The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've never posted on this before, but have been looking for and finding strength in these posts for a few weeks. My AH has been relapsing over the last month -- about once a week. Each time, it's like a ton of bricks that hits me and I see our whole future imploding in front of me. Of course, he regrets the relapses and says he's trying to work with it He's an Iraq veteran too -- and working through PTSD and other injury issues. The alcoholism is part of it, and he says he desperately wants to be sober but just finds himself drinking again -- always alone, usually at home, though he often leaves the house to go to a bar by the time I get home. We're newlyweds too, and I feel like a fool at times for not making sure his sobriety was real. But I love him with all my heart, and I just wanted to make our life together as happy as I know we can be. But when he relapses, I find myself so sad and angry at myself for not doing a better job protecting myself.
He's been in recovery for the last year, but never had a period of sobriety for more htan three months. He's off and on with AA -- right now he's off because he said he finds he gets overwhelmed at meetings and finds he leaves craving. Now I'm finding that my anxiety is through the roof and I can barely function I'm so consumed with worry. I even left work early the other day, and feel so dumb because I came home to find exactly what I thought I would -- him drinking. I guess my question is how do you find that love with detachment?And how do I get rid of this awful feeling of anxiety that haunts me constantly?How do I stop worrying about him, or stop being so needy with my own feelings?
I know I need to start going to Al-a-Non meetings more regularly -- I go to one now about once a week but it's a large group and I just haven't been able to raise my hand and say I need help, or a sponsor. I'm afraid that everyone's going to point to me leaving him, and I don't want to do that. I just want to know how I get better, and hope he does too. I guess I'm just looking to be heard, and to hear that there's some hope out there. I can't find it today.
Hello and welcome , please find more meetings for yourself you need support and no one working our program will tell you to leave your husband our name is Al-Anon family groups and has always implied to me that the intent is to keep families to gether if possible , like you I didnt want to leave my marriage either, practicing this program made it possible for me to stay and get happy regardless of what he was doing . You will get your life back on track finding what makes you happy will give you less time to worry about him , there is nothing you can do about the choices he makes . Detachment is hard work ,loving them is the easy part ,we learn to separate ourselves emotionally from the alcoholic behavior , to not take it personally and accept that at the moment this disease is controlling his life . We learn to not let it control our lives . Often when the spouse sees we are getting happy they choose to follow us into recovery . My husb continued to drink for 3 yrs after I joined Al-Anon , we now have 21 yrs of sobriety in our home . His miracle will be finding sobriety , yours is finding the YOU , that you were meant to be . Louise
Thanks Louise. It feels good to hear that, and what an inspiration that is. Sobriety seems like such a gift, and I hope he finds it. It's just so enormously hard to watch the person I love struggle with this. I don't get angry anymore, just really sad and am trying to fight my own desires to control the situation. It's such an awful disease, and I wish we could just wish it away. But I know I can't, I just find myself so overwhelmed and can feel parts of my own life slipping away. I know the path I need to take, to put myself first and start to learn detachment, but it seems so out of reach right now.
No one in Al-anon should tell you what to do or try to advice you in making your decisions. Al-anon has been great for me, because it was more about building me up enough to listen to my inner voice and practice better self care/love and focus. Your AH isn't drinking because of you QTIP, quit taking it persoanlly. Try different meetings also and maybe some will have less people in them. Keep coming back. Sending you love and support.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I started a thread on here last week about love and detachment and got wonderful responses. Just click on my user name and find the topics that I started.
I think Al Anon would really benefit you. Try a few different meetings if you don't like the first one you attend. Yes, sobriety is a gift but they have to work very hard to keep it just like we have to work hard to leave it up to them and stay out of it. I'll be honest, my good Christian friends have been more inclined to tell me to separate from my AH not the folks in Al Anon. Al Anon is about finding yourself and finding that serenity whether you stay with the A in your life or not.
Keep reading here and come back often to ask any questions you have. Sending you lots of support today!
Thanks all, and thanks Ilovedogs for pointing me to that other thread about detachment. It seems like such a tough concept right now -- loving with detachment -- but as I read more about it, I'm seeing that a lot of the reactions I'm having are more about me trying to control or minimize the situation. I'm going to head to a meeting tonight, and really hope I'm able to get some more solace. I'm feeling a tiny bit better about things, but get panicky if I try thinking about upcoming plans we have, or how he'll do in the future. But I guess that's why they say "one day at a time" Just reading these responses has made me feel a bit stronger, and I'm going to try to get control of my life again and stop arranging everything around him. That doesn't end up helping either of us.
