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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Feeling my feelings
Post Info TOPIC: Feeling my feelings
Dolly Llama


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Feeling my feelings
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After years of reflection, prayer, and angst, I made the decision to end my marriage to an alcoholic a few months ago.  Al Anon taught me how to deal with myself and my feelings in a healthy way.  It has really been a journey of learning how to live for the very first time. 

My experience of coping during the divorce process has been interesting.  I feel at peace and calm for periods of time, then I have days where I cry for no reason at all other than the fact I am eating a burrito from my favorite take-out spot on a lovely Tuesday afternoon.  Sometimes there are long stretches where I don't think about my ex AH at all; other times he is on my mind all the time and I can't rid myself of it- like the stench of an empty tuna fish can in the kitchen trash you can still smell clear across the house.

The difference now with my Al Anon trained mind is that I can just let my feelings *be*.  I can gently acknowledge them, trace their roots if I want to, or just sit and watch the waves as I consider all the edges and points of a particular emotion.  I no longer feel I have to manically figure out why I feel the way I do, to stop the flood, to try to stuff the feeling down with too much food or other substances.

It's not so bad this way.  Of course I am mourning, I tell myself.  That is what a healthy human being does after a loss.  I don't have to have all the answers or know what comes next.  I don't have to abuse myself or rush the process.  I can simply feel my heartbreak, feel the longing for a man I still love but also know can never give to me what I need from him.  I can let the love of my HP fill my heart until it is overflowing out of me and into others.  I can feel my pain expanding my self-compassion and gentleness and I know it is molding me into a person who has this profound strength of experience to offer others.  Feeling my feelings today will allow me to be a lighthouse to someone else tomorrow.  

But first I am going to be there for myself. 



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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Green Eyes


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Wonderful share, Dolly. Thank you for sharing your journey. We both are going through similar journeys right now. Thanks for putting your insight into words that I can relate to so much right now. Way to work your program!


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Wolfie55


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Thanks Ladies. And as always you have love and support coming to you from us.

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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
Debilyn


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I sure relate. You know it is a nightmare in life. The neat guy we married is now not who he was. We are not staying forever like we wanted.

Here his body is walking around but our guy is slowly disappearing. of course its freaking hard!

This does not happen with everyone, its not normal.

I am glad you accept your feelings, feel them out and go on. I rarely mourn my ex AH anymore. I am not sure why.

Think it is becuz his behavior hurt me so very much.

But my first Ah that died I dream about all the time, miss him,know why I miss him and remember how he made me feel. He died before we had a chance to explore AA or anything We were so young.

You do nice things for you! hugs,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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tiredtonite


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I really like all the things you said in the end of your post.  Like others, I've been where you are now. You just have to go through it. Trying to go around it only brought me full circle to feel the feelings I tried to stuff or that came out sideways due to my refusal to accept the truth.  My heart was much slower to catch up with head.  It will get better it really will.  My memories are bittersweet today of when he was well when we were both well.  His birthday just passed. This year I was sad, other years the day comes and goes without my notice.  I doubt this will ever really go away but my new life enriched with healthier experiences, people and a recovering "me."  I have serenity and physical and emotional well-being instead of sickness and chaos.   I do day to day things the way I want and not the way we did those things.  When we became "me," change was a lonely reminder haunting me day and night.  As cliche' as it sounds though, it was like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly.  Hp did that for me ya know :)  Maybe because I've learned to love myself now, hp brought someone in recovery into my life now to share the journey. I'm trying to stay in a place of gratitude for all my experiences because they got me here and today is good.  There are of course some hurts I would have preferred to skip but ultimately, if it would have mean't not having the serenity I feel now.... well I'm glad those hurts led me to the imperfect but sane life I have now.  I hope you keep coming back and sharing.  Journalling helped me during my divorce.  You will be able to go back and read and see how far you are coming along.  It just takes time.  Your higher power is loving you.  Hugs. TT



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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Breakingfree


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I LOVE the ESH here! I can so relate and even in the midst of this move almost 1 year divorced it is bittersweet. Sending you all love and support!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

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ilovedogs


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Thank you for sharing! Sometimes I deny my feelings because I don't think they are important but I know that feelings aren't facts and that they will change as I grow spiritually using the Al Anon program.

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Struggling to find me......
Green Eyes


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"Here his body is walking around but our guy is slowly disappearing. of course its freaking hard!"

"My heart was much slower to catch up with head."

 

Boy, can a relate to these two statements! I still love the man my AH used to be and miss that man so much. I know in my mind that he is sick, but my heart doesn't want to accept that.

On a few occasions of weakness and loneliness during our seperation, I have made contact with my soon-to-be ex AH. And when I do, I quickly realize that he has not gone back to being the man that he was before alcohol took him away from me and destroyed our marriage of 30 years. It's such a hard thing to accept. Thanks to my HP, my sponsor and Al-Anon, I have the tools to deal with these challenges and to work towards healing for myself.



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pinkchip


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It was really sad and difficult for me to let go of my ex-A after 7 years together. It was painful to finally admit is was not going to get better and I needed to focus on me and to salvage myself or else we were both going to be stuck on a sinking ship. Almost 4 years later, it's hard to believe that misery was my reality for so long. It almost feels like I didn't live that life. It feels strange now that I didn't just leave a lot sooner and know there was a better life out there for me. But - I had to go through what I had to go through. Basically, everything you described up to this point and then a mourning period and a period of tremendous, scary, but exhilarating growth afterwards (which is where you seem to be at). I can really identify. It will get even better for you and you are already a lighthouse to others.

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Dolly Llama


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It is surreal, pinkchip. Haven't seen AH since our miserable trip to Las Vegas in February. Seems like a lifetime ago. It's fuzzy to even try to recall what being in the same room with him felt like.

Slowly, I'm finding closure for myself. I donated my wedding dress. Sold some jewelry from the marriage. Was going to release my wedding band to the ocean, but thought I might as well get a few bucks for it. Gold prices are high. I mailed it to a company that melts gold down and send you a check. Got the padded envelope ready, went to the Post Office to do the Priority Mail/Signature Confirmation bit. As I was getting back into my car, it struck me that I had just mailed off my wedding band and really didn't think twice about it. No pang of marital regrets, no thought at all of the significance of what was in that envelope. I was surprised at how so unceremonious it was for me. Maybe that is progress.

Am gently trying to uncover why I allowed this marriage in the first place. I left my home and friends to live clear across the country with an alcoholic. I can't even say that I didn't know he had big problems. And clearly, so did I. How did I let myself get that lonely? How did I accept his treatment as love? How did I confuse his boundary violations as expressions of confidence? This was not my first abusive crazy relationship. There is a pattern there. I'm not going to figure it all out today, but I am looking at how I contributed and got myself into that mess. I've moved beyond blame and that is a good feeling.

Well, I am living in a place I love and that is one blessing I can take from the marriage.

__________________

Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
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