The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
Married 9 years, separated three. Two children, 8 and 9 who are now noticing. Not violent, just becomes rude and very snappy towards me. I can't reply.....sometimes I try, and he says it will stop. It doesn't. I'm lonely, as he's not always the same. He's three hours late from work, I know where he is. He'll be fine today.....tomorrow, he'll be snappy. He doesn't or won't even recall that he promised the oldest boy he would spend time with him today. He works hard, does a good job. It's either work, drink a beer or two, then sleep. Mostly: sleep. He's dx severe anxiety, so is medicated.....meds that you cannot take alcohol with. I was sober for two years, but we just went to a party, and before I realized it, I had a drink. Later, I realized that he kept the glass full. I ended up very sick, as I can't drink. I have good friends who keep telling me that I'm continuing to be the secret keeper, just like growing up. I'm afriad of him......not physical violence, but the disdain and the way he talks to me. My friends say there are ways to find out how to pull myself away from the cycle. Leaving is not an option. Our youngest has schizophrenia, and is 8. IF he finds out I'm reaching out, there will be problems. S.D.
it is so hard livig with this disease and with the challenges of looking after a sick child it is good you are trying to get some help for you!!.
Al anon is a great support for people in your situation, I hope you can somehow find a meeting close to you and attend it is amazing to be able to share with people who understand and are having similar experiences.
If you can not get to a meeting please keep reaching out on here.
Al anon and the love and support of the people have really helped me to improve my situation. No one will give you advice we just share are experiences and what has worked for us you can take what you like.
there is also lots of al anon literature that learns you about alocholism and how it affects everyone in the family and how to deal with the effects on yourself.
Just remember you did not cause it, you can not control it or cure it. but you can get help for you which in turn will help your children.
I was finally honest with my friends......I know, I know his disdain for AA. If he finds out that I have even agreed to read, look into this, he'll come up with all sorts of complaints. Everything will be the result of "AA". I also know, and have finally admitted, that he will sabotage any efforts to go to a meeting. I can drive, but one word from the boys about where we are going, etc....is all it'll take. I'm tired of being the go between him and the boys...the youngest clings to me anyway, due to schizophrenia. The older, is starting to stand up to Dad. BUT holds a major grudge over all the broken promises. I left him before, and he sobered up. Now it's back.........frankly, I learned that it's better to be his friend than his enemy. I ended up having an RO......huge problems with him during most of that time. Especially in the beginning. Then, as he became more sober, he became the person that I had fallen in love with, so we were very careful about reconnecting. My lawyer was livid I called off the divorce. He works, works well, but everyone drinks at his job. I know that's where he is right now. My friends who have been through this say I'm taking too much responsibility, but I don't see it. I'm just confused in my mind. Work was finished at noon, boss came home at noon, it's 4pm now. Son will realize shortly that they won't be able to do have their playdate as planned. This is an old scenario.
SD...Aloha and welcome to the board...Change begins with Courage. "...the courage to change the things I can." is the 2nd request of the Serenity Prayer. We've all been there.
You can't protect him from his reactions to your seeking help...He's gotta deal with it and you don't have to be a victim to it or forever.
You have already opened the door to change and have come into the rooms. You know you are not alone and have lots of people standing with you. Tweak up the courage and permit him the dignity of the consequences of his own choices.
I am so very glad that you found Miracle in Progress Board and reached out.
You are not alone and the feelings that you are experiencing are very familar to those of us who have liived with this dreadful disease of alcoholism.
We have on line meetings here each day and the Chat Room and Board are open 24/7 If you do not feel safe attending Face to Face meetings you can begin on line.
I feel kinda stupid now......he was at work, after the boss left, but then went to a coworkers place and had a "few" Birthday beers. He said they started complaining about the job, and he left, as he puts it "I need the work, don't need the hassle". Okay....off to swim with the boys since the original plan had to be canceled due to the late hour. I feel stupid, and yet, waaay deep down: I know we need to talk about the bills, couldn't get him to focus. I need him to be there for me, he's falling asleep. I'm an author, disabled after 15 years in Social Work as a Mental Health Advocate and Behaviorist, and yes: my dad was a drunk. I've always been with drinkers. I always end up feeling like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I also found myself telling the boys today (when the vacuum broke) "don't count on anyone to fix things or solve your problems. You have to do them yourself." Made me sick.....that was what I told myself growing up. I know he, no matter how long he worked today, would not be able to fix the vacuum. So what's a real problem and what's not? So he worked a few more hours......but still: went for drinks. Made a good choice to leave, but still: not present. It's increasing, the "going for drinks with the guys". My friends that I communicate with daily are telling me that I haven't been open about this.....they knew, they also knew I was keeping it a secret. Focused on writing, the schizophrenia, the .......anything but drink. I feel stupid though, it's just drinking....all the guys do it. He doesn't get violent, or anything, just rude and disdainful towards me. And oblivious......he's read up to chapter 8 of the rough draft of the book I've already published, and is already being sold at Amazon, etc. He hasn't read any of the second book that the publishers are waiting on, nor has he read a single blog. I hit 140 viewers in one day last week......his mind is either at work, or asleep. I don't know what to think.......and I'm a strong person, with a strong mind.....but I don't feel like I'm making sense. And you all say it's "good" that I'm recognizing this? I don't know what I'm recognizing!
I understand your frustration, .. this isn't going to be fixed overnight. It takes time and work there is no magic cure.
Online meetings are great however listening to the stories and I don't know if you have an iPod and can download the alanon stories off of the podcasts however that really has made a big difference to remind me that there is more to healing than an instant fix. The hearing the stories is what helps me it gives me a point of reference.
It sounds like you are aware that something needs to change and that's the good part, what needs to change and the only thing we can control is us and our own attitudes and how we handle situations. You aren't going to fix the alcoholic in your life .. you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you won't cure it. That is the truth because trust me if someone could have done it there would be a line outside their door of every single person who loves an addict asking them to fix the situation.
You can't expect someone to fix something that is in the God of our understandings hand. That's why working the steps is so paramount in a twelve step program. I railed against the idea of having to work this program and eventually I came to accept that if I didn't nothing was going to change and I didn't like the person I was.
There is hope out there and so I hope you will keep coming back even though you are frustrated right now. It's a terribly confusing situation and alcoholism distorts my thinking so I can't even begin to see the options that are actually right in front of me. No one is going to tell you what to do .. that's up to each one of us to figure out how to apply this program and make it work for us.
Hugs P :)
You are worth it .. so keep coming back :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have shared this experience of the A talking down to me and minimizing everything. Thats what he does to justify in his mind what he does is ok. Its not ok. I tolerated yrs of this, not living my life because I thought I needed to help and stand by him. I was enabling the behavior. Now, I do what I need to whether he likes it or not. He stood over me to make sure I signed papers for the courts to allow him to drink again and I stupidly did as I was afraid of what he would do if I didnt sign. I am so kicking myself now. He may have learned what he had not if I had stood up to him at that time. He had not learned anything other than how to look like he had learned why he should not bully me, yet here he was still bullying. I almost got out then, I wish I had. We are in a more peaceful home but only because I stood up to him many times to get peace. He still drinks and gets drunk everyday but now in a less angry manner allowing me sleep so I can work. This is still only survival, there must next be life, I am living my life now, and hes understanding I won't be here forever as it is now. Thank God we only have cats and no children, I feel horrible for those familys trying to live through the chaos and the children picking up as I did, to feel normal lving with a drunk. I was set up to get with an A as my dad was a drunk and that became the norm. A visit to my grandmas overnight when I was 13 because my grampa pushed grandma down the stairs and this was grandmas protection I suppose, me staying 2or 3 days, I noticed the lining room couch covered with newspaper as all the floor around the couch. Grandma coping with the mess to come.
I sent an email to the Dallas Al-Anon to get help finding a nearby location with childcare. I'll work it out, I always do. He's got some shocks coming......I found out he borrowed thousands from one of those lender places.......I didn't even know we had the money, it's gone now. Well, I grew up dirt poor and with A's.......so I'm just preparing myself to not take responsibility that there's only $98 for food for the rest of the month. Also noticed he set out his meds, they're empty. That's his warning that he's out, I'm supposed to fix it, or he will be nastier than ever. Well, sorry, but I've already told him, this pdoc won't let me sweet talk into getting his meds. He HAS to see the pdoc. So, I'm preparing myself to not take things to heart during those two weeks either.
Did take over the bills, everything is listed, and everything has to be accounted for.....the list is on the fridge.
As far as the money lenders.....they are calling constantly.....it's his problem. I'm not answering the phone and fixing this one either.
I do have a book to complete, another PP to write for the boys, a blog to catch up on, and three sources of support.
I just need to find my backbone.....darn it, had it in my back pocket the entire time! What a useless place for it to be.
Yeah.....Dad a drunk, brother a drunk, almost every b/f a drunk. Nay, every b/f a drunk. Swore I'd never clean up vomit again.
Thanks for sharing.....yeah, time to get me healthy......I can't think too far ahead. Leaving is not an option right now with the medical bills and the schizophrenia.
