The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know that expectations are something in Al-Anon we have to really recognize and come to terms with. When we place expectations on others and they aren't met, it's a source of frustration.
I find myself still working on the expectations for myself and just when I think I've recognized them and can identify when I have them, something else hits me. (by this I mean I used to have very unrealistic expectations of "perfection")
One thing my therapist has me work on a lot, because it's a huge issue for me, is the whole concept of "the other shoe dropping". I spent so many years in a constant state of chaos and immobility that I just tend to expect anything good to end or any relief from stress to come to a halt.
What's funny is - well DUH. Life isn't going to be perfect all the time, it's how you handle it when things come up. But then I have been really stuck lately over analyzing the fact that so far, my relationship with my RBF is really good. Even my therapist is encouraged by me sticking to boundaries and not "enmeshing".
So what am I analyzing? Well of course in true self destructive manner I'm just sitting here waiting for the bliss to end. Of course it's going to end so what in the heck am I doing focused on that instead of enjoying today?
Because again I have expectations. I have the expectation that not only will the good come to an end (like that dooomsday deal there?) but that I somehow have to gear up for it.... geez, thanks HP for dropping that box of "stuff to work on" in my lap again....
So now I have to face another expectation mess I've gotten myself into LOL. I can do this and I know what it is. I fear that I will turn my blinders back on if I relax and enjoy this happiness. Because before now, my 15 year marraige was a mess and so of course I still struggle with believing I deserve to be happy. I do get that I deserve it but sometimes my head jumps in with the whole "well maybe you deserve it but come on, is that reality?".
It is for now. And I am committed to learning how to back away from yet another expectation but trust myself, trust my HP and trust that I can be happy without being clueless.
Now... where's the quick fix button? LOL. Always something! I know we are all in various stages here but has anyone else dealt with this?
Yes, .. LOL .. I was actually thinking about this very thing the other night. I think we are our own worst enemies when it comes to "expecting perfection" .. I'm a frustrated perfectionist. I get so caught in that mode I become completely paralyzed .. it's something I watched my mother do over and over and over. It's never going to be good enough. OR better yet it's good and so therefore something awful is going to happen. I'm soooo catching myself in that mode. I mean I'm having heart flips, stomach drops the whole nine yards.
The thing that I keep coming back to is this .. it's progress not perfection. When I put those stinkin' thinkin' thoughts into my head about this isn't good enough OR this is going to good, .. I gotta stick it in a God box and really put the focus on taking myself out of my own head. So what if it's not good enough OR this is going to good. Just exactly what you said .. it's not a bed of roses without a couple of thorns. That is more than just a little ok.
Turning it over to HP, being gentle with ourselves it's all about continuing to grow. You work such a great program and I'm so glad you shared this!!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Exactly what I am struggling with right now. I keep thinking "if this was done, I would be happy" or "if this was fixed I would be happy" -- and I am but one person...working 60 hours a week...baseball season with 10 year old...and trying to keep a house and yard.
NOTHING will ever be perfect. If I need perfection in order to be happy...guess what...I won't ever be.
Truly -- the self-talk -- the lawn isn't mowed, the laundry isn't done, the basement is a mess...and part of me always feels like I'm a failure.
I get overwhelmed because I have such high expectations of myself...and I always fall short. Stinkin thinkin indeed.
Progress (not perfection)...now if I could really believe that!
Stinkin Thinkin!!! That's exactly it and I'm so glad to not be alone. Yes, self talk too. For me a lot of the self talk is what I put, along the lines of "come on you can't really believe that".. Not the old "you aren't worth it" but really how far away is that? An inch maybe? Just a new form of it so I need to call it out for what it is or else it will grip me again. Whew changing our thinking sure is hard work...
"... in true self destructive manner I'm just sitting here waiting for the bliss to end."
lol, I soooo get that
You know the solution - I like how you turn it right back to TRUSTING Higher power.
I so identify with the fear of not knowing the outcome of things. Of course, in the past, whenever I allowed myself to feel comfortable about the future, believing I knew what it would look like was a complete illusion. I NEVER get to know what the future is going to look like. Al-anon taught me this is part of cultivating FAITH in Higher power, abandoning myself completely, and allowing myself to be guided and then, as you say, trusting that guidance. If I truly take step 3, I can relax. And in step 11, I'm reminded that my ideas and my opinions don't matter anymore, I'm only praying for Higher power's will, not my own.
Of course, some days, my brain is going to do its thing. And my brain remembers things. And it's going to remember and remind me of the resentment of the past, and it's going to become fearful of the future. My meditation practice really comes in handy, today I can usually catch myself before I do the free-fall-fear thing, hahaha. Today, I tend to feel that anxiety come on, I feel my life becoming unmanageable, and I can catch myself when I am not in the present moment, where everything is actually just fine, as you notice too.
I can spin my wheels trying to demand/expect perfection, or I can listen to that voice inside me that says, "it's good enough." For me, it's so important to avoid that first "think," as my sponsor puts it, because I am sure to take another think, and then another (obsession.) What I focus on gets bigger.
Thanks for the post, so glad I'm not alone.
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 8th of June 2012 12:49:39 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
For some reason I got trapped into the perfection stuff, too. Mainly it was because my AH was suck a jerk when we first got married and was so particular about how stuff was folded or how I vacuumed and didn't make the pattern right, etc. I just started to become a perfectionist. I would keep things 'just so' in an effort to avoid his lashing out or avoid his fault finding. I've stopped doing that and whenever I start fixing that crooked wall hanging I stop myself and just let it be. I've got too much on my plate to allow a little bit of clutter or a dirty bathroom to destroy any peace I was trying to accomplish that day, LOL. If the family's not complaining about it, then I guess it's not that bad so I'm just taking care of immediate needs and then slipping in the cleaning and other stuff when I can.
I do the same all the time. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am here, in THIS moment, not in the past or the future. I remember at a face 2 face meeting, one member mentioned that she'll say in her mind what she is doing exactly at that moment to keep her mind from wondering into the past or present. "I am washing the dishes. I am washing a cup. I am rinsing a cup. Etc." I use that during the times I am freaking out about the future, not all the time. Other times, I just try to enjoy the moment, even if it is short lived. Worrying does nothing to change tomorrow.
