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This is my first time posting here but I have been reading a lot and trying to learn. It has provided me a lot of knowledge and comfort. I am still just trying to accept the reality of my situation. I have never been to a face to face meeting but I am trying to get brave enough to do that. I am here because my husband's drinking and the drinking that takes place by his family scares me and creates a lot of anxiety for me. I didn't realize until last night that alcoholics sometimes attend alanon meetings and I'm wondering if my husband would be willing to go to one.
I have told him how I feel about the drinking because I have made a vow to be honest with him but I don't dwell on it or bring it up often because I know I can't change it. I have never asked him to change his drinking behavior. His brother is a recovering alcoholic and his parents ALWAYS have a glass of wine in their hand. Their family doesn't know how to be together unless there is alcohol involved. My husband usually does his most excessive drinking when he is in their presence though he does plenty of drinking at others time also. He has obviously learned through years of living this way that this is normal. And that is what his response has been when I bring it up. He says this is what they do when they are together. The ironic part is that my husband is a drug and alcohol addiction counselor.
I feel very lucky that when my husband drinks he doesn't become mean, he doesn't try to drive and it doesn't happen everyday. But, with his family history it scares me to death where he might be headed. I am even more scared because I KNOW he loves me and would do anything for me. After I really laid out my feelings about this we had a dinner with his parents. Before we went in he said he wouldn't have much to drink and he had more than ever. I know he wouldn't have broken his word to me if he had the power to control it. That just strikes more fear in me.
When he drinks he is gone and replaced by a stranger and then I feel very alone. Thankfully it is a kind stranger but none the less a stranger I feel like I can't even have a conversation with. I find myself constantly worrying about the next scenario that will lead to drinking. We can never visit with his parents who live in the same town unless a meal is involved (That is the only way they will have it. They LOVE cooking and I think it gives them a reason to get together.) and a meal includes drinking. I find myself dreading seeing an email from his mother in my box beacause it is most often a dinnner request. I am finding myself more often than not filled with anxiety and fear over this.
My immediate issue is how to handle these family dinners. We had lunch with his parents on Saturday. At one point I liked having lunch with them because I thought it was too early for them to drink a lot but I was wrong. (A failed attempt to control their drinking by me!) It just means they get started earlier. Most of the day my husband was drunk. By the end of the meal I just wanted to scream, "Get me out of here." IF I drink I usually only have one and I am to the point where I don't ever drink anymore because I feel like I am condoning this behavior. So, here I am on Saturday trying to have casual dinner conversation with these 3 drunk people. It's just miserable. They aren't themselves, they don't remember what was discussed, they don't make sense. It is just completely unenjoyable to me. But, the hardest part is being around my husband when he is like this.
I know I can only control my behavior. My instinct is to say I won't go to dinner with his parents anymore. (I know if I say, "I won't go if you drink." will most likely lead to disppointment.) This would be so hard for me because I feel like I would be doing something so distructive to our marriage. Our families are very important to both of us and we spend a lot of time with them. He is so good to my family and does so much with them and for them. We agreed early on that we would spend all of our holidays together and split the day between both families. He and I do almost everything together from grocery shopping to doctors appointments. I feel like saying I won't have dinner with his family would be so hurtful to these relationships and might make him then not want to spend time with my family in retaliation. I don't know what to do. Father's Day is coming up this weekend and I know there will be a dinner offer and I will spend my whole week dreading it. I need to figure out how to reduce the anxiety these family dinners create for me.
Personally, I do not attend family functions any more - the drinking, chaos, bickering are detrimental to my well-being so I choose to NOT participate.
No issues with the in-laws.....they do not drink :-}
Thanks for the input. How does that go over with your family? Are they accepting of your choice? Once again I am lucky there is no bickering or drama. They live in denial of reality so we never discuss life's real issues. It is just a lot of small talk that gets very tedious when they are all drunk. They get all sappy and lovey dovey which is so NOT the way they usually are. So, just another example of feeling alone and dealing with strangers. Being told by my mother in law that I had sexy eyes on Saturday was just a little to weird for my comfort level.
My family really doesn't have anything to say about my choice -and they so caught up in their addictions that they really don't miss me. Plus, I've been fairly honest with them in the fact that I will not be around anyone who drinks....period. I don't ask for their approval on what it takes to make/keep me health.
I have just declined an invitation to a 65th Birthday party on Wednesday. The 65yr old (to be) is an old family friend and an alcoholic. I haven't been in his company in a long time. Pressure is on from other family members.
He knows I care about him, but he also knows why I won't be there, I told him my recovery came first and wished him a wonderful day.
Being among drunks causes me to relapse. It triggers anxiety, flashbacks, builds resentments and more......everything I'm working so hard to get better from. My detachment just flies out the window.
The drunk gets it but the family members don't (yet)!! they'll all be falling over by 9pm & vomiting or crying by midnight. No thank you!
It took me a while to stop justifying, now I keep it simple. I say things like....go & enjoy yourself but I have other plans, catch you later.
I have stopped compromising my health & serenity to please other people.
Takes practice & is by no means perfected!!
Take the path of least anxiety......always remember you have a choice. If you go, have a plan B to exit if you need to.
Al-anon has got me to this stage hope it is something you will consider
Thanks for sharing your story. I like your comment about not needing to justify your decision and taking the path of least anxiety. I did not grow up around anyone who drank. This is all so new to me and one of the reasons I find the behavior so unsettling. It is something I am NOT used to. I can't imagine how these fears and anxieties effect people or children who have lived with this their entire lives. Saturday when I got home I was physically exhausted from the stress and tension.
I think the thing I'm really struggling with is how I would explain this to my husband. I know it will make him feel very bad to not attend these family events. It is so opposite of what we usually do....EVERYTHING together. We are very close and I talk to him about everything. That is one of the reasons it is so hard when he is drunk and I feel like I can't converse with him. I think this would be easier if our relationship wasn't so tight. But, I guess that no one would be here if they didn't love the person who drinks.
I am also kicking around your plan B idea. Maybe driving on my own so I have the freedom to leave when I'm ready. I'm not sure where this would leave him though. He has never attempted to drink and drive that I'm aware of. But, there's always a first. He has already gotten upset when I have wanted to leave one of these events sooner than he would like which limited his time with his family because we drove together. I also worry about me enabling him by being the designated driver for these famliy events.
I was going to come back with the same question as Path to Serenity.
For too long I put my own feelings on the backburner so as not to cause upset or disappointment, if we don't voice how we feel, how will they know? He thinks his actions are ok because you are not telling him anything different. This is a form of enabling
We have a saying in Al-anon....'say what you mean......mean what you say.......and don't say it mean.
Quote:I am also kicking around your plan B idea. Maybe driving on my own so I have the freedom to leave when I'm ready. I'm not sure where this would leave him though.
He is a big boy, Im sure hell cope. Taxis are wonderful things
I have talked to him. I don't harp on it but in February I broke down in tears and told him how scared I am of his drinking and I told him how much anxiety these family gatherings cause me because of the drinking. I didn't go into great detail but I definitely made it clear that it is upsetting to me. This was when he basically said this is how his family spends time together. And, then he implied I was telling him he couldn't drink with his family. I told him that I was just telling him how I felt and I know I can't control what he chooses to do. The next day when we saw them is when he told me he would only have a couple beers and then ended up drinking more than he did the previous time when I found it so upsetting. This is when I started getting really scared because I know he wouldn't have broken his word to me if he could control it. I haven't brought it up since then. You are absolutely right about him being a big boy. I am starting to think driving myself might be the best way to handle it. Getting up the nerve to leave alone will be a challenge. But, I'm trying really hard to make good choices in this situation. I keep telling myself I have to be brave enough to do things that are really hard if that is what is most healthy.
The theory is once you state something once and you have been heard about it then yes, it becomes a form of control/manipulation, we just wear someone down until they agree to what we want and that's kind of like rearranging the furniture in the room and finding out you don't like it anyway. When I fix, manage and control that's what it winds up being. The result is not what I wanted or liked because there is a brand new "if only".
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I appreciate all of the wisdom. Thank you for sharing! I am thinking I will attempt to drive on my own. It will be really hard for me to get the courage to do that but it already makes me less anxious to think about doing that instead of what I usually do. I would still love to hear about the experiences other people have had in similar situations.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to hang out with a bunch of intoxicated people. No need to feel guilty about it.
To spend time with his family, you can always invite them to an outing on YOUR terms. The zoo, a museum, a movie, etc. This way you still spend time with them, but it can be something your enjoy for a change.
If it were me, I would totally drive myself. Feeling stuck and stranded in an uncomfortable situation is the worst. If you need to dip out early, so what. Sounds like staying around just causes you anxiety, isn't good quality family time anyway and could thus cause harm to the family relationship with you, and also silently condones their behavior.
Take care of you.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to hang out with a bunch of intoxicated people. No need to feel guilty about it.
To spend time with his family, you can always invite them to an outing on YOUR terms. The zoo, a museum, a movie, etc. This way you still spend time with them, but it can be something your enjoy for a change.
Dolly thanks! I like the idea of doing some things on my terms. I have thought about that a little bit in the past and will work harder at making it a reality. Mother-In-Law is a real control freak and likes things on her terms. I think the only way she is comfortable spending time with people is dinner and alcohol when SHE requests it and it has to be a big "event".
I am used to my family where I can waltz in the front door uninvited for 5 minutes or a few hours and just chit chat or see if someone wants to go to the mall or take a bike ride. I think when I talk to my husband if I mention to him scenarios without alcohol that I would be willing to spend time with them it would help. He has told me that it seems like I just don't want to spend time with his family which is absolutely not true. I just don't want to spend time with his DRUNK family.
Well no one said change is easy. In al anon we employ a few tools. First nothing is for ever. I actually had a boundary with the ex A that I wouldn't be around his mother for a while. Then I relaxed that rule but I set up a plan be. If I felt things were getting out of hand I had an "out".
I didn't explain it to anyone. I didn't try to explain the issue with the then ex A because like your husband his drinking and drugging went along with visits to his family. I have to say these things left me devastated. It was a long hard road to getting clarity and detachment on this. I had to let go of perfectionism. The ex A never "got" it why I objected to his drinking to his friends who stayed 24/7. He never "heard" my objections at all but he did hear and learn to respect my boundaries. When I stopped making wold war III about it that really helped.
i'd highly recommend the book Getting them Sober. I think that book really helped me to readjust my expectations. I had a really idealized view of what my relationship "should" be with the ex a. By the time I got to my wits end I was wiling to do something other than what had left me bereft.
Personally I now no longer have much to do with my famiy of origin and really have a lot of caution around other people's families. That certainly didn't arrive overnight. I went to therapy for a long long time to get there.
There is no "right" solution to what you are describing. There are tools than can help. There are options. Options are not "for ever". Options are for tomorrow or the next day. Some alcoholics do indeed stop drinking generally that involves not being around other people who drink for a long long time.
I know plenty of drunks that work in the field of addiction. I was one of those. There is a period of time right before the breaking point that an alcoholic will think "I am a drinking expert. Look how much I can drink and not have problems." 1. They don't see the problems it is creating. 2. The other problems are on the way. 3. They mistakenly believe they have better control than most people over drinking/drugs because they honestly believe they can use/drink without the same consequences as those they treat.
Not sure how your husband fits into that paradigm, but that is how it went for me up until I could no longer deny that my drinking had progressed to sheer alcoholism. I was typically counseling drug abusers so I purposely did not make the connection between my behavior and theirs. My drinking was legal right? (forgeting that I drove drunk all the time and that's not legal).
It is clear that his drinking is really bothering you and for that Alanon is appropriate. My sister is a big wine drinker. She never took it to the degree I did. Usually when there is one or more alcoholics in a family, there will be all kinds of members spanning from normal drinker, to problem drinker, to alcoholic. In non-addicted families, virtually no members have a problem. It is a family illness, though not every person in his family is an alcoholic.
I like all the suggestions you got above. Especially the one about driving yourself so you can leave if you want. It's about your serenity and you don't have to put yourself in situations you don't enjoy. Life is too short to be miserable and stay miserable on purpose. You can easily say "I'm not feeling well" and that will be the truth because you don't "fell well" in those scenarios.
Everyone's advice and stories are so helpful. I already feel better and have less anxiety knowing I have some options. I guess I always had options but didn't feel like it at the time. Pinkchip, thank you for sharing your experience as a rehab counselor. I was quite certain that didn't make him exempt from having issues though I'm not 100% sure how it factors into things. I'm sure it's easy to think you don't have a problem when the people you see with a problem are crashing cars, losing jobs, homeless etc. and you are none of those things. I definitely see the comparisons happen about what degrees of drinking are OK whether it's him comparing himself to others or comparing the different drinking degrees of his family members. He has one other brother who has been told by his doctor he is self medicating for another illness with alcohol and now that he is being treated medically he needs to stop. He lives in Canada so we don't don't spend that much time together which makes me not as aware of the extent of his drinking. But you hit the nail on the head when you said what you said below. It defintely bothers me because I feel like I grew up in a fairly healthy family and I can see that the relationship they all have with alcohol is unhealthy and that scares me VERY, VERY much especially when it comes to my husband. Interesting to hear you talk about it being a family disease and the different spans of drinking. That is definitely going on. I don't know where everyone in the family fits on the span and as I've read here, it's not my job to figure it out. I just know it bothers me a lot. I haven't mentioned that we have been married less than 2 years. My husband lived 8 hours away most of the time we were dating. So, when I saw the drinking with his family during that time period I just chalked it up to a big celebration because he was home and visiting. I didn't realize this is what they ALWAYS do. So, I want to try really hard to set good habits, boundaries etc. now in regard to this so that I don't become a bigger part of the problem and make myself sick in the process. Orchid Lover, I am going to keep reminding myself of what you said, nothing is forever.
pinkchip wrote:
It is clear that his drinking is really bothering you and for that Alanon is appropriate. My sister is a big wine drinker. She never took it to the degree I did. Usually when there is one or more alcoholics in a family, there will be all kinds of members spanning from normal drinker, to problem drinker, to alcoholic. In non-addicted families, virtually no members have a problem. It is a family illness, though not every person in his family is an alcoholic.
I want to thank you all again for your stories! I told my husband last night that it was really hard for me to watch him get drunk with his parents and what my new plan will be. I told him I didn't want him to be mad at me and that I wanted him to know I wasn't mad at him. Of course, his first response was, "Then how will I get home?" Then he said, "We'll figure it out." That was about it. We didn't talk as much as I would have liked but at least I was brave enought to get it out. He always gets REALLY quiet on the few occasions I have brought up my issues with the drinking. He is still being really quiet today. I'm sure he has a lot going on in his head. It can't be easy to hear me say these things. I wish he was open to talking about it more. I was hoping he would be talkative enough I could bring up alanon but I guess I need to take it one step at a time. He ordered 2 beers when we went out to dinner last night after I told him. I don't think I would have had the nerve! But, I guess that's the way different minds work.
I still have the hurdle of Father's Day tomorrow and actually being brave enought to follow through with my plan. His parents want to go to church tomorrow morning which is quite a change and I'm thrilled with it. Then brunch! I assume there won't be as much drinking as usual because it's brunch and we have to leave fairly early to see my family. (Though I don't want to fool myself.) But, that is allowing me to feel like I don't have to be as strong about all of this tomorrow. Maybe we can drive together and if things get to be to much for me I can leave and then pick him up later. I know I'm wimping out because we will be meeting his parents at church first and it will be confusing to them why we are driving in 3 different cars. I've been trying to read some on here about designated driving. I'm not totally clear on if it would be considered enabling or not detaching. I'm trying to learn about those 2 concepts. I understand the concepts some but I have a long way to go.
I want to make good healthy choices! Obviously, I want him to get home safely and would like to follow through with my plan as non-chalantly as possible. It's all so hard! Thank you for your encouragment and information. : )
Well, it's been a year since I have been here. About a month after this post my husband had some health problems due to acid reflux. One of the recommendations for the reflux was to cut back on alcohol. He has done this but he still has his moments. Friday night I had to use my plan B for the first time since I came up with it a year ago thanks to all of your help. I thought I would share how it went in hopes of helping others.
It was my in-laws 50th anniversary and they had a big party at their house. I had been dreading it for many months knowing there would be a lot of drinking. I also knew that if there was any time my husband would drink a large amount it would be an event like this. And, he did! When he got to where he had enough drink that I was feeling anxious and uncomfortable I decided it was time to leave. It was fairly easy because he was able to stay and get a ride with one of the other people there which made things less complicated.
I pulled him aside and told him I had a headache and was ready to leave. He said he would leave with me. (This is the part I was dreading because I was afraid he would leave with me and then be upset he left or get upset with me for not wanting to stay.) I told him he could stay and see his brother longer and get a ride with someone else if he wanted. He said he would do that if his brother wasn't leaving. I told his sister-in-law I was leaving and asked if they would give him a ride home. Then I discreetly left. It was really quite easy. (I still have a bit of nervousness about doing this when there isn't an obvious ride home. His parents live out in the country. But, I know it's not my job to worry about his transportation.)
I came home and tried to enjoy myself. I had a bit of anxiety about the situation but I know it was much less than if I would have stayed at the party. I realized he had no keys to get in the house since I drove home. So, I texted and told him I would leave a key in the mailbox. I wanted to be asleep by the time he got home so I wouldn't have to interact with him while he was drunk. He texted back so I know he got the message. I guess he was too drunk to remember because he came home and banged on the bedroom window to be let in. I considered not answering the door but I knew he probably wouldn't quit banging so I let him in. He was so drunk I didn't really have to worry about any interaction. He almost immediately passed out.
It concerns me that he drove home with his brother and sister in-law (I think) who had been drinking quite a good amount. I also think I need to let him know that he is blacking out and not remembering things. I think I read that it is best to make the drinker aware of that. When I don't acknowledge it I feel like I am keeping secrets for him. And, he has complained about his alcoholic brother doing the same thing and how disturbing it is. So, I think I need to politely tell him he does it also. On a side note his alcoholic brother was drinking O'Douls at this party. I read up a bit on whether this is safe for an alcoholic. What I read was quite concerning!
Pinkchip, I am starting to see the expert behavior you are talking about. Over the past year he has become much more open about acknowledging how everyone in his immediate family seems to have a problem with drinking. But, he seems to always be comparing his drinking to their drinking and making excuses for how it isn't as bad. If I had a quarter for the number of times I have heard him say, "I like the taste of beer but......". I told him the other day that I don't see why he should think he is the only one in his family exempt when everyone else has an obvious problem with alcohol. (I really try not to nag. I didn't say a word about this weekend. I try to let him know how I feel, say it once and be done. I feel good about the fact he told me he doesn't feel I nag about it.)
His brother and sister in law are returning in a week and have already mentioned getting together at a winery. Because we do so much together I have decided for now I will attend family events with my husband and then leave when I get uncomfortable. But, I think this is one exception. I have decided I need to tell him I CAN NOT be with his family at a winery and pretend everything is hunky dory and this is all just a casual afternoon. They said they couldn't take their kids to see fireworks because they had too much to drink. : ( I have a feeling the kids will be there at the winery and if nothing else I can not send them the message that this behavior focused around drinking is OK.
I am so thankful that my husband's extreme bouts with drinking are so far and few between. Yet, it makes it very easy for me to try to convince myself that I don't have to face it. When in reality I am scared to death of where this will all end up. We just closed on a new house this week and that has me thinking about the future and having a lot of anxiety. It all sometimes makes me physically ill. I KNOW I need to start going to meetings in person and trying to learn more techniques how to cope with this beyond the amazing help I get here. I am really, really nervous about it and could use some encouragement.
I will tell my husband about it and that makes me nervous just because I know he will be taken aback. I am never comfortable doing new things in new places with people I don't know and that makes me nervous. Luckily the meetings are in the church I grew up going to which will be somewhat familiar and comforting. I am nervous about possibly knowing people there. I know that is silly and they will be there for the same reason as me but it still makes me feel uncomfortable. I am also just curious about what a meeting will be like, the format etc. I have read there are different kinds of meetings but I see no indicator of what kind of meeting this is. (There is only one in my town.) Is it OK for me to just show up no matter what kind of meeting it is??
I have also wondered if it would be a good or bad idea for my husband to go. I know he has many issues due to his families drinking if he is willing to admit it to himself. I thought maybe it would be a step in the right direction if he can't see he has any drinking problems of his own to at least deal with the problems he has because of his family's drinking. I don't know if he would do it but I thought I would tell him he is welcome to join me if he wants. But, I didn't know if that would make things harder for me. Is it beneficial for a couple to attend meetings together? All of your input has been so helpful. I am hoping you can give me the encouragement I need to find the courage and go to a meeting.
-- Edited by In The Forest on Monday 8th of July 2013 01:26:10 PM
-- Edited by In The Forest on Monday 8th of July 2013 01:27:11 PM
-- Edited by In The Forest on Monday 8th of July 2013 01:29:46 PM
