The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just got back from a lovely weekend away at my son's tennis tournament. We both felt ill this AM, I think we're dehydrated and tired. He lost his match this AM so we drove home today.
AH has been hiding in his office all day, as usual. We got along for the most part on the phone but what's been driving me crazy is that he's 'sorry' for everything. He'll make a noise and then say 'sorry' and I'll say, "What for?" He says, "Oh, didn't that noise bother you?" Ummm, nope, didn't even notice it. Today he left a receipt from his home detention program on the counter and I didn't know if he needed to keep it so I asked him if he needed it and he apologized for leaving it out. I'm not sure why he keeps apologizing but I'm thinking it's part of the bigger deal. I mean, how would I feel if I was sitting at home waiting for my breathalyzer machine to go off and snap my picture? And, how about that pretty ankle monitoring bracelet he's wearing, I'm sure that's not comfortable or easy to deal with.
I'm really trying hard to practice compassion in my thinking, trying to be empathic and seeing how miserable he really must be. I may not feel ready to open up to him emotionally as I don't trust him yet but at least I can be pleasant and calm when dealing with him. Unfortunately, that's all we are to each other right now. Pleasant and respectful and basically avoiding the white elephant in the room. I'm not sure when I'm going to be ready to talk to him about our marriage or about how I'm feeling these days. He is done with home detention later this week, I'm not really hoping for any big change but at least the equipment will be out of the house and we can be sort of normal. I know he tries to sit close to the machine so that he doesn't miss the alarm. He really doesn't want to go back to jail, I don't blame him!
Dear friend, for me, it wasn't so much that I can't trust people anymore. Rather, I can trust Higher power.
I completely understand where you're at, when I had my husband under the microscope, it was, "damned if you do, damned if you don't" I was so hyper-focused on him, I just loved to hate him. He couldn't do anything right anymore. I became very enmeshed in him and his business, and that resulted in ME becoming very sick, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Why? I suppose because "he" was in his business, and "I" was in his business.... there was no one over here in "my" business, nobody taking care of me.
I would love to hear what you are doing for YOU today, choose something that FEELS GOOD ((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 12th of June 2012 08:25:23 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I understand that it is difficult for you. I am also noticing changes in my AB and behaviour I cannot explain. For example, some weeks ago he got drunk and slept on the sofa a few times. Sometimes I woke him up at night and asked him to go back to bed, but one time he said something like "You are too angry with me." I had not complained or so, I had just done some work alone after he had promised to help me.
I hope, things are getting clear for you some time...
All I can add is that my AH would apologize for insignificant things too. It drove me nuts. I figured it was his way of trying to deal with the inner guilt at treating me poorly. He couldn't apologize for the alcohol infused rages, so he would apologize for making a noise or adjusting his legs if we were sitting on the sofa together.
In my humble opinion, trust takes a long time to rebuild. You are doing great...no need to pressure yourself to open up if you are just not ready yet. That feeling is there for a reason. Some days, being pleasant is the best we can do...and that is a huge step for maintaining our serenity and inner peace.
Keep taking care of you!
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I understand, too--and remember the whole mess wit my husband's ankle bracelet and all that. who know what he is experiencing. I remember the apologies, too--who knows why they say them and what they mean by them. You sound like you are doing AMAZING really. be gentle on yourself and you got some good ESH here. (HUGS)
