The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went away for a week for my work. My husband could not come with me as we couldn't afford the unpaid time off work for him. That meant me leaving him at home alone.
I do not cope well with that for a variety of reasons. I spoke to my psychologist about it and she gave me some tips and also I used the steps and the serenity prayer.
I did well in my own little opinion.
On my return, I could smell that my husband had smoked cannabis while I was away (the synthetic variety that he still has some of from before it became illegal). I could smell it in a part of the lounge room. I looked and there were small bits of it that had been left on the coffee table. I did a naughty thing and checked his pot drawer and for sure.. he had smoked.
Here is the good bit. In the past.. my reaction would have been one of sheer panic and resultant nausea and vomiting and worry and anger and my head spinning etc. I know I was naughty again but when he got home I asked how much he smoked while I was away and he replied what I believe to be honestly. A little bit on one night.
I did ask.. why do you not say anything about that??? He tells me every thing else. He tells me some of the small details of his day, but he leaves that out?? Why?? He answered, because I get upset and annoyed at him.
This made me annoyed. I have not been annoyed or said anything about his smoking in a negative or angry way for a very long time now. He always puts it back on me. I then realised that is because it is part of his addiction.
He likes it to be secretive, and part of what he does without explanation to me. I hate hate hate that it is a hidden thing and he knows that. So then I get annoyed at the lie and he thinks I am annoyed at the smoking.
Anyhooooo... this time around I did not get annoyed. I asked him to clean the table where I could smell it and he did so. I gave him a kiss and a cuddle and asked that he just remain open and honest with me and (again) he said yes. I know he will not.
I then continued on my day as per usual. I did not shun him to 'show him' or 'punish' him for anything. My heart was beating a little faster, but I was not spinning, or nauseous or anything.
I looked at it this way. I have put my boundary in place that my husband not be stoned around me and he has stuck to that since Christmas time. So... what he does when I go away for a week in relation to his smoking, is totally his business.
I am ok.
We are going to Amsterdam in a few months time. I know he will be stoned most of the time. I have asked that he not be stoned during the day when I want to do touristy things and he agreed. I can accept that cannabis is a huge part of his life (especially his past) and a trip to amsterdam is almost a religious quest for him.... if you get what I mean.
WE cleaned some cupboards out the other day, he threw away his books on cannabis (several) and his hydroponic growing equipment. Expensive stuff. But it says to me he is not holding onto his old passion and equipment. He has accepted also it is not such a huge part of his life.
To me, this is a GREAT story of practicing powerlessness and detachment!!
I eventually realized I never had any power either, it was an illusion when I thought I did, when I thought I had made my point once and for all. You know it will happen again because you are understanding the disease...
Part of his disease is feeling so bad about himself for NOT being able to stop, that's why the secrecy. "We are only as sick as our secrets," my sponsor used to say, and I can relate. I would stop calling my sponsor when I couldn't stop doing the same thing over and over either... I was so ashamed to admit that I couldn't change myself. So I wouldn't call. But she knew, lol
Your post also reminds me of our Preamble, "Al-anon has but one purpose; to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the twelve steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic."
You are doing that, thanks for sharing it here
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
BTW my husband, who has not drunk for 30 plus years still does not share his day, it is all secretive...thoughts or feelings...or what he has been doing or whom he saw.
Oksie, my husband is a pot addict as well, so I can relate so much to your posts.
For me, it was the hiding and the lying that made me more mad than the actual smoking. I couldn't trust him.
I see so much progress in your recovery and really appreciate you sharing here.
Hugs and support,
Dragonflys
Great program work!! I think that is just part of being an addict doesn't matter what it is .. that secret part is the shame and guilt I think even when they aren't doing anything it's still there. I can also relate to the need to have a secret .. it always made me laugh because I would say .. I never knew I married someone in the CIA!!
Love your continued growth thanks for sharing!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
