The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This weekend I got to spend some time with a Nice Guy. It was business, not romantic, but friendly and personal. I had forgotten what it was like to be around a "normal" person. I have my good girlfriends, but it was refreshing to talk to a man in a healthy way.
He looked me in my eyes, didn't wander off when I was talking about something important. He just had a nice energy about him (sorry, I'm from California, haha). very sweet and kind.
Just the brief time we spent was such a contrast to a conversation with my ex-AH. It was wonderful.
Speaking of AH, he texted me this weekend. Just out of the blue. God bless, hope you are well, I can't ever be friends with you, etc. I don't know why he sent it.
All I need from him is his work address. My work needs it for my new hire paperwork. I've tried finding it online and asked a few company contacts. It's a new office, no one seems to have the address. So I asked AH, via text. "The Army needs your work address."
That's it. It was enough to set him off. He got mad. "I give you a lot of money every month and as far as I am concerned, I don't owe you anything. I thought I was clear, I never want to hear from you again. I'm working a program now and it is harder when I process our failed marriage." etc.
Omg, whatever. I replied- no prob, I'll get the address from your boss.
I don't know much about AA, but I am pretty sure he is not talking the talk. Well, not my business.
Less than 12 hours later he emailed the address to me.
Still playing control games, still sending angry messages to me. Gosh, isn't it lovely when the ex reminds you why you split up in the first place.
I feel so refreshed and clean today. I think I finally have everything I need to fully let go. God gives us what we need, and only when we need it. The Nice Guy time, the ugly AH texts...yes...I am ready.
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Sunday 10th of June 2012 06:28:52 PM
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Lucky you, good for you too! Its really good when we get a reminder of the crap so you remember what a great decision you made leaving. We certainly deserve better than that. Enjoy you're fresh clean start, wish I were there.
Took me a few years, Lucy. One day at a time! Face to face meetings really helped me totally override my unhealthy way of thinking and thus, living.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Dolly - I can relate to talking to men in healthy ways. I specifically chose a male therapist for this exact reason. I needed to see there were Nice Guy's out there!
Yes! God does give us what we need, but on his time, not ours.
Dolly - He probably is talking the talk - but it's a twisted and raw and newly sober version of the talk. In early sobriety I used to catch resentments fast and spout off bullcrap and then I would talk to my sponsor, get calmed down, and then have to go back and handle things like a grown up. This is pretty common in early sobriety.
One thing I have learned from so much AA is that newcomers are nuts for a good while, I was nuts for a good while, and it takes quite some time for them to learn how to handle life appropriately without alcohol.
Detachment is still your greatest tool. He is going to fire off and have little tantrums and, if he works a decent program, those will slowly decrease but probably never go away fully. That has been the case for me and most of the alcoholics I know in recovery. Not siding at all with your ex but just a reminder that Alcoholics are pretty busted underneath all their behavior and the program works very slowly over time.
^Thank you...I appreciate your perspective. Helps me understand and not take it personally. I felt like he was just stirring the pot..and not giving me the address because he knew I needed it.
Maybe he was. But it is good to be reminded that ex-AH is "busted" underneath all that.
Well, Al Anoners are nuts for a good while, too! :) Bless these programs...even if we don't do it perfectly at first, I know they change lives as long as we keep showing up!
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
