New here - husband is an alcoholic. - Al-Anon Family Group

leeranger · Member

New here - husband is an alcoholic.

Smukke · Veteran Member

Hi,

I feel with you, as my boyfriend is an A as well. I am new to Al-Anon and cannot tell you a lot. But it helps me to go to the meetings and to read the literature. At the end of the day you have to figure out what to do by yourself. I wish you a lot of strength for your way!

Too hard · Senior Member

This is always a shock, in the early days, when we discover that our husband just will not stop drinking whether it be regular or on a bender.

Often they do try to control their drinking and that can be successful for some time, some years even.

However if it is an addiction it is generally not until they get into trouble in work, finances, on the road, legally etc that they start to take seriously their problem.

You can help, by first reading Al-Anon literature, reading other posts here....including the 'Sticky's at the heading of the page and learning to look after yourself and the children in this difficult time.

You will not be told by any other person what to do or not what to do....we cannot be a parent to you but we care about each other and altogether by our experiences and sharing you will find help and answers for your own unique situation.

Keep reading and sharing. T.H.

Lilac · Member

Hi - I'm new as well - and I understand just how you feel. I've spent the last few days researching the net for information - there is lots of it out there. No perfect solutions of course, but just finding that there are so many of us in the same boat (or maybe lots of little individual boats, but making up a huge flotilla) does somehow help.

I wish you luck and strength in your voyage.

Lilac

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to the board!

there are so many good folks here!

Read "getting them sober" by Toby Rice Drews. It's an eye-opener.

Please know that you can make demands, jump up and down, scream and yell, give him the silent treatment (I did all of those and then some)...nothing YOU do is going to make a difference in HIS drinking. It took me a long time to "get" this. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.

With alanon's help you can learn to take care of YOU....and decide what you will and will not tolerate as part of your life...and calmly act accordingly.

All best,

RP

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

You could demand that he quit drinking, but then you could just yell at a wall too. It will have no affect on him.

What one young lady in my meetings did was tell him when he was drinking he could not come home. She didn't want the kids to see him like that and wanted to preserve his dignity for them. They were starting to ask too many question. He did try coming home but she had to be firm and turn him away. One time he came in and she had to call his friends to come and get him and take him to a motel to sleep it off. When he came home the next day she didn't wail at him or strike out in any way. This became their new normal. I don't know if he is still drinking or not because she doesn't mention it at meetings... but I was impressed with her and this one solution to the problem.

Lucy 333 · Member

I have also suffered living with this for 9 yrs now. What makes it worse for me, is the yelling and nagging as it gives an easy excuse to drink more as if to say its my fault. He would have gotten drunk anyway, but gives him a justification .

I have read alot and been to a few alanon meets, there I realized all I really have control of, is me. I have detached as much as I can and still live here. Roomates really. We sleep seperate and rarely ever even touch. He seems to gain some insight the longer this tough detachment goes on. I have come to understand that he is the only one who can decide to come to change.

We had two periods of time where he stopped, onetime his choice and after 10 months of peace, he started up again. A few yrs later, After kicking a door down on me and threatening me, the police arrested him and the courts ordered him to stop for one year. He did stop, but as soon as allowed to drink again, he did, and with a fury as if to make up for being forced to stop. I don't drink often, and have one occasionally. The fact that he thinks 15 to 20 beer per day isn't a problem, tells me, hes in denial. His brain is sick. Not a thing I do has or will help, this I know. 6 years of councelling taught me that.

All we can do, is care and nurture ourself and those in our boat, I wish peace, courage , and strength to the ship I appear to be on. One little boat would never keep all of us afloat!

leeranger · Member

Thanks so much for the warm welcome! As usual after these benders, my AH is remorseful today. He says he will start going to AA meetings again but it's hard to believe him. I need to figure out what boundaries I am going to set and then stick to them. I'm definitely going to start reading some literature and hopefully find Al-anon meetings in my area.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Actions speak louder than words. Find an Al Anon meeting, get into counseling for yourself, and keep coming back here! We're here for you!

My AH was dry for 15 years before he started drinking again. It took 16 months and he wound up getting a DUI. Apparently(according to him) the police aren't as nice as they were back when he was a heavy drinker in his 20s. You don't get driven home and get a slap on the wrist anymore. It's serious stuff. The DUI was back in Feb. and he has already been back to the drinking, although he doesn't know that I know. At least he'll have the ignition interlock device on his car for 18 months and that should keep him from drinking and driving but he'll probably still drink at home. I totally understand what you're going through! Al Anon really can be a saving grace for you!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

First of all be kind to yourself. Living around alcoholism is enough to really upset anyone. Adding children to the equation is a really difficult undertaking.

The ex A who I was with for 7 years was so good at saying sorry. I think many an alcoholic and recovering alcoholic can be really good at making amends. The fact of the matter is I look for actions these days. What are they doing with their time, what are the trigger points to their drinking.

I also spent so much time remonstrating about the lies, whether he meant it and what he was going to do next. My whole life hung on what the A did, when he did it and what he was going to do next. For me the real issue was what I did. When I started detaching, focusing on myself, nothing changed for the ex A. He didn't stop drinking and using. What changed was me.

When I got into recovery it really was with this wish that he would go back to being the person I thought he was when I met him. The truth is he was always an alcoholic/addict I just wasn't paying that much attention to it then.

Al anon can certainly help you. I think its important to know that its an up and down business to deal with an alcoholic. No one keeps perfect boundaries all the time. My boundaries are far better than they were. I still can get caught in being smoozed by an alcoholic. The difference is now I expect them to be an alcoholic. I also am no longer focused on anyone else but myself and my goals.

I'm glad you are here and reaching out to help yourself.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.