The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I work a very solid program of recovery in AA which took me out of denial and let me see what was going on. Whereas others might have known since they were children that they were abused in some way, i didn't know it because it was so well hidden and my parents are so successful. It was assumed I was the "bad one".
It's not a physical ailment. I looked into all of that years ago. And yes, it's depression - it's my anger turned inwards. Thing is, I have already accepted what they do and have worked through the guilt of detaching and once I am free I will feel much less angry. I do know they were affected by others and I do have compassion for them. The simple fact is I am not in charge of my own life so I remain sick.
Someone with 25 years of recovery in AA and 10 in Alanon told me that when others are actively controlling and abusing us, it saps the energy out of us.
I belive that until I am the conductor of my own life I won't sleep. So I have to take my disability check and find a little room somewhere and be free and start over. It's not about distance - and I won't divorce my parents - but I need the right to be my honest self and not prostitute myself to my father for a place to live. They both use that as a way to get me to not trust myself and be, do and say what they want me to, for their own comfort and security. That is what the scapegoate is there for.
The truth is, I'm the one in the family with all the strength and love, and they have told me, themselves, and everyone else for 35 years that I'm the "bad one" so they don't have to look at themselves.
Even if I move next door, I will be paying, so I won't have to people please them - and everyone else around me - anymore. I'll be free to be the woman God has changed me into through the 12 steps.
I might make a mistake and still not be able to sleep, but at least i will have tried it.
Not sure if you understand. Thanks.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Friday 8th of June 2012 02:28:26 PM
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Friday 8th of June 2012 02:29:46 PM
I have been exhausted for years. I have come, slowly, to believe that it is because I am still being actively controlled and abused by my aging parents who have always projected their chaos, anxiety, blame, etc onto me. As they age and are aware that I know the deal now, they are getting even more controlling - they know I'm going to leave the insanity. I will do this by taking the little money I have and renting a small room 30 miles from them where I can start my life over. I'm in my 40s but due to my exhaustion I haven't been able to work. I will have to start small, but it will be a start. And then I can set the heavy boundaries with them I have wanted to.
Does anyone know about this type of exhaustion due to being controlled by others, by being the scapegoat?
Do you think breaking these deadly ties to them will help me sleep? It's all I can come up with that I have left to try.
I assume that you've ruled out physical ailments? I know there are a number of them out there that doctors are reluctant to believe in. I believe Laura Hillenbrand, the author of Seabiscuit, has one of them. She has been hardly able to get out of bed for years, with nothing the doctors can formally identify, I believe. I only mention this because sometimes when we have something physical and we can't overcome it by changing our circumstances, exerting willpower, etc., then we feel we've failed, when actually it's something beyond our control. I have one of these physical ailments myself and have had to learn to adapt. Part of that adaptation has been letting go of the belief that I "should" just control it and be better and do everything everyone else does and more!
But saying that you don't have one of those conditions, I would guess the exhaustion would be depression. That can be physically debilitating as well. (And to have both depression and a physical condition is a double whammy.) I know my depression hasn't responded instantly to anything single thing I did, but some things I did were necessary before moving further. So moving away may not be the whole solution, but it may be a key part of moving toward a larger solution. Do you have a meeting and a sponsor? (Forgive me if you've said these things already.) Understanding how our lives got to be the way they are and using the tools to make them better has been life-changing for me.
This was the same issue you presented with a while back. It seems that the solution has sunk in more for you - next is just the follow through. You already seem to know what you need to do.
Thanks pinkchip. It has sunk in more, yes. And I do know what to do. I am worried I will move into a tiny room and nothing will change and then I'll be stuck there too, except without comforts. But anything has to be better than this - nothing changes if nothing changes. I've tried everything else.
My doubts are because someone with a lot of wisdom said that the answer isn't to move, it's to ACCEPT it and LET them control me. I know that sounds backwards but I can see what he was saying. I think that is true to some extent, but the physical move has to happen ALSO. I can go back and see them more when I've healed.
I just found some posts by a lady named Maresie. She talks about the same thing, exhaustion I have emailed her to talk. Seems people like the book Just For Today too. reading here is informative for my codependency.
