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We had a bad episode two weeks ago. My AH became agressive towards our 17 year old nephew who lives with us and later became physical with him as my nephew went into the house to get away from him. The whole situation seemed to be totally unprovoked as I was ther when it happened and was shocked by my husband's behavior.
Not feeling comfortable about the situation, I asked the court for an abuse prevention order on behalf of my nephew against my husband. My husband has acted agressive before. Last summer, he was pretty intoxicated and threw something at my adult daughter's car when the two younger kids (14 & 17) were in it with her as they drove away.
I feel just awful about the whole situation and of course my AH is upset that I called the police and subsequently got the order against him.
We have a date to go before the judge next week. The judge will decide whether or not to continue the order. Needless to say, I feel awful about the situation I've been put in and find it quite unsettling.
I'm new to Al anon with no sponsor yet so I'm feeling a bit lost.
Olive this is an opportunity for your husband to take responsibility for his actions....which he will not be happy about.
So often when a police are called and by the time the situation gets to court the wife or victim has started to feel sorry for the abuser and withdraws the complaint....so the abuser gets off.
This is the type of excuse and attitude of the abuser;
I am not responsible for my actions because of my substance abuse.
If you go on with this you are being mean to me, considering these other problems I have.
I was not abusive I was only trying to get through to you/him......
If you go on with this it will only trigger my anger and you will be responsible for what I do.
The above type of thinking plus "being so sorry" tends to result in the victim withdrawing the request to the court.
Aggression usually gets worse over time.
Every good wish in your decision making...only you can decide what is best. T.H.
I can only compare your story to my younger step brother and my parents' handling of his drug stories. Well, after many years I can say that your response looks so right to me! I wish my parents' would let my brother feel the consequences of his actions without bailing him out all of the time. It only got worse and my brother got into prison.
I wish you all the strength, courage and clarity you need!
You did a great job with the boundaries your nephew is so lucky to have you in his corner!! Do you happen to have a phone list for the alanon group you are attending? Those for me have been God sends when I just can't connect with my sponsor.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You did a good thing and it sent the right message. Aggression is not okay - no matter what. He can be mad at you all he wants. But the boundary remains the same. Aggression is not okay. If he doesn't like the consequences, don't be aggressive.
I will be going to a meeting soon and will try the phone list.
I am feeling so sad about this situation.Although we have had some difficulties over the years due to his drinking, he tended to pull himself together as he takes his family responsibilities very seriously.Since his nephew came to live with us a few years ago he seems to have a lot of difficulty with that responsibility on top of some health problems which the drinking exacerbates. We've had some dreadful episodes but through counseling and commitment, we seemed to be coping okay and I was happy in spite of our day-to-day challenges.
When he snapped like that two weeks ago, it almost seems like there is no going back. I thought we had things under control and now he's getting more agressive?! He can get stuck on his irrational thoughts which can center around what a terrible child his nephew is and then becomes very upset with the way I am raising him.Its too much unfortunately.
He is not the remorseful or apologizing kind although he will acquiesce and then decide to do his best to go along and get along.Now we are at an impasse.I do not want that behavior in my home and he thinks I am overreacting.My call to the police and the court order has really damaged him.He was gone for two weeks and now he is back sleeping in his office!
I may be thinking ahead too much so I think its time for some slogans Easy Does It ~ One Day At A Time ~ Let Go And Let God
