The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm probably older than most anybody on here. Today I was thinking I may have 12 or 15 years left. No guarantees with that, of course.
And I got to thinking about how I want to live these next years--however many are given to me. Mind you, in my head I don't feel any different than the youngest of you. But suddenly I'm not young or even middle-aged anymore.
I thought about all of the years I spent waiting for my husband to quit being so angry (he was cuddly when he was drunk, and could drive like a racer, so it took me a long time to realize he was an alcoholic). And then for him to really get it that he was one, and to not try to tell himself something else while he was running a little still in his body with fruit juices or mainlining mouthwash. More years wasted waiting for him to get it that yelling and switching stories is verbal and emotional abuse--he still hasn't.
Then I spent so many years feeling bad because my mother was unhappy, and tryng to change that. Then waiting for her to get better, and caring for her when she was hospitalized. Waiting for her to get better before I could be happy/take care of myself. Then years trying to take care of my sister--this goes on--again, lots of hospitalizations and therapy rehabs after.
Years waiting for the daughter to fully launch--we help support her now.
And I think it helped me to detach--none of those people, not one of them, is as mentally sound as I am (if you take away the wanting everyone else to be happy). Yet I've put their needs and wants ahead of mine and let them make decisions for me--in the case of my husband, because he can make sooo much noise.
I hope I keep talking to myself about finally, putting my needs first with me.
It was such a waste of time and lifeforce, waiting decades for the alcoholic to get it right. Chances were so very high that he would not--not ever. I realize that DDhusband short-changed himself on so much brain development. He started drinking at 17--episodically, but still...and quit at 37. And the human brain doesn't stop developing until 25. So so much of the strange, immature things he did and continues to do make sense now--he is working with an adolescent's brain. He could function at a high level intellectually, but socially and emotionally, he's a stunted child.
You won't believe this, but in two blinks you could be old and wondering What the heck happened? I know that what happened to me was that I had the focus on everybody but myself. And I felt that I couldn't ( ) until they ( ). It was my life, and I gave so much of it away.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Temple, Thanks for the post. This serves to remind each of us that we are choosing to put ourselves last the longer we live with an A. I hope you are able to do for yourself now. I have wasted 9 yrs so far, I sure don't want to be 60 or 70 wishing I had left and gotten peace and happiness.
Thanks, Temple, for sharing your insight. Once I realized that I had a problem with my AH's binge drinking (which was getting more and more frequent over our 30 years of marriage) and he told me that he didn't think he had a drinking problem (this, after getting his second DUI), I saw a therapist who then recommended Al-Anon to me. After going to Al-Anon for over two years and working on detachment with love, I came to realize that I was getting sicker right along with him. I was turning into someone that we both didn't like to be around.
It was then that I separated, and I haven't looked back since. I am now becoming the person I want to be. He's still drinking and it's now affecting all aspects of his life: his health, his relationships with our grown children, his finances and his legal freedoms. And me? Well I'm on a good path to serenity and a renewed relationship with my HP. I'm not sure what the future will hold for me, but I really feel that I didn't rush into anything in finally deciding to end our marriage, yet I feel that I still have time to create a new life for myself.
I needed to read your story.. Thank you for sharing. I am having a terrible day. My A has made this whole day about her... it was my first day off in 8 days. I've been working with a kidney infection because i have to pay all the bills, since my alcoholic never got her license reinstated and her car insurance has "surprisingly" skyrocketed. I wanted a day for me... but she won't have it - this day has been a complete waste and not only that, but it has sent us back 27 days into the past.
I'm trying to have the courage to stick it out, but maybe it is a waste of time. I'm not getting any younger, and my health sure can't take any more of this. I give myself away to everyone. I have a hard time saying no when it is in my power to do so, and so much guilt when I can't give my A everything she needs. She complains and insults me and makes me responsible for her drinking. So I do for her until I snap.
These past two years I could have been in school. I could be half way to a bachelors. Sigh.
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"Everything that has ever happened to us is there to make us stronger." - John Trudell
Lucy--Right on that--you don't want to have spent almost your whole life waiting for somebody else to make things right.
Green Eyes--you are an inspiration. Wish I could feel I have that much time. The stress has affected my health. And I intend to turn that around, as much as I can. Good for you, good for you!
Littlehawk--my heart breaks for you. All you have is today, so try to make the best decisions for you. My grandmother, who predated AlAnon by about a hundred years, always said to my mother: "Nobody can make a doormat out of you unless you let him." I hope you are getting to meetings and reading the literature. You are so worth saving. By enabling your A you are keeping her from getting the help she needs. And you can't meet all her needs--she's a bottomless pit. On your day you wanted for yourself--an A would just have disappeared.
I always ask myself what is wrong with me that I am sick with somebody else's disease? (In addition to my own people-pleasing, co-dependent, everyone must like me issues. I'm thinking now they'll just have to get used to my not being available as a whipping-boy, dog's body, man-of-all-work. Case in point: husband and I have always cleaned up my sister's apartment when she's been hospitalized. Not this time. I just couldn't face it--I was having a meltdown, and his back is hurt. So she's hiring somebody else to do it now.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Forgive yourself, my friend, you did your best. As Green Eyes wrote, it's all about meeting up with Higher power. We do it when we're ready to do it, not a moment sooner.
I was married for 26 years and I do not consider my time with my ex AH as "wasted time." My dis-ease likes to rear its ugly head on occasion and tell me these fearful thoughts... that I lost all that time.... I lost this and that.... it's too late for me... and I never had a chance at blah, blah, blah. That is my disease talking but sometimes I need my sponsor to tell me that because the thoughts seem so real, so true and valid, this disease is absolutely cunning, baffling and powerful.
From working the steps, I can say the promises have certainly come true for me, I DO NOT REGRET the past nor wish to shut the door on it, it led me to where I am today. I cannot discount the awakenings I experienced in recovery so far, I am full of gratitude. My sponsor always told me Life is about spiritual lessons and soul growth. And it took me as long as it took me, I didn't do anything "wrong," it all happened when I was ready to meet God.
The great thing about recovery for me, it taught me to make amends to myself, for all the ways I harmed myself, knowingly or unknowingly. Today, I have the choice, to live fully in this present moment and be what I imagine Higher power wants me to be right now. I will be content if my greatest accomplishment in life is that I came to know myself and love myself. I couldnt always say that in the past, but I have worked very hard on myself in recovery. Today, I believe that is HP's will for me in a nutshell. The love of my children, my friends and sponsees affirm my recovery, they let me know that I am enough, just as I am. I don't need to live in fear about that anymore.
At the International convention in 2010, I heard this: "How does a (woman) like you, get to be a (woman) like you?"
For me?? through every one of my experiences. The good, the bad and the ugly, it has all served a perfect purpose.
Take care of yourself, whatever that looks like, my friend. You are God's own handiwork. ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thank you Temple. I can relate to the "I couldn't abc until they xyz" business. I haven't spent maybe as long doing that, but I'm now nearly 50 and I feel a lot older sometimes. I think that's the point...nomatter how old we are or how long we've been doing that dance, it is one very long moment in time that freezes over and gets lost. Because truthfully we all have just this moment, this day, and this moment well spent can feel very full. The point of power is in the present moment. Living in this mioment frees us from regret of the past or fear of the future.
I often think to myself "my god...I've been doing this a day at a time for 18 years...am I still gonna be doing it when I'm 70 or if it kills me before I even get there?" Codependency is a process of non-living that is progressive without treatment says Melody Beattie. Your share has really inspired me to not rest on my laurels "waiting" to live for myself until my A can join me! I feel glad for you that you've made these realisations today. Seize the day. Blessings, Tigger x
Gladlee--Thank you for the support and for another glimpse at what it looks like from somebody who has lots of recovery. I was feeling sorry for myself, wasn't I? I need to recognize again again that I made many choices over the years to be where I am, and if things didn't turn out as I thought they would, maybe I need to really work on myself. I can so easily lose focus--if I ever had any--when things get sideways. I think what really hit me today was that we moved into this house 4 years ago and really aren't equipped to handle it. I thought we needed two little houses. I think we needed two slots in a retirement place. Oh well, things are looking up--daughter is making a mercy run tomorrow to try to help us out for 3 days, and sister has lucked onto a great housekeeper. Now must pray that a gardener falls out of the sky. I still don't know how to handle home repairs--it's always been on me to find contractors, etc--without a big, big flap, but I don't have to think about that now.
Tigger--Thank you so much for the reminder about the moment thing! I'm always in the past or the future. If I were in the moment, it would be sufficient unto itself, wouldn't it? And Oh Heck--this is progressive, too? I can be really screwed up in 15 more years, if I don't get busy, can't I? Rats. Well, I am making a little progress. Maybe if I feed it, it will grow.
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Thank you for your share!! It inspires me to know I'm on the right path for myself and the kids.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I could regret a great deal the 7 years I spent with the ex A. I know that at the same time it took what it did to get me to learn how to take care of myself and to set boundaries. When I look at many of my issues I managed to function pretty well on superficial levels but down deep there was and still is lots to change.
I certainly had years of waiting for my family of origin to change. I'm blessed I went to therapy and put myself in a milieu where I could find some grace about that.
I certainly have compassion and understanding about how the disease of alcoholism pulls so many people into its orbit. I also understand these days that I can step out of being the hero, the savior and the victim in that role.
I am so blessed to be able to say I no longer am controlled by anyone elses pain.
Maresie, I was reading the posts and it dawned on me again that if not for the challenges brought about living with an A would never have forced me to look close at myself and I went into councelling shortly after moving into this situation. I have grown alot and like you, learned about boundries and how to say no, stopped people pleasing and stand up to people when I was unable to do any of those things before the A insisted I needed councelling. I think the hp wants us to grow in all our choices and I needed these problems to have gotten where I am now. When I look at the past, each bad relationship taught me alot and I see positive coming out of what seemed negative. Someday, I hope to see my A as a blessing.
Thank you for your thought-provoking post. I know that it will resonate with a lot of people.
Like glad lee wrote, our disease will try its hardest to tell us that we blew it; that we wasted all those years with the alcoholic and putting all others before ourselves. I don't listen to it. Whenever my disease (stinking thinking) rears its ugly head and tries to lead me down the path of regrets, I take control and begin thinking of what I can do NOW, what I can do with all the knowledge and wisdom I've gain because of my past. My so-called mistakes came with treasures (lessons). I embrace the lessons and go forth.
I spent 36 years with my husband, who was very active in his alcoholism for most of that time. I, too, took a long time to wake up. But I awoke! I celebrate that and cherish each day.
I divorced my husband June 2010, just two years ago. June 2011 we reunited (not legally married). For the past year, he has maintained a good recovery program. It's a joy to see him sober. However, I also see the immature behavior/thinking. I observe it and don't take it personally anymore. I find that my responses (not reactions) to his behaviors help keep the peace between the two of us. I don't deny the behavior. I often recite The Serenity Prayer when he behaves immaturely and I just detach with love. I cannot change him; I am so thankful that I realize that now. He also has physical limitations due to health conditions brought on by years of alcohol consumption (he began at 15 and stopped at 60). How much time he has is unknown. Many are concerned I will be left alone again because of his health condition. But they don't know that I won't be alone ~ through it all I have come to realize that HP has been with me every step I've taken and will be there always.
We are currently on vacation (together a lot). I see the immature behavior rear its head whenever little or big things crop up. I recognize "his" problem, but I don't make it mine. Oh, vacation would be grander IF he were more mature. But it is what it is. I accept it all and go forth. He might be having a tizzy fit over some minute little thing, but I am sitting over there admiring nature's beauty and filled with wonder. This is the first vacation I've been able to do that - detach with love.
This probably sounds all so "hairy-fairy" for those of you just waking up. But for those of you who are saying ( ) fill in the blank, just keep working a good program. Someday you'll know what I'm talking about.
So because of my past, a past many would say is riddled with mistakes, I am the woman I am today. I wouldn't change a thing.
Peace to you my dear lady. Enjoy each day............. share your wisdom through your actions. Be a light for yourself and others.
Again, thank you for your post!!!
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Wednesday 13th of June 2012 08:33:28 AM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
