The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I thought a lot about my childhood and my AB today. Let me tell you about a situation I just had on the phone with him, as he is on a business trip in Asia right now.
I told him I would love to communicate more with him about our sex life and I also suggested a relationship therapy session. After the conversation I noticed how shy and insecure I am in this matter and how strong and confident his voice gets then, and how he tends to turn me down like "Don't be silly". It is almost as if I am a child, asking for something and he tells me to sit down and be quiet, I try again, with a smaller voice, he almost forbids me to talk about it.
This role setting is not the case in other matters. Oh, I can be the boss and the controller in so many situations!! But it reminds me of the communication with my father. I was the type of child that would not ask twice, a no is a no. I would be very shy about communicating my needs and it was easy for my Dad to turn me down.
It is weird, but why is it the case that sex is such a weird matter for my AB and me? I think the fact that I am very scared of being rejected makes me insecure and this insecurity is making my AB, yes, controlling in this situation. He does not listen to me, he wants me to do what he wants (be quiet about the subject) without fair discussion.
But I can also imagine that the situation at home and the divorce of my parents had some weird effects on the role setting between my father and me. For example, my Dad and me completely stopped to cuddle. Physical closeness, nakedness (normal in our home before), feelings, it all was already or became embarassing and a chore. I forbid any touching with anyone, including my best friends at school getting close to me or touching my arms when talking. There was NO sexual abuse in my family but I built up a huge barrier and became shy towards my father in a way.
Do you understand what I mean? Am I seeing ghosts?
I think I am bringing several subjects into this thread. One of them is the role question. I know that children grow up quicker in a dysfunctional family and take on the spouse role. But what is happening on the intimate and sexual site? I mean, is it completely separated - a child takes on the emotional spouse role by listening to the single parent's problems and taking care of the younger siblings, but is not a spouse sexually? WHY did I build up this physical wall? Why am I surprised when I see normal dad daughter relationships, thinking "Oh my God, I would never cuddle my dad nor wear such a short skirt before him!" as if he is more a man than a father?
Another subject is the sexuality between me and my AB. Today I had a melancholy feeling mixed with fear. Just tonight it became clear that I am still scared of relationships and commitments. I had this feeling before and it is as if I want to walk out of the relationship rather than risking him to walk out. When he is here I need to see him a lot, cuddle and snog. Sex is not that important. It gets important when he is travelling. Maybe I need some confirmation that he still loves me, and some intimacy? Maybe sex is the first thing that comes into my mind here.
I find that I am VERY uncomfortable around my mother or my father if I dress in a pretty dress. Even more, I would feel so uncomfortable around them in a swimsuit or less. I dont feel this way around other people necessarily.
I had never considered that it might be this role of having been more like a spouse or parent to them than a child.
Also, each of my parents, in their own different ways, would comment on my appearance, and kind of stare or leer, in my opinion.
My dad would make mocking or inappropriate comments.
My mother would look me up and down, and comment on my appearance, and I felt so violated by that.
It was only in my late 30s that I began to enjoy wearing dresses. Interestingly, now that I think about it, that comfort came to me at the same point in time that I moved far, far away from my parents.
That's my story. And thank you for your post which has helped me. I applaud your courage in speaking and posting about this.
Thanks for your reply. Yesterday I had forgotten about the comments of my parents. Yes, they where there as well, concerning my looks and ability to find a partner, especially when I was wearing something rather light.
It is very nice to read or hear about similar feelings. Hugs :)
