest things with Al-Anon, for myself and thousands of others before and after me..... is that it is one of the few places in the world where we can be 'brutally honest' with ourselves, defects and all.... and live to talk about it (and aren't judged, and don't die of embarrassment, etc). One of the scariest things about our program is that it is eerily similar to AA (yikes!), in that - we don't get better until we humble ourselves....
Glad you found us, and glad you shared..... Your post brought back a lot of memories for me - I was also quite full of myself when I entered Al-Anon... thought I was smarter than, better than, etc..... Boy, was I ever wrong, and Al-Anon has helped me realize that I am NO better (or worse) than anyone else.
Keep coming back, and keep going to meetings... we'll really like the "real" hope4ever as she reveals herself to us (and to herself)
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
A huge portion of folks are held together "out there in society" but feel or are as broken as you say you are. You aren't alone. Keep sharing and getting honest and things will evolve.
I can relate to feeling like people can't relate. I went to a small local meeting this past week. It was me & 4 ladies in their 60's. I'm a man in my 30's & I rode in on a Harley. The first half of the meeting I was examining these people wondering how we could relate to each other. I have a bout 5 months & the newest member there had 14 years in Alanon!
We read from the daily books & there was some talking about the local town celebration & this person & that person. One of the readings was about opening up at meeting & the fear of attending the first meeting. I took this opportunity to share & they came alive. They had been there YEARS before me. I think they were used to continuing where they had left off the week before & I brought them back to when they started. They offered a lot of support & I ended up getting a lot out of the meeting from 4 people so very different from me. I think sometimes it is my challenge to bring out their experience to help me. I think they were glad I was there to remind them of where they started.
Now I don't think this will become my home meeting, but I did get the support I needed when I started to relate to what they were saying, even though it was worlds apart from my life. Take what you want & leave the rest. I probably left more than I took quantity wise, but I took a lot of quality. Once I stopped looking at the people & concentrated on their words, it helped. Sometimes I have to stare at the floor or the wall while they talk so I can concentrate.
As far as being messed up, we all are. I think everyone is in some way or another, but it so important to be able to admit it. It takes a lot strength to do it so I can tell your a strong person & should be proud of it!
Welcome to Our Little Family here it MIP... I Hope you Find here the Love & Support You are Looking for, and From above it appears it is coming your way :) All Good things...
I Know for Me when I First walked into the Rooms 3+ Years ago, I had so Many Emotions that FINALLY got me there, but I was Making Excuses to myself of why "THis will NEVER WORK" but I Respected those that said, Make at least 6 Meeting before you deside, and I have to say... Since then I Can say... "Al-Anon & the Members of... Saved My Life... & Me from own Selfrightousness..."
I was at that time the Youngest in our Group as well.. I am no longer... But What I Found was Like (((Country boy))) stated, When I took the Time to "Listen" to what they were expressing, and I took the Time to HEAR what ESH they were Sharing, I Learned More then I Could have Ever Imagined...
When I got here I was No better then anyone else, I had my Faults for sure, and Judegement of OTHERS was a Biggy... I was Brought Up in an Alcoholic home where Judgement was First Nature & Getting to Know someone just didn't happen... Becuase I had Enough Judgement I didn't need to know them... (Or so I thought)...
My 1st HOME Group I don't attend as Much, but I Was Lucky Enough to Have (3) Meetings a Week in my neighborhood, and have since adopted the Other 2 as My HOME... And Me being 38 I Will say that One of My Nearest & Dearest friends these last 3 years is a Lady that is Blind & 81 yrs old... She has Accepted Me where I am, She has Never Judged or Tried to LEAD Me anywhere but Closer to my Higher Power & My Program... And she was there at My Very 1st Meeting... And Had ANYONE Said... "This will be Your #1 Fan while your here!" I would have told you ..You was Crazy... because NO WAY Could be have things In Common... Well HP Came thru & She has thrown me a life Line More then once...
This is Not an Easy Program.. but I have learned when I QUIT Pointing the Finger at OTHERS Wrongs, I Find that I Learn More about ME! And Normally what I Judged THEM Of, Was Exactly How I Felt About myself... This Program Offers SO MANY Tools to help get over the tough Spots, helps us Love Who we Are, and accept that Others My not feel the same about us, but that is OK...
When it Comes to the Gossipers I don't pay them No Never Mind.. Because At One time I was them as Well, and I know they are Only Trying to Figure out their Own path as well... As Detachment States... We do Not have to be USED Or ABUSED by others... So When the Gossip Now Starts, I have the Courage to say.. "Well I'm Sorry to Hear that But I have to Go Now!" or "That is Really Non of My business!" It Defuses them & their Gossip and it gives me the freedom Not to be Involved in it...
I hope you Keep Coming back & Sharing Your Journey, It is Tough Pointing Out Our Flaus but I will Say From My Experience... I have Grown More Here in the Last 3 years that I did the 1st 35yrs of My Alcohol Infused Life, and I Couldn't have done it without the Love & Support of My Al-Anon Family, that Helps Guide me Everyday to a Better ME!
Glad Your Here... Friends in Recovery... ONE DAY AT A TIME :) Please Take what you LIke & Leave the Rest...
I love that story Country Boy, it helped me remember one similar...
One night, just after I moved to another state, I desperately needed a meeting. I looked one up in the Where n When and decided to go. I got there a little early, 2 elderly men, about 30-35 years older than me, were organizing the room. I was a bit disappointed and decided to ask if this was a mens-only meetings... nope. They decided to start the meeting, just the three of us....
As the preamble was read, the door opened, and I was glad. Until I saw it was another man, an old man. As the meeting progressed, this man fell asleep with his head on the table and began to snore LOUDLY. The other two men read from our literature, they read vast amounts and only passed the book to each other. I had to close my eyes, I was becoming sooooooo angry at God. Over and over in my head, I kept saying, "effing women-haters!!!" I got very, very close to getting up and walking out. Thankfully, I guess I had enough program in me, I knew the problem had to be me. So, eyes closed, I just started praying.....
The book was finally passed to me, I got to read half a page, lol. I am convinced my face was red from anger and smoke very well may have been visibly coming out of my ears. I was still attached to my thoughts, "this meeting is a total waste!!"
Then it was time for sharing. I cannot convey with words the grace that came over me as I listened to these men share, I nearly came to tears as it became obvious that Higher power had me right where I needed to be, and I heard exactly what I needed to hear that night. I left that meeting sooooo full of gratitude, I hugged these beautiful human beings for being there with me that night, even the man who needed sleep much more than he did the meeting, God bless him.
We all have this in common - we have been affected by ALCOHOLISM, so yup.... we are all a bit messed up. But anyone trying to get with the SOLUTION is one of my favorite people on the planet, that's what I learned that night.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Once I stopped looking at the people & concentrated on their words, it helped. Sometimes I have to stare at the floor or the wall while they talk so I can concentrate.
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Boy does this ring a bell - when I went into rehab for an eating disorder, everyone in the group weighed 300-600lbs - I weighed a whopping 85lbs. Talk about feeling superior - I soon learned that we were all there for the same reason. That was over 20yrs ago and even today when I go to an OE meeting, I tend to feel out of place sometimes and have to remind myself that we are all here to heal not judge each other.
Wow. such encouraging reply's. I thought for sure you were all going to think I was a total outcast! I really didn't think that you would even be able to relate. Come to find out-you can! All of your es and hope really helped me see that I do belong in those rooms. I am going to humble myself. I don't want to stay sick. I want to live in more freedom. It just isn't worth it to try and "look" like I have it all together. In fact-it is very exhausting! I think I may take a break from my facebook page for awhile-it seems to codependant to me. I want to be happy with myself in all areas of my life and trying to live through the eyes of everyone else is not working. I am glad that even though I am a mess...I am still accepted here and that some of you can relate to my stuff. That means a lot. Thanks for the love.
My HP got me on that one years ago. I had the same thing going on when I was younger, and honestly looking back I can say for me it was a mix of inexperience in life's realities, and well that...LOL.
I was good at putting on heirs and pretending to be better than everyone else. I was raised in a family where you were dressed up from a young age, brought to big gatherings with "name dropping" and fancy homes and fancy meals and the kids were taught to keep quiet, never get in trouble and stay away from the grown ups until you were a teen. Then you were indoctrinated to the "adult" conversation of how to be upper class.
Funny, not like we were Rockerfellers! And honestly my family still does this to this day however.... I learned there is 'side' talk in real time. Real issues get discussed away from the fancy groups.
First I was blessed by my HP with an autistic child. He was 3 when we figured it out, I was 30. Nothing like having to carry a screaming, tantrumming 6 or 8 year old CHILD out of a store to the horrified look of everyone in the store saying "that boy just needs a ........ (insert quick fix)". Very humbling and I learned to smile at them as I walked out with him. He's turning 16 on Monday and has come a long way.
Then my HP to further insure I didn't get too big for my britches gave me a child with mental illness. Nothing like having to show up at a child psych ward 3 times or have your kid get kicked out of the ED program at school to teach you that you might look good on the outside but....we are ALL given our things to bear. Once I got that I quickly learned to recognize that anyone who pretends to have it all together is just doing that - pretending. Makes it easier for me to be honest because I know the truth now LOL.
HP also threw my way the "living with 15 years of abuse and not leaving" humility. There's been quite a bit more between that fun age of "I'm so cool" of 25 or so, until now 43. But just the long way of saying people actually respect when you are "real" with them. And give yourself time to be ready to do so. But it won't be like a shock to anyone - we don't walk into an Al Anon room because our life is awesome LOL.
I love how you presented your story and I think you would be someone I'd really enjoy listening to talk and open up. Welcome :)
When I first got to al anon I could not identify. Indeed finding a really good meeting is a big task. There are meetings here twice a day which I can say are generally very good. The people here are very friendly and you can't see them so you don't have that distraction. Why not go with that for a while and then when you have some emotional space go in search of a good meeting.
